Put your phones down, look up, take in your surroundings, and be present. Stop being so dependent on digital dating! Apps are a great tool, but nothing beats immediate vibes and chemistry when you meet organically. Take it from an old-school dater.
In today’s fast-paced and interconnected world, finding and maintaining meaningful romantic relationships can be a daunting task. From navigating dating apps to managing expectations in a digital age, there are numerous challenges individuals face in their quest for love. Through this series, we would like to explore the complexities of modern dating and relationships, offering insights, advice, and strategies for navigating the often confusing landscape of love in the 21st century. In this series, we are talking to experts in psychology, relationship coaching, sociology, matchmaking, and individuals with personal experiences navigating the modern dating scene, to share their knowledge, perspectives, and stories. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Treva Brandon Scharf.
Treva Brandon Scharf is an ICF-certified life/dating/relationship coach, marriage first-timer at 51, and author of the self-help memoir Done Being Single: A Late Bloomer’s Guide to Love.
Treva writes about surviving singledom and finding love later in life for publications including Newsweek, Huffington Post, Hollywood Progressive, Arianna Huffington’s Thrive Global, The Intelligencer, Medium, Bustle, UpJourney, BetterAfter50, and others. She’s an advocate for strong, independent women, a voice for empowered singles, and a champion of late bloomers everywhere.
When she’s not imparting tough love dating advice, Treva volunteers as a Special Olympics coach, and Fulfillment Fund mentor for at-risk kids. She is passionate about politics, policy, and people of all ages and abilities.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
I’m an only child raised by two talent agents in Beverly Hills, California. They were my first role models for my work ethic, but they were my first dysfunctional role models for love — divorced, but never fully separated from each other. I watched their drama play out and was often sucked into it. We had a very co-dependent dynamic with each other, which I believe informed and influenced my later romantic relationships. It also made for great stories and anecdotes in my book.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
I’m a certified life/dating/relationship coach, which now knowing my upbringing, shouldn’t be a surprise! My parents were like my first clients; I tried to help and heal them but couldn’t get the job done (maybe because I was a kid, and it wasn’t my job to begin with!). Between an early education in relationship dynamics to my own later relationship dynamics, I was set for a career path that I believe I’m perfectly suited.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
- Lived experience. I’m a successful coach because I’ve walked in so many people’s shoes. I was single till I was 51, was in the dating trenches forever, and identify with many of the issues and challenges people face in the dating world today.
- The power of observation. Keeping a close eye on shifting dating dynamics, gender norms, and the modern dating culture, not only keeps me in the loop, it sharpens my skills as a writer and empowers me as a coach.
- Age. Usually, age in the workplace is a detriment or liability (or at least something you don’t lean into), but in my case, it’s been a huge benefit. I fully embrace my age because it’s also my brand and identity. I’m a late bloomer; I dated before apps; I understand human nature; I had years to figure out what works and what doesn’t, and I bring this knowledge and wisdom to my coaching practice and writing.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
I’ve got a second book in me, haven’t put pen to paper yet, but most likely it will be more dating and life advice.
For the benefit of our readers, can you briefly tell our readers why you are an authority on the topic of dating and finding love?
I was single for 51 years, and had more boyfriends and breakups, heartache and heartbreaks than anyone. I’ve loved and lost, dumped and got dumped, was victim and villain. I know love from all sides and angles. I was an empowered single, a progressive dater, and now I’m married, which all helps me bring perspective, critical thinking, and old-fashioned common sense to what’s going on in dating today.
Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love’. Based on your experience, what is a common root cause of the “inability to find love”?
As much as I love dating apps for their ease and convenience, I hate what they’re doing to dating. They foster bad behavior, laziness, and disrespect. They can be dehumanizing and downright hurtful. This in turn, makes app users bitter, which poison the dating process. It’s a vicious cycle, and a common root cause of the inability to find love. People can’t see through their anger.
Other common root causes? Feminism, the patriarchy, MeToo, and the demise of “third spaces” to mix and mingle. There’s a lot of man-hating, oppression, fear, and finger pointing out there, plus the lack of public spaces and venues (blame dying retail & malls) which make it harder for people to connect IRL.
What are some common misconceptions or myths about finding love in the modern world, and how can they be debunked?
People think finding love is harder than it is and twist themselves into knots trying to look for it. But the truth is, all you have to do is leave the house. Go outside. Live your life. Go about your day. Make eye contact and smile. Chat someone up in line. Say good morning. All of these things are simple and cost nothing, but do require effort, which could be tough for people who live behind their screens. And the longer you stay behind your screens, the harder interacting with humans will become. Use it or lose it, as they say.
What advice do you have for individuals who feel overwhelmed or disillusioned by the challenges of modern dating, and how can they maintain hope and optimism in their search for love?
Have a life offline. Find things that bring you joy, and engage in activities that make you interesting: Volunteering, Meetup groups, classes, hobbies, friends, social activism, etc. Doing this will not only maintain your hope and optimism about dating (and spare your sanity too) they will help fill the void of being single and dateless.
Let’s explore how the rise of social media and dating apps has impacted the way individuals approach and experience dating and relationships. Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use social media to find love?
I met my husband on Facebook totally by accident, so I’m no one to bash social media — it can be an innocuous and friendly way to meet people, connect, and find love. We have the technology and platforms; the challenge is to use it strategically, responsibly, and mindfully. Be kind to others, practice self-compassion, and don’t take the disappointments personally. Finally, become friends with acceptance, and get good at detaching from the outcome.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use dating apps to find love?
Only use two apps at a time, only converse with 3–5 people at a time, allot yourself a set period of time to swipe (and stick to it), and only allow a few text exchanges before meeting someone. My biggest “Do” is put yourself out there with enthusiasm, my biggest “Don’t” is giving apps (and dating in general) too much power. Don’t let them rule your life.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about looking for romance in real-life physical spaces like congregations, bars, markets, and conventions?
As mentioned, “third spaces” (places other than home or office) are disappearing, so you’ve got to get creative and resourceful with what’s available Thankfully there still are gathering places, and it’s on you to make the most of them.
If you’re a woman hoping for a meet-cute, drop subtle cues that you’re interested. Eye contact and a smile usually do the trick. If you’re a guy, be careful when approaching — it can feel threatening and unwanted, especially if the woman isn’t interested. Men, watch for the signals, but also assert yourself. Step up with a compliment, or a nice word. If you’re shy or introverted, say it. “I’m a bit shy, but wanted to come over and introduce myself if you don’t mind.” Being your authentic self is sexy, so is being respectful and gentlemanly.
What are your thoughts about the challenges and opportunities that come with workplace romances?
I have one thing to say about workplace romances: Don’t shit where you eat.
Can you discuss the role of vulnerability and authenticity in forming meaningful connections and finding lasting love?
Vulnerability and authenticity are very compelling; so is honesty. They help people relate, identify with each other, and bond. The only caveat is pacing; making sure you take your time getting to know each other and don’t be in a rush, overshare, or unload your life story too quickly. You want a slow build, and time to form a real connection before opening your heart and letting people in.
Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Things You Need To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love”? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.
1 . To the younger singles, work on building more resilience, practicing more face-to-face interaction, and being less risk and rejection averse. Not everything is a Participation Award, especially dating. You must do the work, and make the effort, even if you fail. As UCLA basketball coach John Wooden once said: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”
2 . To the older singles, use your lived experiences, past pain, or hard knocks to your advantage. Don’t be ashamed — we all have a past, and we all lived a life. It’s a badge of courage, so wear it proudly. Embracing this gives you depth and character which are highly attractive!
3 . Put your phones down, look up, take in your surroundings, and be present. Stop being so dependent on digital dating! Apps are a great tool, but nothing beats immediate vibes and chemistry when you meet organically. Take it from an old-school dater.
4 . Feminist singles, stop hating on men. We all know about misogyny, toxic masculinity, and the patriarchy; we all know about abusers, harassers, and creeps. I think men have gotten the message. If you all want love, both men and women must stop oppressing each other and meet halfway.
5 . Even if you fail a few times, even if it takes you 51 years to find your person, don’t write off dating or give up on love.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?
Subscribe to Medium for fantastic articles and essays on love, dating, and relationships. Because so much of dating has to do with personal growth, I recommend any book by Gay Hendricks, Sunil Gupta, or Mark Manson. Follow @seerutkchawla and @crackliffe on IG. And of course, read my book, Done Being Single: A Late Bloomer’s Guide to Love, which is a combination self-help memoir, singles survival guide, dating handbook, and personal development manifesto.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
The public and private sector must step up to alleviate the loneliness epidemic. Better urban planning, more community spaces and walkable streets, more social infrastructure. Let’s turn our bookstores into hot spots for singles; let’s turn city rec centers into more happening places; and let’s stop shopping online so we can revive our neighborhood shops and local retail!
How can our readers further follow your work online?
@trevabme
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
Treva Brandon Scharf On How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.