An Interview With Brooke Young & Yitzi Weiner
Be honest about your readiness to change — As stated earlier, forcing an outcome can have the opposite reaction when it comes to changing a pattern that has long been ingrained in our lives.
In today’s society, the tendency to prioritize others’ needs and expectations over one’s own can lead to significant emotional and psychological challenges. In this series, we would like to explore the complex dynamics of people-pleasing behavior and its impact on individual well-being and relationships. We would like to discuss the root causes of people-pleasing behavior, its effects on personal and professional life, and practical steps for cultivating healthier relationships and self-esteem. We hope that this series can provide insights, strategies, and real-life experiences that can help individuals navigate and overcome the pitfalls of being a people pleaser. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Sapha Pardo Heckman.
Sapha is a Women’s Embodiment and Empowerment Mentor and Life Coach with over a decade of experience in guiding women to reclaim their personal sovereignty and cultivate the quality of life they truly deserve.
Sapha’s distinctive methodology interweaves feminine embodiment & energetic practices, emotional mastery, and profound introspective work in the form of self-inquiry. This powerful blend allows her to compassionately guide women in excavating the subconscious roots of wounds, conditioning and limiting beliefs that may be perpetuating unfulfilling patterns in their lives, relationships and careers.
Through her work, Sapha creates a safe container for women to shed self-sabotaging tendencies and help clients to reconnect with their inner power, reignite their purpose, and ultimately, transform their lives from the inside out.
She has guided numerous clients to shed self-limiting beliefs, reconnect to their inner power and embody their most radiant and authentic selves in all aspects of their lives.
Her greatest passion is witnessing women become deeply devoted to their growth, fall radically in love with themselves, and step into the fullness of their feminine embodiment and expression.
Sapha’s caring presence and life-changing guidance creates a sacred space where women can expand into their limitless potential and stand confidently in their truth, radiance and fulfillment.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
Thank you so much for the opportunity to share in this time with you!
Right off the bat, I have to say, I love the way you phrased this, because “origin stories” are more often associated with super-heroes in our minds, and the truth is, that we are all the main characters (and the most quintessential super heroes) in our own stories, so the idea of having this “origin” from which this magnificent adventure I’ve perceived as “my life so far” begins, is just right up my alley.
The interesting thing is that I’ve had some clients tell me my superpower is the ability to help them lean into sacred discomfort, while at the same time, creating a safe space where they can feel at ease as we journey through their inner work, and I think this comes from a combination of things within my “origin story”.
To begin with, I was born and raised in Mexico City amongst the hustle and bustle of a crowded space, the delicious aromas of truly inspirational food, the rich culture, and history of a proud, strong, devoted, and loving people, and while I wouldn’t change it for the world, my childhood there was also infused with a fair amount of trauma, and it was the exposure to this trauma in my early life that really allowed me to transform my life in adulthood.
Things may not have all been rainbows and unicorns, but I learned really early in life to be observant, to ask questions, and to recognize, trust in, and in many ways, be the light in the middle of the dark that I needed most when everything seemed to be falling to pieces all around me.
I guess in many ways you could say that my origin story is one of learning how to fall in love with the process of going through the underworld time and again with enough courage and self-love to be able to make it to the other side and (sorry to use a tired trope and cliché here, but it’s just so true I wouldn’t know how else to describe it) rise up from the ashes, like a phoenix being born anew.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
I like to say that I help women fall madly in love with themselves and their lives in such a way, that every single day feels like a romance for the ages, and I got here after many years of experiencing the exact opposite in my own life.
I told you earlier, I grew up with my fair share of trauma, and one of the patterns I created for myself before I had the appropriate tools to help me sift through those wounds, was a pattern of self-dismissal, self-depreciation and self-rejection that quickly turned into an eating disorder and a string of toxic, codependent relationships in my life.
And it really wasn’t until I was in college, and I stepped onto my yoga mat for the first time that things started to genuinely shift for me.
I remember so keenly that very first yoga class because I walked in hoping this “exercise” would help me lose those elusive ten pounds I’d been trying to shed since high school (even when I was at my lowest weight, which was 100 lbs by the way), and I walked out in an absolute rage.
Not because the class had been bad, or because the teacher wasn’t good, but because, unbeknownst to me, I’d started an internal healing process that had kicked off a little somatic magic in my body, and which had brought up some old emotions, memories and wounds from my very muscles (this, by the way is to date one of my favorite parts of yoga and why I still teach and practice it after 13 years).
At any rate, I left this class feeling angry and agitated and the next day, I came back for a second class, and then a third, and as time went on, and my practice deepened, the medicine of that mindfulness state of self-devotion, began to slowly shift my relationship to my body, my heart and my mind.
This was when I deepened my learning of, not only yoga, but energetic practices, psychology (which wasn’t my major, but I’d been studying since college just for fun and for extra credits) and nutrition. And a funny thing happens when you teach yoga or any kind of physically active “thing”, and it’s that people become naturally curious about how you are nourishing your body.
There wasn’t a class that went by where women weren’t coming up to me asking how I was keeping in such good shape, and what I was eating, but honestly, after years of doing the work, and after all I’d healed from through my mindfulness practices, I knew where these questions were coming from, and the resonance with the older parts of me that were quite literally willing, ready and able to kill themselves just to be as skinny as possible, immediately made me bristle at them.
My heart ached and broke in two. Because I saw it all around me, heard it in random conversations at the grocery store, or at the local flower shop, the narratives of “Oh I can’t eat this, I’m on a diet” and “Ugh, I’m such a pig, I can’t believe I ate that, now I’ll have to run five more miles just to make up for the calories” were everywhere I looked, and one day, when my niece (who was six at the time) came up to me and asked me if she was fat, I just couldn’t take it anymore.
I knew I had to do something.
I wanted to help other women change their relationships to food, but more than that, I wanted to help them break the patterns that were keeping them stuck. What I truly wanted, was to help them change their relationship to Self so they could live lives that felt vibrant and rich.
I wanted to help them become their most devoted lovers, and the true honest to goodness loves of their lives (because ultimately, that is what you are to yourself — THE love of your life, the one that will be there forever) and I wanted to help them reclaim their feminine sovereignty so they’d also put behind them the patterns of people-pleasing, self-minimizing and self-depreciation that were preventing them from that goal.
And so, I started taking on private clients as a nutritionist at first, and found that every person I sat across from wound up telling me their deepest pain, and sharing with me their heart of hearts, and so I decided to stop being afraid of what people would say, and fully embody myself as a feminine embodiment and empowerment mentor and life coach, and that, is how I got here.
Thank you for all that. Let’s now turn to the main focus of our discussion about People Pleasing. To make sure that we are all on the same page, let’s begin with a simple definition. What does “People Pleaser” mean to you?
To me, people pleasing is the subconscious belief that your needs, your beliefs, your values, your wants, desires, dreams, and really every part of who you are, is only “good” or within the “acceptable” range of existence so long as you’re not rocking the boat, or making other people uncomfortable, or being perceived as “too much”.
To people please is to betray the self for the sake of the false hope or belief that if you’re small enough, good enough, perfect enough, quiet enough or even inconsequential enough, you’ll receive the love, care, tenderness, affection, and respect that you deserve inherently, but which you believe you have to work for.
In other words, people pleasing is your desperate attempt at earning the love you most long for in this life, even if it means giving up who you are in order to get it.
And we all deserve way better than that.
On the surface, it seems like being a person who wants to please others is a good thing. Can you help articulate a few of the challenges that come with being a people pleaser?
Imagine waking up every morning in a panic, making countless mental notes and feeling adrenaline pump through every tissue in your body because you know that today, like every other day, you need to do your best to present proof positive that you’re worthy of love, respect, care and tenderness.
This, is exactly what our nervous systems go through when we dive headfirst into the realm of self-betrayal and self-depreciation that we know as “people pleasing.”
And the thing is, that we aren’t necessarily acting from a place of kindness when we people please.
Sure, we may believe that in doing everything imaginable to make other people in our lives happy, we’re being “good”, and in fact, we may see this over-doing as proof positive that we are such wonderful beings, that we are willing to go above and beyond, and so therefore, this must mean that we’re on our way to earn that imaginary gold star all “good” people receive after years of martyrdom.
But the truth is, bending over backwards to make sure everyone else is taken care of instead of, or before you, isn’t the marker of a true hero. It’s the marker of a person who’s in a deep state of fawn, or a person who struggles with the idea of not being in complete control, or a person who believes they’re the only one who can rescue the people in their lives (which leads to enabling), or even, a person who hasn’t learned to value, fall in love with, and deeply court ever part of who they are (meaning, a person who truly knows and loves themselves).
People pleasing isn’t just about minimizing the self in order to appease or be more palatable to the people around us. No, people pleasing is a whole way of living. It’s a pattern-informed, reactive state of being that keeps us in a perpetual state of fight, flight, freeze & fawn in our lives, and it’s an act of fear and disconnect, and not a true act of love.
The challenge with this, is that the more willing we are to bend over backwards, the more readily available we will be to fall into toxic patterns of behavior and toxic relationship dynamics which will leave us feeling depleted, at the effect of, unheard, unseen, resentful, depleted and completely bereft of self-knowledge.
When people pleasing gets bad enough, we’ll often find ourselves waking up in the middle of the night, wondering who we even are anymore, and feeling a sense of numbness that can be very unsettling.
People pleasing is a sure-fire way to run your nervous system, your mental health, your energetic field and your heart completely ragged, and in that place, we tend to believe we have to suffer alone, which then leads to bitterness, anger, and frustration and can leave us feeling purposeless and bereft of hope.
Does being a people pleaser give you certain advantages? Can you explain?
I love this question! Because, yes, every pattern we’ve developed in our lives (and I’m not going to label them good or bad right now), brings some form of internal comfort to us that can, to the perception of our ego, serve us, which is why so many of us struggle in breaking certain patterns and cycles in our lives.
Because not only do they feel familiar, but they also feel safe and seem to bring a sense of protection that we can benefit from in one way or another.
As an example, those of us who grew up in a household where things felt unstable and unsteady (could be that our parents were emotionally immature, or we were constantly moving, etc.) are very likely to have experienced people pleasing as our one saving grace in an otherwise chaotic environment.
In this example, it’s possible that by people pleasing, we were able to keep the peace between our parents when they fought at the dinner table, or, we might have felt a deep sense of pride in realizing that the more we did for others, the more “She’s such a good little girl” acolytes we received.
It may even be that the more we gave of ourselves to others, the deeper our sense of fulfillment, and purpose, and so, of course, people pleasing can feel like an act of tenderness and love, the key is learning to recognize when we’re coming from a place of true giving, and when we’ve crossed into the realm of self-depreciation.
Can you describe a moment in your life when you realized that your own people-pleasing behavior was more harmful than helpful?
I can think of far too many, but I’d like to share two distinct instances because I believe they’ll help readers see that people pleasing isn’t always as obvious to spot or work through as we might think.
The first instance I can think back to, is a form of people pleasing I find most women falling prey to, and which can, in fact cost someone’s life in extreme cases.
This particular instance happened when my, now husband and I were having dinner. We’d sat down at this lovely table, and halfway through the meal, I started feeling lightheaded. There was no reason for the sudden onset but having unfortunately fainted a few times in my life, I could recognize some of the precursory signs, and I was dogged about not passing out in the middle of the restaurant so as to not “inconvenience” or worry anyone.
Looking back, it makes me laugh with some irritation because, honestly, the fact that I would be so concerned about not being in people’s way at a time when I wasn’t doing well, is just a small marker of how insidious these patterns can become in our lives (even after years of mindfulness practices and inner work).
At any rate, in that moment, I was so concerned with keeping everyone happy (not making a scene) that I left the table and stepped outside, where I could very well have passed out without anyone even noticing, which is exceedingly dangerous.
And the thing is, there’s been studies that show more women are likely to die alone, because they would rather go to an isolated little corner where they can suffer, than inconvenience the people around them, and yet, we don’t make the connection between our willingness to self-deny (people please), and making decisions like this one, which can very well cost someone their life.
So that’s the not so obvious example, and second to that, I’d say that my most catalyzing realization of this happened when I finally chose to love myself deeply enough to walk away from my first marriage.
I’d been in a toxic relationship for twelve years, and I spent countless nights crying myself to sleep because, not only was I miserable, I also felt lost, alone and in a deep state of depletion. I’d give my all, made concessions, pushed aside my values, ignored and minimized my pain and chose to keep silent when things were rotting away, all because I was afraid to let people down and “rock the boat”.
At that time, I’d honestly sooner have kept “working hard” to keep the relationship afloat and do everything in my power to make sure the other party was happy, than take a stand, speak my truth, and honor myself in a genuine way.
It honestly was the work I was doing with other women that slowly started chipping away at the familiar pattern I’d fallen into that finally helped me break free.
Because I bristled in defense of other women who were going through the same thing, and I couldn’t help but ask myself why it was ok for me to defend everyone else’s peace except for mine.
Little by little, the walls of that “comfort” and the payoff I was getting from remaining in my people pleasing “era” (if we can call it that) started to erode away, and when those walls finally came down, the choice to love myself more than the pattern became a no brainer, and I was able to walk away and choose myself and my life again. And it’s been the best decision I ever made.
In your opinion, what are the common root causes of people-pleasing behavior?
What I’ve observed most consistently, is that people pleasing can come, not only from a place of desiring to be loved, validated, accepted, embraced, cared for, and respected, but also from unhealed wounds in our subconscious that are basically running the show on autopilot for us.
And some of these wounds are global, rather than just individual. For example, there are very specific wounds of the feminine present in our energetic (not necessarily in a gendered way) field, which inform the narrative of the “good little girl”, and these wounds feed the narrative that in order to be cared for, we must first present proof positive that we’ve been “good”, that we’ve checked all the boxes and behaved perfectly at all times. And lord help you if you put even one toe out of line, because the second you express anger, or stand up for yourself, or choose to create boundaries in your life or hold up healthy standards, you know you’ll be called “too much”, “needy”, “bossy” or a myriad other expletives that I won’t use right now, but I’m sure you can guess at.
The point is that these wounds become internalized, and without our knowledge, we move through this world at their effect, letting them run the game for us, and believing that they hold some inexplicable power over us when in truth, they do not.
Other root causes are a dysregulated nervous system, unhealed trauma, a need to feel in control, and a belief that self-sacrifice is the most powerful proof of love we can present to the people in our lives.
This last is tied to the belief that if we express, posses, or even give voice to our own needs, wants, desires, dreams, values and/or beliefs, we are being selfish because everyone else needs to take precedence, which then leads us back to the paradoxical belief that we’re either “too much” or “not enough” all at once, and round and round the vicious circle goes.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact personal relationships?
People pleasing in interpersonal relationships creates inequality and an imbalanced power dynamic that will cause strain, friction, dysfunction, and resentment. This is the realm we get stuck in when we feel like we’re always going above and beyond and yet the other person isn’t carrying their weight.
It’s also a pattern that holds a connection to enabling behavior that aggravates codependency, and can add fuel to a detrimental relationship, in which the people involved are continuously playing into the cycles of what in psychology is known as the drama triangle.
It’s a very depleting dynamic that also affects our trust toward the other person, and leaves us feeling unfulfilled, unseen, dismissed and taken advantage of, rather than cared for, cherished, seen, loved, protected and/or supported.
People pleasing in relationships is a surefire way to create strife, disdain, distance, and lack of intimacy, which is interesting because internally, we believe that by bending over backwards every chance we get, we’ll somehow grow closer, and become more deeply appreciated but nothing could be further from the truth.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact professional relationships?
People pleasing in the office leads to resentment, burnout and a sense of inadequacy.
It’s as if no matter how hard we try, or what we do, our efforts are never seen as enough, are too easily dismissed or bypassed and in some cases, are weaponized against us or utilized as opportunistic people take credit for our work or simply choose to walk all over us.
This is a sure-fire way to feel like your work doesn’t matter and your life is lacking in purpose.
How can long-term people-pleasing behavior impact an individual’s mental health?
As I shared earlier, people pleasing can often come as a result of a dysregulated nervous system, which causes strain for our minds and our bodies, as these are kept in a perpetual state of dis-ease, wherein adrenaline and even cortisol are working overtime because we perceive our lives as being in a constant state of danger.
Your nervous system needs to rest, it needs to be able to calibrate, reset and bring homeostasis back into your body so you can think clearly, digest your food properly, sustain an appropriate amount of energy throughout the day, and rest at night, but when you’re caught in a constant state of fight, flight, freeze or fawn, your body is unable to reach this state of replenishment, which starts slowly eroding your adrenal health, your digestive health, and your mental health.
It isn’t uncommon for people pleasers to struggle with low self-esteem, emotional dysregulation, identity confusion, depression, impaired decision-making, codependency, and a lack of emotional intelligence needed to create healthy boundaries, develop healthy relationships, and establish healthy habits that can adequately support their lives in a truly fulfilling way.
Everything affects everything else and remaining in a perpetual state of “proving your worth” so to speak, prevents you from reaching a true space of balance and health in your day-today-life. This is why so many people pleasers end up burnt out and struggle with anxiety, panic attacks, and immune system depletion to name a few. You wouldn’t think of it but believe me when I tell you, your body knows exactly how you are feeling, and it holds the information of each heartbreak, each moment of self-dismissal, each second of teeth grinding as you suck it up and put on a brave front just to keep everyone else happy.
All of that remains in your body, and when you don’t make the time to heal, to move through it, to recalibrate and take mindful care of yourself, you’re in effect exacting death by a thousand cuts, and it’s really a shame, because you deserve to be healthy, thriving and fulfilled in your life.
In your experience, what is the role of self-awareness in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies, and how can individuals cultivate it?
I truly believe self-awareness to be of paramount importance when it comes to changing, reframing, and ultimately, healing the patterns of people pleasing in our lives, as this process involves a deep exploration of our internal landscape and the beliefs that have led us to prioritize others’ needs above our own for so long.
The more deeply we are willing to get to know who we are, and what internal systems have kept us stuck in cycles of stagnancy, self-denial, self-betrayal and self-dismissal, the more deeply in love we will fall with our true selves, and the more proactive we will become in taking action in our lives from a place of empowerment and integrity.
This process requires a willingness to embark on a journey of self-discovery and introspection, akin to dating and romancing ourselves and getting to know the intricate workings of our minds and hearts.
By honoring these internal parts as valid and worthy of attention, we can begin to reframe our perspectives and cultivate a healthier relationship with ourselves. It’s essential to recognize that cutting out people pleasing behavior isn’t about becoming selfish or self-involved; rather, it’s an act of deep selflessness and self-devotion. It involves prioritizing our own well-being and needs in a way that fosters balance, self-trust, radical ownership, and accountability in our lives.
Through this process of self-awareness and self-care, we can create more intimacy in our relationships and honor both, ourselves, and others in a more aligned and authentic way.
By making ourselves the number one priority in our lives, we open the door to deeper and more meaningful connections with others and we effectively break the bonds of inequity that too often taint connection as viewed through the lens of people pleasing.
Cultivating self-awareness involves practicing mindful awareness and embracing the empowering act of sovereignty in our lives. It requires us to be present with our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors without judgment in order to recognize the power we have to shape our own experiences.
Once we become aware of the dynamics at play within ourselves, everything changes.
We gain the insight and clarity needed to break free from the cycle of people pleasing and learn to live more authentically and intentionally. Through this journey of self-awareness and self-romancing, we can reclaim our agency and create lives that are aligned with our true values and desires — what we could call, a life aligned with our highest self and highest good.
Here is the primary question of our discussion. Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Strategies Or Techniques That Can Help Individuals Break Free From The Cycle Of People-Pleasing”? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.
1 . Learn to honor your sense of self-importance — When we recognize, cultivate, and transform our sense of self-importance, what we’re doing, is growing, understanding, and reshaping our inner sense of self-worth.
This requires questioning whether we see ourselves as individuals with inherent worth, or whether we relate to ourselves as beings whose only value can be determined by what we contribute to the collective and how effective we are at prioritizing the well-being of others.
Many people experience resistance and discomfort when confronted with the concept of self-importance, often equating it solely to arrogance. However, self-importance encompasses much more than that; it reflects the beliefs we hold about our own significance, value, and worthiness.
For instance, if a person believes they’re not good enough, their sense of self-importance will be greatly diminished. Similarly, if someone feels they must constantly prove their worth to gain validation from others, their sense of self-importance will be heavily reliant on external validation.
By nurturing a healthy sense of self-importance, we can break free from the cycle of people pleasing. This involves recognizing our inherent worth and value simply by virtue of our existence, without constantly seeking external validation.
When we honor, know, feel, love, and hold ourselves as valuable beings independent of others’ opinions, we minimize the need to constantly prioritize others’ needs over our own.
Ultimately, developing a sense of self-importance allows us to establish firm boundaries, prioritize self-care, and cultivate deeper self-awareness. It empowers us to value ourselves authentically and live in alignment with our true desires and values, thereby breaking free from the depleting and soul-crushing pattern of people-pleasing.
2 . Stop trying to “let it go” — There’s a difference between learning from a pattern, and organically growing through it, versus forcibly trying to bulldoze your way out of it.
Without the full understanding of why you’re perpetuating these cycles, how they’re impacting your life, or the desire to change, you’re more likely to find yourself cursing the heavens for your continued inability to change, than to actually shift your perspective, break the habit, and free yourself from the old belief-system and pattern all together.
After all, you can’t force someone to change if they don’t want to and trying to berate yourself into being a better person, is just another form of self-dismissal that will only backfire.
This is akin to treating a symptom rather than the cause of the disease in a person who is unwell. We must be willing to look at the cause, to go deep, to examine things closely, and to fully understand what is creating this need, this compulsion in our lives.
Looking at the whole picture allows us to create, consume, and tolerate the medicine in the right dosage, and administered in the most efficient way possible.
3 . Date the pattern — I’m a firm believer that the more willing to ask questions of ourselves, the more we choose to romance and date every aspect of who we are, the more adept we will become at taking full ownership of our lives rather than feeling like we are constantly at the effect of them.
We touched on this briefly earlier, and in this case, when we speak of “dating” the pattern, what we’re doing is giving ourselves permission to better understand what it is about this pattern of people pleasing that we feel is serving us and how.
During this stage, it’s helpful to ask ourselves questions like:
- What is it about people pleasing that feels safe, known, familiar and even desirable to me?
- What function does my people pleasing have? and what’s it compensating for?
- What do I actually gain from people pleasing and what would it take for me to live without it?
Once we’ve taken our people pleasing pattern out on a “date” (where we ask these questions without judgment, but rather, from a place of curiosity and even a little excitement at finding the answers), we can then make a decision as to how we would like to proceed in our healing of this particular aspect of Self.
“Dating” the aspects of ourselves that keep us embedded in patterns of disempowerment, rather than throwing sticks of dynamite at them (e.g. Belittling yourself for being helpless and unable to change, or even hiding behind a label without ever trying to understand or heal the pattern, effectively turning your knowledge into an excuse to remain the same) is a much more uplifting, caring, and effective way to move beyond the surface-level, and a much more impactful way to heal.
4 . Be honest about your readiness to change — As stated earlier, forcing an outcome can have the opposite reaction when it comes to changing a pattern that has long been ingrained in our lives.
In fact, we may not realize this, but one of the reasons we have such a hard time letting go of, or changing a pattern that is no longer serving us, is that there are parts of ourselves that know we’ll have to grieve for the version of ourselves that will inevitably have to change and die (in a sense) to make room for the new version to arise.
So the inner knowing that some part of the Self will have to, not only release this binky (patterns really act as comfort blankets) but also evolve beyond it, can be a little scary for us. Because we know this will mean breaking the cycle of comfort, we know it’ll mean some people won’t like us anymore, and we know it’ll mean making choices to walk away and transform, and that can be sad, as well as scary.
Therefore, it’s important for us to be very honest about our readiness to release, shift, transform, and move out of the cycle we’ve been a part of for so long, and it’s equally important to be willing to move with kindness, courage, and patience.
As an example, I once worked with a client who’d spent so much time people pleasing in her life, that she’d all but forgotten who she was, and she’d become very resentful of her children, her family members, and even the people in her church.
This resentment was eating away at her soul, and she felt as though she had nothing else to give, so much so, she couldn’t even cry when a friend shared the pain of a loss she’d undergone in her life.
Once we spotter the pattern, got to know it better, and became present to how (to the perception of her ego and subconscious self) it had been serving her, I asked if she was ready to shift her dynamic and release her dependency on this pattern, and she said “not yet”.
Together, we honored this inner knowing without judgment or urgency, and we moved on to a different aspect of her healing journey in order to allow her time to process it all.
A little while later, she told me she was ready to move on, and we then focused on breaking the bonds of people pleasing in her life little by little.
Sometimes all we need is a little of patience, some time to understand ourselves better, and the opportunity to decide who we wish to be as we alchemize these patterns in our lives.
5 . Move with love and mindful sovereignty — Mindful sovereignty is the art of embodying yourself as the ultimate self-authority in your life. This mastery opens the doors to radical accountability, empowered action, and emotionally intelligent living. And it’s one of the most potent ways to break free from people pleasing precisely because it places you front and center in every area of your life.
When you take this powerful tool, and infuse it with unwavering self-love, you create the perfect ecosystem for your nervous system, your mind, your heart, and even your body to make more adeptly aligned choices in your life that will reflect the true understanding that no matter what, you are worthy, and this, is probably the most important piece of the puzzle.
Mindful sovereignty involves reclaiming your agency and validating your thoughts, emotions, and actions, and this allows you to consistently make the choice to show up from a place of deep self-importance, to honor your values, to stand by your integrity and to consistently take up space in this world, knowing that no performative act is needed (nor would it be useful) to be seen, and/or treated with respect, love, caring, and kindness.
Mindful sovereignty allows you to attune to your emotional intelligence with deep clarity, so you’re never at the effect, but at the helm. This is the realm where feeling your emotion, isn’t the same as reacting form that same emotion. It’s also the realm you learn to anchor into when you feel like things are out of your hands (where you can let go of the illusion of control, and rest, instead in the knowing that everything is working out to your highest good, and you’re always ok, no matter what).
Mindful sovereignty is a tool you can wield with discernment and love as you slowly become more adept at releasing the need to be “everything to everyone all the time”. It allows you to look beyond the illusion of demonstrative existence and hero-complex that mire so many aspects of the people pleasing internal dynamics, and it also allows you to anchor beyond codependent and enabling behaviors and compulsions, leaving you free to experience life from an embodied state of personal self-governance that’ll give you the freedom to choose better for yourself and your life.
In this space, there’s no need for external validation, nor is there a need to prove that you’re a “good” or virtuous person by neglecting your needs, beliefs, values, etc.
Mindful sovereignty is the medicine needed to help you remember how to prioritize your own well-being and your needs, while also fostering a sense of wholeness and authenticity that make it possible to serve others in a more balanced way that that of people pleasing.
What steps should people pleasers take to establish healthier boundaries?
When we believe the lie that everyone else’s needs, wants, desires, etc. are more important, or even more pressing than our own, we tend to believe that establishing healthy boundaries is a form of disloyalty or even betrayal.
In fact, many people pleasers struggle to set boundaries precisely because they feel that in doing so, they’re not only neglecting the other person, but also taking aggressive and selfish action against them.
People pleasers who’ve fallen into the trap of becoming enablers for the people in their lives are especially plagued by this dilemma, as they’ll often see themselves as the perpetrator or aggressor when trying to create a healthy, reasonable, and necessary boundary with the people in their lives.
This is why it’s crucial for people pleasers to become exceedingly well-adept at understanding their worth, acting from a place of mindful sovereignty, and noticing the old compulsion sneaking up on them when a situation (such as the time and need to establish a boundary) trigger in them the need to bend over backwards.
In this regard, it’s important to respect the following elements in the creation of healthy boundaries in any relationship:
- Self-Reflection and mindful action — Spotting the trigger is all good and well, but we must be willing, ready, and able to take radical ownership of our actions once we’ve spotted the trigger so we can honor our values, needs and limits when establishing boundaries.
- Communicating Assertively — Approaching a person with the energy of “I know I’m being a horrible person by creating this boundary” isn’t going to benefit either party. Clear, honest, sovereign action is needed here, and it’s important to remember not to revert back to “asking permission” or “asking forgiveness” when verbalizing or creating these healthy boundaries in our lives (You aren’t evil for protecting your peace, and you don’t have to prove to the other person why what you’re doing is good. You also don’t owe them an explanation or an apology for the creation of said boundary).
- Get comfortable saying no — Saying no is incredibly challenging for people pleasers, because there’s always a sense of “letting people down” underlaying these two words. However, saying no to others doesn’t make us a burdensome disappointment, it makes us empowered creators of our lives, and it also helps deepen intimacy with the people who are in true alignment with us, rather than drive a wedge between us.
- Prioritize your peace — Setting boundaries can feel impossible as a people pleaser when we forget that our peace is enough of a reason to create these limits in our lives. Not to sound like a broken record, but again, boundary-setting isn’t selfish, and neither are your for wanting better for your life.
How can someone who is naturally empathetic maintain their compassion while becoming more assertive?
Speaking from a place of empowered and sovereign action, doesn’t negate your ability to hold empathy, sympathy, or kindness towards another person. It simply provides you with the means to clearly, proactively, and intelligently articulate what you’re trying to convey in a way that doesn’t allow for the minimizing of your inner light, your values, your power, or your needs. — In other words, speaking assertively is a surefire way to ensure you’re not speaking from an old pattern of people pleasing, and it’s a phenomenal way to be true to your self-worth in what can still be a very empathic manner, especially when you’re coming from a place of deep emotional intelligence.
Open, honest and empowered communication that stems from radical self-authority has nothing to do with belittling people, minimizing them, or making them feel bad when being firm with them.
The more adept we are at standing firm in our self-authority, the better we can navigate assertive communication while preserving our natural empathy.
By cultivating emotional intelligence, we can recognize and manage our own emotions while remaining attuned to the feelings of others. This allows for open, and empowered communication that’s respectful and considerate, while also remaining clear, and authoritative.
What are the most common misconceptions about people pleasers, and how do these misconceptions affect their journey toward recovery?
People pleasers are often depicted as spinless, cowardly, and weak — When, in fact, they’re incredibly resilient, intelligent, courageous, and empathetic people who’ve, for too long, taken on the burden of being the light, the support system, the care-givers and the most dependable and loyal people possible to the very detriment of their own needs, wants, beliefs, desires, and values.
In other words, these are the people you can always depend on, and who will be by your side “no matter what”, and it’s that willingness to put everyone else above and ahead of themselves that puts them in the perfect place for self-dismissal and depletion — they will give it all, and drain themselves, and that, isn’t at all the action of a weak, spinless or cowardly person.
Incidentally, it is precisely these qualities, which, in fact, are quite sought after in our society, that makes people pleasers so desirable, but it’s also what leads to so many being taken advantage of, ending in toxic spaces, and losing themselves and their identities along the way.
People pleasers are always happy — Another common misconception, is that people pleasers are always happy and agreeable precisely because they tend to be so accommodating.
But the reality is that giving so much of themselves, while caring so little for their own needs, leaves people pleasers feeling deeply resentful, stressed, anxious, dissatisfied, depressed and angry. This is why it’s important for people pleasers to learn how to care for themselves first in the recovery process.
All people pleasing comes from a selfless and altruistic place — As stated earlier, a lot of people pleasers are taking reactive action in their lives stemming from unhealed trauma, a need to remain in control, a belief that they’re the only ones capable of doing things, and a lack of self-esteem amongst others.
This is why, taking the time to properly introspect, and romance (or date) themselves is so crucial in the recovery process. It’s also why it can be so much more challenging for them to shift out of the auto-pilot people pleasing space they’ve inhabited for so many years.
What role can therapy or counseling play in helping individuals overcome people-pleasing behavior?
Do you remember that quote from Alice in Wonderland, where she says, “I give myself very good advice but very seldom follow it”? This is because often, people may recognize the need to change their behavior but struggle to implement the change on their own.
It’s also true that we can only see what we’re already aware of, or what we’re ready to perceive. But when we have someone outside of the Self, who isn’t attached to a particular outcome or judgment to take a more global or macroscopic view of our lives and the situations we’re moving through, we get the added benefit of having a guide who can offer a fresh perspective, a pointed question at just the right time, and a set of tools, and strategies to help us understand more deeply, see more clearly, and take empowered action in a new, better aligned way.
Therapy, counseling and mentorship, therefore, play a pivotal role in helping people overcome people pleasing behaviors by providing them with a supportive and nonjudgmental space to explore, become aware of, and recognize underlying beliefs, emotions, and patterns of their behavior that they would possibly not have been able to see on their own.
Moreover, these tools help people cultivate a greater self-awareness and self-compassion, allowing them to recognize their inherent worth and value independent of others’ approval or validation.
These spaces for self-reflection serve as a valuable resource for those who are actively seeking to break free from the cycle of people-pleasing and cultivate more authentic, balanced, and fulfilling relationships with themselves and others.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
As has been within my heart for well over a decade and a half, my heart is in the remembrance, reawakening, and re-alivening of the power of the Divine Feminine.
I believe that the deeper we go into the exploration and healing of the wounds that have kept the wild, powerful, and awe-inspiring essence of the feminine, the more healing we can bring not only to ourselves, but to the world at large.
Therefore, the re-wilding and embodiment of the feminine is my life’s delight, work and focus, and that, is the movement I most believe in.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
I am always available on Instagram @yoursoulfulgoddess, and people can tune in to my podcast, “Mindfully Sovereign” on all major platforms, as well as reach out to me directly at [email protected] and visit my site at www.yoursoulfulgoddess.com
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
About the Interviewers:
Brooke Young is a multipassionate publicist, public speaking mentor, and communication consulting. She works with a wide range of clients across the globe, and across a diverse range of industries, to help them create, develop, and promote powerful messages through heart-centered storytelling. She has formerly worked On-Air with FOX Sports, competed in the Miss America Organization, and is the Author of a Children’s Book. She frequently works with children as a professional speaker where she educates on Volunteering and Therapy Dogs. She has over a decade of professional performing background and finds joy in sparking creative passions for her clients.
Yitzi Weiner is a journalist, author, and the founder of Authority Magazine, one of Medium’s largest publications. Authority Magazine is devoted to sharing in depth “thought leadership interview series” featuring people who are authorities in Business, Tech, Entertainment, Wellness, and Social Impact.
At Authority Magazine, Yitzi has conducted or coordinated thousands of empowering interviews with prominent Authorities like Shaquille O’Neal, Peyton Manning, Floyd Mayweather, Paris Hilton, Baron Davis, Jewel, Flo Rida, Kelly Rowland, Kerry Washington, Bobbi Brown, Daymond John, Seth Godin, Guy Kawasaki, Lori Greiner, Robert Herjavec, Alicia Silverstone, Lindsay Lohan, Cal Ripkin Jr., David Wells, Jillian Michaels, Jenny Craig, John Sculley, Matt Sorum, Derek Hough, Mika Brzezinski, Blac Chyna, Perez Hilton, Joseph Abboud, Rachel Hollis, Daniel Pink, and Kevin Harrington
Yitzi is also the CEO of Authority Magazine’s Thought Leader Incubator which helps business leaders to become known as an authority in their field, by interviewing prominent CEOs, writing a daily syndicated column, writing a book, booking high level leaders on their podcast, and attending exclusive events.
Sapha Pardo Heckman of Your Soulfull Goddess On How to Recover From Being a People Pleaser was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.