Know what you want. Get very clear on why you’re dating and what you’re looking for. I know many people who until they got clear, settled for anything, even if it wasn’t a match to their deepest dating intentions… why? Because they never took the time to get clear on what they are!
In today’s fast-paced and interconnected world, finding and maintaining meaningful romantic relationships can be a daunting task. From navigating dating apps to managing expectations in a digital age, there are numerous challenges individuals face in their quest for love. Through this series, we would like to explore the complexities of modern dating and relationships, offering insights, advice, and strategies for navigating the often confusing landscape of love in the 21st century. In this series, we are talking to experts in psychology, relationship coaching, sociology, matchmaking, and individuals with personal experiences navigating the modern dating scene, to share their knowledge, perspectives, and stories. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Mark Groves.
Mark Groves is a leading Human Connection Specialist, founder of Create the Love, host of the Mark Groves Podcast and author of Liberated Love: Release Codependent Patterns and Create the Love You Desire. Mark’s work bridges the academic and the human, inviting people to explore the good, the bad, the downright ugly, and the beautiful sides of connection. Mark has spent the last decade coaching and inspiring millions of people around the world to create the life and love they desire through his bold, no-BS relationship guidance.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
I grew up in Calgary, Canada. My father is from Canada and my mother is from Dublin, Ireland. I have an older brother and sister. I went to a French immersion school. I was a sensitive kid, who loved to laugh and play with friends. I grew up playing sports… soccer mainly. I always loved being around people, and it was often joked about by my brother especially, that I loved love. And while this is true, my sensitivity was not a strength as a child as I didn’t know how to protect and preserve it.
I grew up with incredible friends who I’m still close with today. I spent lots of time discussing relationships and human behaviour with my dad. When I had relationship challenges, he would be there to support and offer advice. I consider myself really blessed to have a father who was so emotionally intelligent and a safe space for all of my feelings.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
I teach people about how to create epic and transformative relationships. It is my belief that if you master relationships and the skills required to be successful at them, you will create a thriving and incredible life.
What brought me to this path were my own relationship challenges. I was a very successful pharmaceutical sales rep and had spent the majority of my twenties trying to understand human behaviour so that I could change my clients’ behaviour. Essentially, I was really interested in how to manipulate human behaviour. But when I went through a breakup in my late twenties I was desperate to understand why I was so good at talking about everything but my feelings. I had ended an engagement and felt really guilty about that and the pain I had caused my then fiancée. And yet I felt relief. I felt like I was finally back in control of my life. I wondered, “Why when I feel most connected to myself, and that I made a choice that really aligned with my soul, do I feel so judged by not only society, but also some of the people closest to me?” This led me to dive deep into the mystery of love, and what makes great relationships great, and others not.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
Integrity — I live what I teach. My writing, teachings and my podcast are me teaching what I’ve learned through my own learnings and journey. For example, when I went through a breakup with my now-wife, I spoke about that process and taught people how to leave a relationship with grace.
Curiosity — I live from the premise that I’m always a student. That I always have more to learn. Curiosity has served me well because it’s allowed me to heal my defensiveness and maintain openness when navigating differences in not only my romantic relationship but also all the relationships in my life.
Authenticity — I am dedicated to full self-expression. I believe that expressing what is true for us, with compassion and grace, is how relationships thrive. Humans are always asking two questions in relationships — 1) Am I safe? And 2) am I safe to be myself? It is important to me that the relationships I cultivate have a shared desire to invite one another to fully be ourselves. That truth is the ultimate commitment.
Leadership that embodies integrity and truth is trustworthy. Creating a shared space of mutual positive regard allows people to feel safe to step fully into their potential and who they truly are.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
My wife and I wrote a book together called Liberated Love. Whether someone is single, dating or in a relationship, I am certain that if they read the book, do the exercises, and practice the skills we teach, they can change their relationships and lives.
For the benefit of our readers, can you briefly tell our readers why you are an authority on the topic of dating and finding love?
I have studied relationships thoroughly for the last 25 years. Not only do I understand and teach the skills on how to become excellent at relationships, I live everything I teach. I have over 1.2 million social media followers, a top podcast in the area of relationships, have taught tens of thousands of people, and speak around the world on the subject.
Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love’. Based on your experience, what is a common root cause of the “inability to find love”?
It’s often the deeper beliefs and unhealed patterns in relationships that get in the way of finding love. For example, if we believe “there are no good men out there”, then that belief will drive how we date. If we believe all relationships end in divorce, or in betrayal or deception (or all of those things), that will unconsciously get in the way of finding love. We need to take the time to understand why we do what we do in relationships so that we can change it! We need to make the unconscious conscious so it stops steering our lives.
What are some common misconceptions or myths about finding love in the modern world, and how can they be debunked?
“There’s no good _men/women_ out there.” I hear this one from many people. While I don’t want to dismiss the negative experiences that people have in dating, this belief is really one that we hold to protect ourselves from disappointment.
People meet good people and date them all the time. This disproves this story immediately. However, the belief prevents us from experiencing a loss of hope and disappointment because we just blame the dating pool. I.e. It’s not that we struggle to find and choose good people, it’s that they don’t exist. These are ways we try to ease our anxiety and grief about our relationship circumstances and experiences. The real answer is to look within and explore our relationship patterns.
“There’s one person out there for me. My soulmate. The One.” The one is a myth. First off, the belief in the “one” is a belief that creates scarcity. What I mean by that is that when we have chemistry with someone, we’ll automatically give them the title of the one. When we date believing there’s only one person out there for us, we often hold on to people who are not our person. We should never just give someone the title of “soulmate” or “the one.” We should allow them to become it. We should hold on to our discernment as we’re dating.
Most of us are matching our desires and interests to those who desire and are interested in us. There are many people out there for us… The real quality we want to look for beyond attraction is a mutual desire to grow and change, both individually and together. Soul mates invite us to become more of ourselves. They invite us to heal, grow and change. Sometimes a soulmate is someone we have to leave. Sometimes a soulmate is the unavailable person who keeps leading us on. This allows us to build the skills to be able to recognize and choose a good partner when they show up.
What advice do you have for individuals who feel overwhelmed or disillusioned by the challenges of modern dating, and how can they maintain hope and optimism in their search for love?
The overwhelm and disillusionment can come from not trusting ourselves and others in the dating world. I would say that apps have greatly contributed to this because of not only the volume of people we’re exposed to but also the very real lack of accountability for behaviour as well as frequent and often fleeting expressions of interest.
The first thing I would say is that you need to take a break from dating and really get to know yourself. Dive deep into your patterns and understand why you do what you do in love. Learn why you choose who you choose, where you do not honour yourself in dating, and in what ways you compromise yourself and tolerate BS from others.
When we get clear on what we’re looking for, what we’re willing to accept and what our standards are, we can reenter the dating pool with intention and direction. And, if dating apps feel misaligned for you, put in the effort to meet people in the “real” world. It might be time to kick it old school and hang out at a coffee shop and put the vibe out there.
Let’s explore how the rise of social media and dating apps has impacted the way individuals approach and experience dating and relationships. Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use social media to find love?
Because there’s so much access to so many people and we can express interest with minimal effort, we have to be mindful when someone begins to pursue us. Someone expressing interest is not automatically a green light. Do be clear from the beginning about what you’re looking for. Practice exploring profiles and coding green and red flags. Often, when we find someone attractive, we’ll ignore a lot of things that are actually the things we need to be paying attention to.
Don’t compromise on your deal breakers and what you ultimately want in a relationship. When we change what we want to match what someone else wants we are sending the message to ourselves that not only do we not trust that we’ll find it, but also that we don’t deserve what we’re in search of.
Do not lower your standards.
Do not tolerate ambivalence from yourself or others.
Be mindful that if you’re used to chaotic connections, calm and reliable people might be triggering for you. Learn to lean into trustworthy people and away from those who don’t show up respectfully to you in the dating process. By choosing to not engage with people who are misaligned, you learn to trust yourself to choose those who are aligned.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use dating apps to find love?
Use them as a tool. As I said before, don’t just give someone the title of “the one” because you have a connection and chemistry. Put effort into your profile and be clear about what you’re looking for before you install the apps. Also, if the apps don’t feel aligned, trust that, and ditch them.
If someone ghosts you or triggers feelings of rejection, don’t make it about you.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about looking for romance in real-life physical spaces like congregations, bars, markets, and conventions?
Do put in the effort to put yourself in places where the type of person you’re looking for hangs out. My belief is that if you fall in love with your life, and you do activities that bring you joy, you will put yourself in the places where others are doing the same. I think when we get obsessed with dating and finding our person, we can lose a connection to the present moments and the miracle of being alive.
What are your thoughts about the challenges and opportunities that come with workplace romances?
Ha! Well, certainly, HR might have something to say about it. Yet, a lot of people meet their spouse (and also affair partners!) at work. Some of the challenges would be separating work from life, as well as how to handle the conflicts of our relationship as well as the possibility of their ending when we work with the person we’re dating day in and day out. I don’t think it’s a full-stop no-go, but I do think we have to be incredibly mindful and cautious when considering dating a coworker. Also, I would be careful about entering circumstances where we are being asked to or required to keep our relationship secret. Obviously, I can understand why that may be necessary, but also I think it is often the recreation of our wounding… likely from childhood.
Can you discuss the role of vulnerability and authenticity in forming meaningful connections and finding lasting love?
Vulnerability is the path to intimacy. It is through revealing ourselves, and creating the safe space for others to open, that relationships are formed. It’s important to ask ourselves questions like, “Has this person earned the right to this story?” This allows us to differentiate oversharing from vulnerability. It is my belief that oversharing is when we share the unresolved trauma, and vulnerability is when we share the wisdom derived from our painful experiences.
Most of us wear masks in our relationships which never allows others to truly know us. As well, we’ll never feel fully loved when we hide parts of ourselves… so notice what you hide from others. Authenticity has a confidence to it. It’s an aphrodisiac of sorts because it puts truth ahead of feelings. When we can trust someone will tell us the truth, we’ll feel safer to open up to them.
Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Things You Need To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love”?
1 . Know what you want. Get very clear on why you’re dating and what you’re looking for. I know many people who until they got clear, settled for anything, even if it wasn’t a match to their deepest dating intentions… why? Because they never took the time to get clear on what they are!
2 . Become skilled at the dating process and asking good questions. Relationships move in the direction of the questions we ask, so keep some great questions in your pocket that allow you to assess someone’s values and whether they’re aligned.
3 . If the apps feel heavy and anxiety-inducing, ditch them. Trust in the beauty of serendipity and synchronicity.
4 . Get great boundaries. When you have good boundaries you become a 10. People respect people who stand up for what they desire and what they’re willing to tolerate. Not only will others find you incredibly attractive when you have access to your voice and boundaries, but you’ll also love yourself more.
5 . Explore your past and why you do what you do in relationships. When people don’t know their patterns and aren’t self-reflective when it comes to love, inevitably they spend their lives bumping up to the same edges and finding themselves in the same relationship patterns and conversations. What isn’t confronted is repeated.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?
Wellllll, I am biased… but our new book Liberated Love is really unbelievable, and my podcast is all about relationships and mastering yourself and human connection. Some of my other favourite books are The Way of Integrity, Man’s Search for Meaning, Loving Bravely, The Origins of You, In Each Other’s Care, Getting The Love You Want… and so many more.
For podcasts: Jillian Turecki, Alexandra Solomon, Connor Beaton, Vienna Pharaon, and Sabrina Zohar.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
That we all tell each other the truth and learn how to be curious with people who see the world differently than we do.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
People can check out the Mark Groves Podcast wherever they get their pods, my videos about different relationship topics on my YouTube Channel, find my book, workshops and more on my website createthelove.com and markgroves.com, as well as follow me on Instagram and TikTok at @createthelove. My new book Liberated Love is also available on Amazon
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
Mark Groves of Liberated Love On How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.