Confidence
Everyone knows confidence is attractive, no-one can explain how to get it. Well I’m about to.
Confidence comes from experience, the first time you drove a car was terrifying, the more you do it… the more CONFIDENT you become.
You want to get confident at dating, go on more dates. Date people you’re not even sure you want to date permanently. Just do a dinner, get better at conversation, at listening…the confidence will flow.
In today’s fast-paced and interconnected world, finding and maintaining meaningful romantic relationships can be a daunting task. From navigating dating apps to managing expectations in a digital age, there are numerous challenges individuals face in their quest for love. Through this series, we would like to explore the complexities of modern dating and relationships, offering insights, advice, and strategies for navigating the often confusing landscape of love in the 21st century. In this series, we are talking to experts in psychology, relationship coaching, sociology, matchmaking, and individuals with personal experiences navigating the modern dating scene, to share their knowledge, perspectives, and stories. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Adam Lyons.
Adam Lyons is a dating coach and psychology expert and founder of Ask The Dating Coach. He helps professional single men understand more about love, attraction and human behaviour so they can improve their love life, date successfully and have the kind of relationships they want.
Adam has a degree in psychology and an MBA in business and psychology. He has been voted number one dating coach in the world three times and has been featured in media all over the world. He is an expert in body language and is a vocal opponent of red pill theory, incels and misogynist advice promoted by high profile figures like Andrew Tate. Married to Eve, the pair are in a polyamorous relationship and raise and homeschool their five children together.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
As a teenager, I was voted least likely to get a girlfriend in high school, and unfortunately, I kind of owned that name. I really shouldn’t have. This meant that up until I was 26, I was mostly single.
I had a few relationships. None of them were really very good. And at 26, I decided to hire a dating coach to help me out. In fact, I hired a few dating coaches.
And while I definitely got results, I saw quite rapidly that they were using manipulative tactics, things I didn’t really agree with. I have a background in psychology, and I decided that they were on something, but it wasn’t quite right, and I was going to do it better.
So, I went on a mission to get really good at dating. I ended up being voted the number one dating coach in the world three years in a row.
Now for the last 18 years, I’ve helped men across the globe date higher quality women through ethical dating methods.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
I help men meet and attract a higher quality partner. So many of us settle for people that we accidentally come across… instead of taking the time to truly find someone that is an ideal match, psychologically, emotionally, even from a hobbies standpoint.
I’ve developed a 3 step system that we guide men through that works. It helps them make a solid group of friends who are supportive of their growth, then helps them become better conversationalists, better listeners, understanding that sometimes a woman just wants to be heard… and not given advice.
Lastly, we help them truly set the stage for intimacy, the importance of candles, music and of course, consent in order to get things more intimate.
With all the bad advice out there… I knew I HAD to do this.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
I grew up poor, VERY poor in East London. I spent most of my life running from my past. You can choose to run away… or you can choose to run towards something better.
Once I got into studying dating, I realized I was tired of running away, and I wanted to run towards a better life… initially for me… and now for all the people I meet.
So, trait one would have to be my drive to help others (and myself)
Trait two, I’m a natural empath. I read people really well. I remember in 2023 I had a weird vibe in a mansion party we went to in Colombia, I told my wife about it beforehand.
During the night some women were concerned they were being harassed by some guys there, the women were concerned they were going to be kidnapped as the guys kept trying to get them to go with them in a car.
I confronted them saying how they were making the women uncomfortable, and before you knew it, I had three guys surrounding me.
However, because I’d predicted the situation, I had taken precautions, and made it clear to them that I was in fact ready to defend myself.
They weren’t ready for someone to stand up to them, and they backed down and apologized, and promptly left.
But my ability to read people has always been a gift I rely on with leadership, and when you’re dealing with dating, sadly conflict from jealous men is something you have to be ready for. I’m very quick to look after my students.
The third quality has to be my stupidity.
Truly, I’m the guy who is always willing to do something that seems like a dumb idea… just to see what will happen. But this ends up with me leading from the front… which people respect. And when I show that it’s ultimately all ok… it makes it easier for people to follow me.
A good example is when I first went public about being polyamorous. Our story got picked up by the media all over the world, and then others who were poly in private started gaining the confidence to share their stories.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
Actually YES!
We just filmed a start to finish process of working with a client. It’s a two-hour long video showcasing all our methods. We’re adding the finishing touches before putting it online for everyone to see and learn from!
For the benefit of our readers, can you briefly tell our readers why you are an authority on the topic of dating and finding love?
Beyond my degree in psychology and my MBA in business with a focus in psychology, I’ve literally been teaching and studying this subject for over 18 years.
I’ve trained thousands of men, and had journalists from Channel 4, Fox News and Channal+ in Europe all come to confirm and validate my skills.
I don’t only talk the talk, I walk the walk and have proved it countless times.
Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love’. Based on your experience, what is a common root cause of the “inability to find love”?
Most people have no idea what love is. Love is a chemical NOT an emotion. If I ask you to show me the emotion of happiness, you will smile. If I ask you to show me the emotion of sadness, you will make a downward motion with your lips and make a sad face.
But show me the facial expression for love… and you can’t. Because it doesn’t exist. Trying to find love as an emotion or a romantic construct will always fail… as that isn’t what it is.
What are some common misconceptions or myths about finding love in the modern world, and how can they be debunked?
People say you need to wait and love will come along… it REALLY won’t.
Love is a chemical, and like all the other chemicals we have, it can be controlled, shaped and optimized. For example, the stress chemical cortisol can either leave you paralyzed in fear or motivate you to succeed based on your skills and practice at managing the chemical.
Love is the same. Like any skill, practice makes perfect.
Waiting for something to come along is only going to leave love up to chance.
What advice do you have for individuals who feel overwhelmed or disillusioned by the challenges of modern dating, and how can they maintain hope and optimism in their search for love?
The problem is that dating is now an industry. Matchmaking companies make money from matching you with as many people as possible, instead of helping people actually discover who they should be looking for, and why.
Once you know the kind of person you want, and where you can find them, you can literally go into a room PACKED with your ideal kind of partner and pick and choose who you want.
For example, I had a student who discovered he LOVED dating people in the medical field. The hours matched with his career, and he found them to be down to earth, hard-working and career driven.
So, he stopped going to bars or using dating apps, and I had him go to medical conferences. He is still married to the brain surgeon he met there almost 10 years ago.
Let’s explore how the rise of social media and dating apps has impacted the way individuals approach and experience dating and relationships. Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use social media to find love?
Social media should only be used for dating by way of recommendation from a friend. Before online dating, the practice of asking a friend if they know anyone was pretty standard.
It’s even easier to do now with social media, and yet so few people use it. It’s highly effective as if your friend likes you and likes the person they’re going to recommend, you have a much higher chance of getting on.
it’s a natural social filter that has worked for hundreds of thousands of years. Dating apps are ok… but they’re filled with bots and scammers so it’s better to find alternate methods if you can.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use dating apps to find love?
Do fill in the entire profile, most men get zero matches with online dating believe it or not, mostly because they don’t fully fill out the profile. This accounts for I’d guess around 80% of the cases we see. Also it’s worth noting that it sometimes pays to uninstall an app, reinstall it and fill it out fully straight away as the algorithm tends to favor people who do that (but don’t do this more than once a year or you run the risk of being banned from the app).
Don’t start messages with anything someone else might say. For example, “Hi”, “Happy Monday” etc. They have inboxes filled with responses like this.
Instead do something that will stand out. For example, I’ll send emojis that make up the lyrics of a popular song and ask them to guess the song.
it stands out and is more likely to get a reply.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about looking for romance in real-life physical spaces like congregations, bars, markets, and conventions?
Do take the time to become a regular first. Get to know everyone there before you start running around trying to hit on people. It’s better to meet your ideal partner through an introduction of someone who has already vetted you, vs trying to start the conversation cold.
Don’t push too hard, too fast. People in social settings aren’t going to want to rush things, as they won’t want to be judged by their friends and peers.
Build a real connection and then invite them to a date away from the environment you met them in, so they can get to have time with you, without fear of anyone else stopping by to say hi.
What are your thoughts about the challenges and opportunities that come with workplace romances?
DO NOT DO WORKPLACE ROMANCES.
It’s the fastest way to end a work placement, or worse, find yourself with some kind of complaint brought against you.
The only reason people do this, is they’re not meeting enough people outside of work. Do the work, put in the effort and meet others outside of work.
Can you discuss the role of vulnerability and authenticity in forming meaningful connections and finding lasting love?
It is impossible to have a real relationship until you’re both completely honest with who you are. My relationship only works because my partners know everything about me, from my sexual preferences to the way I like my toast.
This is how someone can love YOU for who YOU are. Not the version of you, that you want people to see.
That’s when relationships fail, because they “see the real you” and were sold something different. It’s like the worst form of bait and switch.
I’m far from perfect, but my wife knows my flaws and accepts me as I am. It’s refreshing.
Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Things You Need To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love”? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.
1 . Abundance
A study by Benedict Jones in 2006, showed that people who have pre-selection are 2 points more attractive on a 10 point scale. So you go from a 6 to an 8 or an 8 to a 10 just because someone else finds you attractive. Cultivate a life packed with people who you are attracted to and are attracted to you, and everything in dating gets easier. This is 100% doable, if you stop trying to date everyone you’re attracted to.
2 . Confidence
Everyone knows confidence is attractive, no-one can explain how to get it. Well I’m about to.
Confidence comes from experience, the first time you drove a car was terrifying, the more you do it… the more CONFIDENT you become.
You want to get confident at dating, go on more dates. Date people you’re not even sure you want to date permanently. Just do a dinner, get better at conversation, at listening…the confidence will flow.
3 . The Ability to Escalate
If you can’t turn someone on… you can’t make anything happen. But you have to know how to set the mood, to shift your vocal tone to a deeper, more relaxed tone, without being weird. Knowing how to turn the conversation to a more intimate discussion without saying “yeah baby let’s bang” There is an art to it, and once you learn it… there is no stopping you.
4 . A Coach
No-one mastered anything without a coach. From a musical Instrument to working out, to the Olympics. If you want to win, hire an expert. Dating is no exception, it’s a skill, you can learn it and master it… if you haven’t done it yet, hire a coach.
5 . An Open Mind
TV, movies and books have given us a terrible idea of what relationships should be and how they should work because they’re often written by people who are career driven, sacrificing love and relationships for a career in the media.
You have to understand that your ideals that you’ve been fed in books and movies are unrealistic. Real love is messy, hard work, fun and packed with laughter.
Forget the white knight and princess. Embrace the sweaty naked laughter and belching, you’ll be happier.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?
Brain Hacking is a book I wrote on Amazon about how the brain works. It’s an easy read, but explains a lot of what holds people back from everything.
I also love the Handbook of Relationship Initiation. It’s a heavy book to read, but packed with REAL advice not just self-help psych.
I love Sperm Wars, and Female infidelity and Paternal Uncertainty: Evolutionary Perspectives on Male Anti-Cuckoldry Tactics. These all just normalize relations and help people see love and dating for what it truly is.
Consider following me on IG @TheAdamLyons too.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 😊
I’d want us as a society to stop putting shame around intimacy and discussing relationships.
At school they JUST started teaching consent, but they don’t discuss how to do it effectively so, people don’t use it.
Sex is a huge part of being human, arguably the most important part for our survival as a species. Yet, we’re too ashamed to discuss it or allow it to be spoken about. That’s real failure as a society and allows the criminal elements to monetize our shame.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
askthedatingcoach.com is a great starting point or @theadamlyons on Instagram.
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
Adam Lyons of Ask The Dating Coach On How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.