Hope: My friends, there is no magic button I can press to bring your person to you. If you are still navigating this complicated modern world to find love, I see you! Hold onto that hope that the right person will find you. That the right person will know how to hold your heart with tenderness and care. They are out there. Whenever a relationship hasn’t worked out for me, I just tell myself “rejection is just a redirection.’ It’s the universes way of getting you back on the right path. Maintain that hope. It’s what will give you the strength to keep moving forward, when it feels like you’re ‘falling behind’.
In today’s fast-paced and interconnected world, finding and maintaining meaningful romantic relationships can be a daunting task. From navigating dating apps to managing expectations in a digital age, there are numerous challenges individuals face in their quest for love. Through this series, we would like to explore the complexities of modern dating and relationships, offering insights, advice, and strategies for navigating the often confusing landscape of love in the 21st century. In this series, we are talking to experts in psychology, relationship coaching, sociology, matchmaking, and individuals with personal experiences navigating the modern dating scene, to share their knowledge, perspectives, and stories. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Andrea Lynett.
Andrea Lynett is a Mindset and Transformational Coach for high-achieving women going through mid-life transitions in their careers and relationships. She teaches them how to own their worth and magnetize all they desire. She’s a journalist, producer, ICF accredited coach, Human Design reader, as well as a breathwork and meditation teacher.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
I grew up in a middle-class home just outside of Toronto. I am an only child, have a big-extended family and up until the age of nine, my life was pretty idyllic. I had the dog, all the toys a kid could want, I was in all the extra-curricular activities and had two loving parents. I didn’t lack for anything.
But my perfect little life was blown up when my parents suddenly announced that they were getting a divorce. Within a few weeks, my mom and I went from living the suburban life, to moving in with my grandma in the city. Far away from everything I had known. I had to start a new school within weeks of moving, make new friends, and adjust to a new living environment. Nothing was familiar and nothing was ever truly the same.
That was a pivotal moment for me as a child and it affected how I saw the world. I learned that nothing was guaranteed, and that love wasn’t the only thing you needed to make a relationship last. I spent a lot of my childhood and teen years getting comfortable with change, as I bounced around from school to school and households. I maintained my over-achiever badge of honour, running athletic programs in high school and various volunteer groups, captaining whatever sports team I could get on, and achieving straight A’s, so as not to disappoint. No-one ever put pressure on me to succeed, but that was just the way I coped. I became the type-a, over-achiever who never did anything ‘wrong.’
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
I have lived many lives when it comes to my professional career. I’ve been a journalist, human rights reporter, communications professional with the Olympics and independent producer, before finding my passion as a Mindset Coach. I primarily work with high-achieving women to help them master their mindset, own their worth and create a life of their dreams. A lot of my coaching work revolves around teaching my clients how to stand in their worth in their careers and relationships, step into the leader they know they are meant to be and call in alignment in all facets of their lives. Both personally and professionally.
I ended up in this line of work when I hit burnout at 30. Crazy when I look back at it now, but I was just making stride in my career when I realized that it wasn’t what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I didn’t want my boss’s job, and because I was such an over-achiever, I felt more lost, confused and angry at how I got to that point in my life.
Although my personal development journey started many years before (my mom was big into the ‘work’), I finally got serious and started exploring what I truly wanted to do with my life. I figured out what I valued, what impact I wanted to have and how I wanted to show up in the world. That’s what led me down the coaching path and personal development space. I also became a breath worker and meditation teacher.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
Empathy for myself. Recognizing that I didn’t know what I didn’t know. Because of that, I’ve learned to be more gentle when I’m experiencing a big change in my life and not hold myself to such high-standards. We’re all human and fall off track once in a while.
A willingness to change and adapt. I learned to get really comfortable with change, and recognized that nothing stays the same forever. This started in childhood. Which in turn, gave me permission to try new things without expectation. It’s important to develop a growth mindset and understand that we can develop new skills and we won’t be perfect when we are learning something new.
And embodying a curious nature. When I felt stuck and unsure of my next ‘right’ move, I tuned into my inner guidance (intuition) and followed my curiosity. I didn’t always know where it was going to lead me, but because of it, I landed in the career that I’m in now and it’s one that I’m so passionate about.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
I’m currently focusing on my 1:1 clients within my three month program (you can find out more on my site), but I just launched a Heartbreak to Healing Workbook after personally going through a breakup at the end of last year and I know that the process I take myself through after a breakup is super healing. That’s why I wanted to share the process with others.
I’m also creating an online course. One is going to revolve around a mindset topic (can’t share it just yet) and the other is about calling in your ideal partner and learning to be more secure in your relationships. So be sure to keep an eye out for future details!
For the benefit of our readers, can you briefly tell our readers why you are an authority on the topic of dating and finding love?
Not only do I have experience working with clients over the past five years on heartbreak, dating and relationship building with themselves and others, but I also have experienced my own personal heartbreak, beginning as a child of divorce, and now as a single woman (almost 40) who continues to navigate the trials and tribulations of love in the 21st century.
Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love’. Based on your experience, what is a common root cause of the “inability to find love”?
Dating culture has made people disposable because we think there’s always someone better on the next swipe. But I don’t think that’s the true problem. I believe that the root cause isn’t really the “inability to find love”, but rather there’s a mismatch of expectations in love. We meet. We connect. There’s a spark. But it’s easy to ‘fall in love’ with someone, it’s more difficult to maintain that love long term. Many people have created this perfect partner in their minds, and they think that when they meet them, they’ll just know. But that’s a lie. We believe this because a lot of us weren’t modelled what a strong and beautiful relationship should look like as children, so we’ve created a false narrative in our minds and that’s preventing us from putting in the work.
What are some common misconceptions or myths about finding love in the modern world, and how can they be debunked?
Myth #1 — Everyone good is taken.
In order to get out of this negative headspace, we have to realize that the online platforms are simply a tool for meeting someone. It’s not the only way to find love, but we’ve kind of used them as crutch, because it’s easy to sit at home and swipe from the comfort of our couch instead of going out into the real world and putting in the effort of meeting someone in person. Not everyone ‘good’ is taken. They just may appear differently than the story you’ve created in your mind.
Myth #2 — The apps have ruined our ability to connect (no one puts in effort)
Swipe culture has 100% increased this reality. People love to hide behind their screens, with no accountability. And because many of us are used to be ghosted, or led on, our willingness to put in the effort is dwindling. But it’s important to keep in mind that just because many people don’t put in a lot of effort anymore into online dating, doesn’t mean you have to be one of them. I’ve met great people on dating apps. Sadly, it didn’t always work out. But how you behave will be mirrored back to you. So choose wisely and treat people how you want to be treated.
Myth #3 — Technology and social media has made it impossible to find love.
With all the options out there, and our ability to message just about anyone through social media, it has definitely made it difficult to find lasting love. But not impossible. I’ve had clients who met their partners through DMs, or on an online platform/app. We just have to be more discerning and take our time. My advice is to spend as little time online as possible and meet in person as quickly as possible to see if there’s a connection. You can’t feel someone’s energy through a screen.
What advice do you have for individuals who feel overwhelmed or disillusioned by the challenges of modern dating, and how can they maintain hope and optimism in their search for love?
This is something I even struggle with. But when I start to lose hope, I ask myself, what is causing me this pain? What can I change? What’s in my control? It’s important to remember that we can’t force love into existence, but we can work on becoming the best version of ourselves. So if online dating is making you miserable, it’s time to take a break and step away. Start living your life again, without focusing on the “when or how” you’re going to meet your partner. We’ve been conditioned to think that online platforms are the only way to meet someone these days, and that’s just not the case. Go try something new (take a paint class, try out a new sport, etc), join clubs that have like-minded people. The more your network and interests expand, the higher chance you have of meeting someone new who just might spark your interest. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
Let’s explore how the rise of social media and dating apps has impacted the way individuals approach and experience dating and relationships. Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use social media to find love?
Do’s:
- Be intentional with dating. Be clear on what you are looking for and what you want out of this connection.
- Set boundaries. Don’t focus all your attention on one person right away. Continue to date and explore other options. Don’t chat online for hours. Be clear on your expectations and know theirs.
- Be clear on your red flags and stick to them. Many people don’t know what they aren’t willing to tolerate, so they allow a lot of the bullshit into their lives from people they barely know. Protect your peace and your heart.
Don’t:
- Don’t spend a lot of time talking on the apps. Get out and meet in real life. You will never know if it’s a true connection if you don’t meet face to face.
- Share your phone number or address until you are completely comfortable with the person.
- Don’t let someone’s charm make you think they are interested in something long term. Getting to know someone for who they truly are takes time. So don’t rush things because of excitement and butterflies.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use dating apps to find love?
Very much the same as what I wrote above. But I’m also brutally honest, and I have learned to be super clear on what I am looking for when communicating with people on the apps — in both text and my written prompts. There’s no point in trying to be something you’re not, just to make someone like you or fall for you. This will just lead to heartache in the end.
Make sure you put a variety of photos up that showcase your personality. If you like travel, put a travel photo up. If you like concerts, show yourself at a concert. You play sports — find a sports pic. You get the point. Be as truthful and authentic as you can. This will help weed out the people who aren’t right for you.
Because I’ve done a lot of deep work figuring out what I want out of a relationship/partnership, reviewing how I showed up in past relationships and assessing why they didn’t work out, I am clear on what I want in my next relationship. I highly recommend taking time to re-evaluate your own behaviour because this will help you figure out what you will and won’t tolerate moving forward. And it will make navigating the apps that much easier. You won’t be swayed by potential.
I also no longer allow first dates to be hours on end. In the past, when I had great chemistry with partners on the first date, I’d fall into the trap of mistaking chemistry for compatibility. Only to be blindsides months down the line that we really didn’t have a lot in common. Now I highly prioritize getting to know someone by going on multiple dates before fully committing.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about looking for romance in real-life physical spaces like congregations, bars, markets, and conventions?
I think we need to stop putting so much pressure on ourselves every time we go out as a single person, thinking we’re going to meet the love of our lives. Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. But this just puts unnecessary pressure on ourselves. Instead, just approach each encounter with someone new with curiosity and a genuine desire to get to know them. People love to talk about themselves, so don’t be shy to ask questions; but steer away from making it feel like an interview. Pay attention to whether or not they are engaged and showing the same level of curiosity towards you. This is the key to building a genuine connection — regardless of where you are and what you are doing.
What are your thoughts about the challenges and opportunities that come with workplace romances?
I’m not an expert on this topic, as I’ve mostly been a freelancer in my past life and jumped around from job to job. But I can understand how workplace romances start, since we spend more than half our lives working and interacting with our co-workers. I would just advise anyone to be cautious of the power dynamics at play and just notice if that factors into your relationship dynamics. Be clear on your boundaries, and expectations so you can figure out if you are on the same page or not. This will help you maintain professionalism in the workplace and develop your connection with one another outside of those four walls. I don’t think we should have to limit ourselves on where we meet ‘our person’, but we do have to be smart and professional about it if we are pursuing a workplace romance.
Can you discuss the role of vulnerability and authenticity in forming meaningful connections and finding lasting love?
Plain and simple, if you are not willing to be vulnerable and authentic with a potential partner, then you will not be able to build a lasting connection. There is courage in vulnerability — I get it. And that’s what leads to depth of connection. And there’s a big difference between wanting a connection and knowing how to be in a relationship. Relationships take work, mutual respect and a willingness to grow with one another! You both need to be willing to show each other the good, the bad, the stuff you’re ashamed of, your fears, your deepest desires, etc. This is how we create lasting love. If you aren’t emotionally available to your partner, it just won’t last.
Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Things You Need To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love”? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.
1 . Resiliency: No doubt, you will be weeding through a lot of prospects. That’s the benefit of technology and the online dating apps. But it can also be a downfall. Many connections won’t pan out, and we need that internal resiliency in order to keep going after disappointment.
2 . Clarity of what you desire in a relationship: Since we have the beauty of choice, it’s easy to get swayed by charm when our dating life feels non-existent. But when we are clear on what we want and desire from a partnership, it becomes easier to spot the liars and people that don’t want similar things to us.
3 . An understanding of attachment theory: When a relationship doesn’t work out, it’s important to keep in mind that both parties played a part. And often, it’s because we didn’t understand our partner and or we didn’t understand ourselves. By understanding the different attachment styles and knowing how you show up in relationships, you can figure out your own triggers and uncover your own behaviours that might be contributing to relationships not working out.
4 . You need discernment: This is your ability to carefully judge what’s right in front of you. Don’t hope that someone is going to magically show up differently later on. Believe their actions the first time. Make sure that they are a person of integrity. Their actions and words must align. It’s easy to be swept off our feet by the wrong person, just because we desire to be loved and seen. That’s why having discernment is so key as we navigate this changing and complicated world of dating. It’s important to protect our hearts.
5 . Hope: My friends, there is no magic button I can press to bring your person to you. If you are still navigating this complicated modern world to find love, I see you! Hold onto that hope that the right person will find you. That the right person will know how to hold your heart with tenderness and care. They are out there. Whenever a relationship hasn’t worked out for me, I just tell myself “rejection is just a redirection.’ It’s the universes way of getting you back on the right path. Maintain that hope. It’s what will give you the strength to keep moving forward, when it feels like you’re ‘falling behind’.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?
- I absolutely love Jillian Turecki’s podcast on Love and Mark Groves, who just released a book on love. Both of them are experts in their own right, and have navigated the trials of love throughout their lives.
- I also loved the books “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller and “How to be the love you seek” by Dr. Nicole LePera
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
How can our readers further follow your work online?
They can find me at andrealynett.com, or follow me on Instagram @Alynett (Mindset and Performance Coach) and Pinterest — same thing.
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
Andrea Lynett On How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.