An Interview With Brooke Young & Yitzi Weiner
The first step to help break the cycle of people-pleasing is to identify where your people-pleasing tendencies show-up most frequently. Perhaps you engage in people-pleasing primarily in your relationships with your friends. Identifying where this behavior appears can act as a catalyst to make changes.
In today’s society, the tendency to prioritize others’ needs and expectations over one’s own can lead to significant emotional and psychological challenges. In this series, we would like to explore the complex dynamics of people-pleasing behavior and its impact on individual well-being and relationships. We would like to discuss the root causes of people-pleasing behavior, its effects on personal and professional life, and practical steps for cultivating healthier relationships and self-esteem. We hope that this series can provide insights, strategies, and real-life experiences that can help individuals navigate and overcome the pitfalls of being a people pleaser. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Leah Jacobs.
Leah Jacobs is a licensed mental health counselor in the state of New York. She focuses on helping individuals with anxiety, depression, self-esteem, relationships, and communication. As a mental health counselor, Jacobs has insight regarding the psychological impacts of being a people-pleaser and how to break the patterns of the people-pleasing cycle.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
I grew up with a close-knit family unit. My family emphasized nightly dinners together which allowed for us to talk and connect over delicious, homemade food. For the entirety of my life, my family has been my source of support, which is something I will always be grateful for. In high school, I met my first boyfriend who later in life became my husband. We have always shared the same family values and enjoy cooking homemade pasta together!
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
Throughout college, I struggled with understanding what I should pursue as a career, which resulted in switching my major several times. I bounced around from education to speech pathology, and occupational therapy, until I finally landed on the idea of pursuing mental health counseling. Growing up with the privilege of my family’s unconditional love has allowed for me to have the mental space and capacity to provide support to others. Additionally, I have always enjoyed trying to understand the why of human behavior. These things, coupled with strong graduate training at Canisius University, have given me the opportunity to establish a mental health counseling practice and serve clients, hopefully, in helpful and useful ways.
Thank you for all that. Let’s now turn to the main focus of our discussion about People Pleasing. To make sure that we are all on the same page, let’s begin with a simple definition. What does “People Pleaser” mean to you?
To me, the definition of a people-pleaser is someone who goes above and beyond to place others’ needs before their own. People-pleasers go beyond acts of selflessness as their actions often compromise their own desires.
On the surface, it seems like being a person who wants to please others is a good thing. Can you help articulate a few of the challenges that come with being a people pleaser?
People-pleasing can result in resentment. Although meeting or exceeding the demands of others’ needs feels good in the moment, people-pleasing in the long-term can cause dissatisfaction towards the relationship.
Does being a people pleaser give you certain advantages? Can you explain?
Any kind of advantages of people-pleasing are short-lived and come at a cost. Take for example constantly being a “yes” person in your work place. This may land you some positive feedback from your employer, however, you may eventually suffer from burnout. Your boss may then come to expect a continuation of people-pleasing behaviors, which can result in becoming stuck in a cycle. Repeatedly, you find yourself going above and beyond but wishing you could have set boundaries and had politely said “no” to certain tasks.
Can you describe a moment in your life when you realized that your own people-pleasing behavior was more harmful than helpful?
Being a “yes” person occurred earlier in my career. Staying extra hours and saying yes to tasks beyond my limits became a daily occurrence. However, burn out quickly followed. At one point, I even felt guilty about being burnt out! I would doubt my capabilities when I felt exhausted, questioning if I was cut out for the difficult standards of community mental health.
It was not until I learned the art of setting boundaries and assertiveness that I found a sense of balance. I learned to find harmony between being able to help others while also ensuring that I help myself when needed. I also found it helpful to place some responsibility on companies who take advantage of, or praise, people-pleasers. Rather than fostering an environment of balance, some companies can create environments of pressure, where people-pleasers find themselves bursting at the seams.
In your opinion, what are the common root causes of people-pleasing behavior?
People-pleasing can come from a well-intentioned place. In fact, most people-pleasers are typically compassionate souls who care deeply for others. They may also value being a helpful and dependable person. However, the true act of people-pleasing starts when compassion turns into a vicious cycle of seeking validation to prove virtuousness; moreover, a quest to be seen as a helpful and dependable person. Seeking approval from others is referred to as external validation. Although all humans enjoy external validation, it can become a slippery slope when we start to depend on it. People-pleasers may start to chase the feeling associated with being well-perceived. Seeking out external validation to define one’s identity could be a possible root cause for the cycle of people-pleasing.
It is important to note that people-pleasers may also place a heightened emphasis on being successful. I like to believe that perfectionism is correlated with people-pleasing. Alike perfectionists, people-pleasers hold themselves to high and unachievable standards. People-pleasers want to be approved of and well-liked by everyone, which is an impossible pursuit.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact personal relationships?
Our personal relationships become one-sided when we people-please. We give but do not receive. In order for relationships to function healthily, there needs to be a mutual offering of support. People-pleasers can become taken-advantage of for their support, which can lead to feelings of resentment in that relationship.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact professional relationships?
From my experiences, people-pleasing is most commonly found in professional settings, where many individuals feel they should sacrifice their needs to be promoted, well-liked, or taken seriously in their work. People-pleasing in the work-place goes beyond working hard and can become an all-consuming endeavor. This can look like working beyond your scheduled hours by taking work home with you. Life can start to feel like you are living to work, leading to less time spent with family and friends.
How can long-term people-pleasing behavior impact an individual’s mental health?
We easily lose steam as people-pleasing involves difficulties saying no and over-taking responsibility. Operating from a place of burnout can lead to feelings of low-self worth as people-pleasers may feel disappointment in themselves for not being able to keep up with unrealistic standards. Constantly prioritizing the needs of others can also cause one to neglect themselves, resulting in less focus on self-care. Lastly, being a “yes” person to everything trains our brain to have a lower tolerance for conflict. People-pleasers over-personalize conflict and shift blame towards themselves for the issue. Part of people-pleasing tendencies can stem from avoidance of conflict. However, conflict is inevitable and when faced with it in absence of built-up tolerance, significant anxiety and stress may arise.
In your experience, what is the role of self-awareness in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies, and how can individuals cultivate it?
Self-awareness is the cornerstone of working through people-pleasing tendencies. Although it can feel intimidating at first, delving into examining your behaviors can help shift those behaviors into more helpful ones. To prompt self-reflection, we can begin to ask ourselves some questions, such as: “what environments are my people-pleasing tendencies most prevalent in?”, Why might people-pleasing feel more comfortable than asserting my needs?”.
Here is the primary question of our discussion. Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Strategies Or Techniques That Can Help Individuals Break Free From The Cycle Of People-Pleasing”? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.
1.) The first step to help break the cycle of people-pleasing is to identify where your people-pleasing tendencies show-up most frequently. Perhaps you engage in people-pleasing primarily in your relationships with your friends. Identifying where this behavior appears can act as a catalyst to make changes.
2.) Secondly, begin to notice how your language plays a role in your people-pleasing behaviors. Are you typically someone who over-apologizes? Do you struggle saying the word no? Would you rather remain reserved than speak up for your needs? Oftentimes, this can be referred to as passivity. A small scale way to practice shifting your language to assertiveness can look like practicing saying no to someone you love and trust. Starting with a person you deem as safe to practice this language shift with will help you build up to saying “no” in a more critical setting. Incorporating more assertive language can also include reserving apologies for only when you have a true reason to be sorry.
3.) Get comfortable asking for help. Many people-pleasers have a “do it all” mindset and are uncomfortable asking for help. Asking your partner for help with the dishes during a busy evening or asking a co-worker for help with a task will help you become comfortable with sharing responsibility versus over-taking responsibility.
4.) Challenge your negative thinking that may come along with setting boundaries through assertiveness and asking for help. Our brains may create anxious, unhelpful thoughts such as “could this person be upset with me for saying no?” “Will I lose out on opportunities if a stop working past my scheduled work hours?” We can challenge thoughts by poking holes in this type of thinking. We can call out our anxious thinking and remind ourselves that in order to sustain success and growth, we also have to give ourselves permission to care for ourselves.
5.) Working towards an acceptance mindset is the next strategy that can help break the cycle of people-pleasing. We must learn to accept that we cannot be everyone’s cup of tea. We must learn to accept that we might disappoint someone one day. While this can be a difficult concept to digest, it can be freeing to accept that no matter what, pleasing everyone is impossible. Potential disapproval or disappointment is inevitable and a part of the human experience.
What steps should people pleasers take to establish healthier boundaries?
Healthier boundaries include changing the way we respond to others through assertive language as discussed in my second tip above. However, boundaries can also be practiced through actions such as reducing time and energy spent on something or someone, making more time for yourself doing hobbies you love, or responding to work emails only at work. Setting boundaries is the conscious act of reclaiming a healthier lifestyle.
How can someone who is naturally empathetic maintain their compassion while becoming more assertive?
Compassion, empathy, and setting boundaries can all be used in the same sentence. In order to sustain compassion and empathy, it is crucial to implement boundaries. It is important to remember that boundaries and assertiveness do not make you any less of an empathetic person. Instead, it means that you are a human who is also worthy of getting your needs met and leading a fulfilling life.
What are the most common misconceptions about people pleasers, and how do these misconceptions affect their journey toward recovery?
A major misconception is that people-pleasing is a positive behavior. With employers rewarding people-pleasing behaviors, one may fall victim to believing that people-pleasing is the only way to succeed or keep relationships. This misconception can drive individuals further into the people-pleasing cycle as they have not yet learned that this behavior is harmful to themselves.
What role can therapy or counseling play in helping individuals overcome people-pleasing behavior?
Therapy can play a integral role in uncovering people-pleasing tendencies. Your therapist can help hold you accountable for working towards goals to break the patterns of your people-pleasing tendencies. Once trust and rapport is built, you may benefit from engaging in a role-play to practice assertive statements, setting boundaries, and saying no with your therapist.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?
Much of my work involves not only teaching people to set boundaries in their careers or with people in their life but also teaching about boundaries with social-media. Creating a movement to harness better boundaries with social media through educating youth and parents is a life-long mission of mine, especially as technology continues to grow and become more invasive in our lives.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
I create written-works and content on mental health, wellness, and psychology through Medium. To discover more, please visit the link https://medium.com/@jacobsleah3.
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
About the Interviewers:
Brooke Young is a multipassionate publicist, public speaking mentor, and communication consulting. She works with a wide range of clients across the globe, and across a diverse range of industries, to help them create, develop, and promote powerful messages through heart-centered storytelling. She has formerly worked On-Air with FOX Sports, competed in the Miss America Organization, and is the Author of a Children’s Book. She frequently works with children as a professional speaker where she educates on Volunteering and Therapy Dogs. She has over a decade of professional performing background and finds joy in sparking creative passions for her clients.
Yitzi Weiner is a journalist, author, and the founder of Authority Magazine, one of Medium’s largest publications. Authority Magazine is devoted to sharing in depth “thought leadership interview series” featuring people who are authorities in Business, Tech, Entertainment, Wellness, and Social Impact.
At Authority Magazine, Yitzi has conducted or coordinated thousands of empowering interviews with prominent Authorities like Shaquille O’Neal, Peyton Manning, Floyd Mayweather, Paris Hilton, Baron Davis, Jewel, Flo Rida, Kelly Rowland, Kerry Washington, Bobbi Brown, Daymond John, Seth Godin, Guy Kawasaki, Lori Greiner, Robert Herjavec, Alicia Silverstone, Lindsay Lohan, Cal Ripkin Jr., David Wells, Jillian Michaels, Jenny Craig, John Sculley, Matt Sorum, Derek Hough, Mika Brzezinski, Blac Chyna, Perez Hilton, Joseph Abboud, Rachel Hollis, Daniel Pink, and Kevin Harrington
Yitzi is also the CEO of Authority Magazine’s Thought Leader Incubator which helps business leaders to become known as an authority in their field, by interviewing prominent CEOs, writing a daily syndicated column, writing a book, booking high level leaders on their podcast, and attending exclusive events.
Leah Jacobs On How to Recover From Being a People Pleaser was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.