Life Balance — if you obsess about work and career, then how will you carve out enough space for someone to get to know and love you? Creating a healthy relationship takes time, but it’s the most rewarding time you can spend. No one sits on their deathbed thinking about their work, they want to be gathered around by family and loved ones sharing memories of time spent together.
In today’s fast-paced and interconnected world, finding and maintaining meaningful romantic relationships can be a daunting task. From navigating dating apps to managing expectations in a digital age, there are numerous challenges individuals face in their quest for love. Through this series, we would like to explore the complexities of modern dating and relationships, offering insights, advice, and strategies for navigating the often confusing landscape of love in the 21st century. In this series, we are talking to experts in psychology, relationship coaching, sociology, matchmaking, and individuals with personal experiences navigating the modern dating scene, to share their knowledge, perspectives, and stories. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Chris Gillis.
Chris is a seasoned dating coach based in Los Angeles who offers expert guidance in tackling the complexities of modern dating. His expertise encompasses a broad spectrum of challenges, including mastering the nuances of app-based dating, empowering clients to recover from breakups and divorces, and fostering self-love. Chris’s approach is centered on helping individuals not only embrace their unique qualities but also effectively present themselves to attract their ideal partners.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
Sure thing. I grew up surrounded by mainly women. My mom had me as a teenager so my grandma stepped in and was a major influence in my life. I had both the wild child of a young, super fun, energetic mom and the old soul of my grandmother bred into me. Since I was raised by a young single mother and my grandmother, I got a lot of insight into how women communicate and witnessed relationship struggles throughout both my immediate and extended family. Although we were a very outwardly loving family, everyone in the entire extended family had gone through divorce and never seemed to quite figure out how to create healthy and happy relationships. And I suspect my desire to be seen and cared for as a kid by a very young and socially busy mother led me to have a deep yearning for creating connections. And sure enough, I blindly followed the same family blueprint of relationships and, like my relatives, I was able to get in many relationships, but they were all unhealthy. Because I was still — relationship-wise — very unhealthy. So after about 30 years of groundhog’s day dating, I decided to change it, hell or highwater.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
I am a men’s dating coach and my niche is helping the ‘good guys’ who get passed up and overlooked. The same ‘good guys’ who women are always exasperatingly asking’ where are all the good men at?’
I found myself on this unusual career path because I am an odd combo of a fun/old soul with a strong connection to feminine energy, so I never cleanly fit into any category and a lot of people and women didn’t quite know what to make of me. I was raised with a strange amount of self confidence and yet low self worth, which as you can imagine created a lot of inner conflict. And let’s not forget my intense need for human connection. So after shooting myself in the foot for well over 30 years, I finally decided enough is enough and I would read every book related to psychology and relationships, go to therapy, listen to hours of podcasts a day, philosophically discuss relationships with anyone in my vicinity, and attend all the personal growth programs and workshops I possibly could to change my story and get out of my own way to create the loving, healthy relationships I so dearly wanted. Of course, I first fell in love with myself along the way, which was the foundation of it all. Like I said, I’m a hybrid cool guy/geek, so after learning some fascinating new insight, I would share it with my friends who were struggling with dating and try what I learned both in my life and theirs. And it worked! I kept stacking each thing that worked on top of one another until it became second nature and I just became ‘the guy’ to ask for dating advice.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
Confidence to repeatedly fail knowing that it didn’t make me a failure:
I’ve always been drawn to people who are extremely talented at some particular area or field in life. And I am quite competitive. Even as a kid I would compare myself and strive to be able to hang with all of my friends at each of their natural talents, be it running, math, basketball, spelling bee’s, you name it. By competing (whether they knew it or not) with them, they beat damn near every time. Despite all the losses I took (which frustrated me like crazy), I got better with all the failures and in the end they unknowingly lifted me up to be the best version of myself.
Hard Work:
When I would take all the Losses and come home with my head hanging low and complain to my grandma, she always told me that real life doesn’t reward raw talent and instead feeds the person with drive, ambition, and hard, hard work. She instilled into me that I could overcome the setbacks and frustrations of not being a ‘natural’ like my friends were with their gifts, with consistent hard work. I eventually bought into her mindset and I’m glad I did because relationships are work. No way around it. But if you learn to love the work, well, then that’s all that matters and eventually you’ll figure it out.
Charisma:
One of the best gifts my mother gave me by being so young and unprepared to leave her youth to embrace motherhood was her charisma. She could walk into a room and change the energy without saying a word. Her smile was contagious and when she spoke her flair for dramatics always made her the most interesting, best storyteller in the room. I learned at a young age to incorporate that skill with the skill she needed most desperately at that point in her life: to have someone fully listen and validate her. So thanks to her, and to fulfill my need to gain her attention, I mastered the art of active listening. The kind of listening where someone makes you feel like you’re the only person that exists. I remember accidentally getting so good at it that in fifth grade, I couldn’t even look at my teacher because she would lock in on me and ignore the entire class while teaching us. It was awkward, but I realized how powerful of a gift it is to make someone feel truly ‘seen’.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
I’m working dozens of different things at the moment. The biggest is that — and I know this sounds crazy — I hope to change the world by helping increase the loving vibrational frequency through helping good men date and fall in love with great women. It saddens me to meet so many amazing, kind, single people who have given up on finding love because in the end, all the losses just hurt too much for them to go and push forward. I want to change that and because I know that our energies (moods) influence everyone around us, I believe that by increasing the number of happy hearts, I can collectively make the planet a happier more living place to live.
For the benefit of our readers, can you briefly tell our readers why you are an authority on the topic of dating and finding love?
They say that someone becomes an expert when they’ve spent 10,000 hours doing it. I’ve been doing it — sometimes incorrectly, sometimes correctly, for my entire life. I’m so blessed that I get to do what I am naturally passionate about. Even before becoming a professional dating coach, I spent all my time reading books on the different aspects of relationships. I believe that the purpose of life is to love someone and to be loved in return. And because of that yearning, and maybe a touch of my OCD personality to find the elusive always moving truth, I have always been the authority on dating and love. From recording hundreds of hours of podcasts to chatting about it with a group of strangers until the sun comes and the wine runs out, it’s what I do. It’s what I love.
Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love’. Based on your experience, what is a common root cause of the “inability to find love”?
Lack of worthiness. Far too many good men have given up after being rejected. Rejection hurts. And talking about pain and hurt is not something that men normally like to discuss; it’s far easier and relatable to redirect our pain through anger and something adjacent that is socially acceptable. Getting back up takes grit and a strong self-belief that we don’t’ belong stuck on the ground. But more and more men are pulling out their camping pads and settling in on the hard, bumpy surfaces.
To find love a person has to have a burning DESIRE to the point that nothing can stop them. But first and foremost that person must believe that they are worth being loved fully as they are. Not a lot of people currently believe that, and that hurts.
What are some common misconceptions or myths about finding love in the modern world, and how can they be debunked?
I don’t believe in love at first sight. Even with men — we usually choose with our eyes — looks wear off fast like the ‘new car’ smell after driving off the lot. I also don’t believe in soul mates — meaning that we only have one true partner. Lust is instantaneous but true love takes time — years and years. And I also definitely don’t buy into the modern day idea of ‘settling’ where women believe they would be ‘settling’ if they didn’t marry a man with certain physical characteristics like being over 6 foot or some other inherited gift like family wealth.
What advice do you have for individuals who feel overwhelmed or disillusioned by the challenges of modern dating, and how can they maintain hope and optimism in their search for love?
Don’t give up. You’ve tried what you’ve tried and it didn’t work. That doesn’t mean it’s not possible, it just means you can now confidently cross those things you did off the list of things that work, and try something new. Dating is more complicated than ever. If you don’t have the time or desire to continue to blindly test out new ideas on how to succeed, find a professional coach to help. A good coach can gas up your esteem and make you feel like a million bucks on days when you are feeling down, and also motivate you to fully commit to the changes you know you’ve been putting off because they seem too ‘hard’. Also, be careful about who you surround yourself and discuss your dating challenges with. Chances are that your friends — although well meaning — are not the best sources to ask for ways that will potentially have you spend a lot less time with them as you leave them to pursue a new, happy relationship.
Let’s explore how the rise of social media and dating apps has impacted the way individuals approach and experience dating and relationships. Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use social media to find love?
Think of it like a bowl of ice cream. Use it sparingly as a reward, but not as your main sustenance to health. How long would you spend picking at a bowl of ice cream after a hard day?… maybe 20 minutes tops. Do the same with the dating apps. They are a type of social media whose main purpose is to suck your attention from real life. Apps are B.S. and don’t represent what people are truly like. You can’t sum a person up with pithy sayings about tacos or a cool surfing pic. Use the apps sparingly for intel purposes only to pull information that could be helpful that you can apply in real life. Example: maybe you notice everyone is talking about a particular artist that you know nothing about. Well, now you do and you can Wikipedia who the heck artist XYZ is and the next time you meet an interesting person you can bring up that artist who you just learned about.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use dating apps to find love?
Don’t take it too seriously and spend/waste more than 20 min of time a day on it.
Don’t take it personally when people ghost you. That’s 100% going to happen and is the price of admission.
Don’t post mirror selfies or shirtless photos unless you are doing something that normally requires shirtlessness like wakeboarding.
Do have a friend of the opposite sex edit and help you build your profile.
Do hire a photographer for great photos.
Do be honest and stand out by leaning into your quirks / things that make you unique. There is a puzzle for every piece and a pot for every lid.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about looking for romance in real-life physical spaces like congregations, bars, markets, and conventions?
Absolutely. Be friendly and make friends with everyone — not just the hottie you’ve had your eyes on. Make people feel good with compliments and asking how they are doing while giving them your full attention.
The more you practice approaching people, the more you will realize that people want to be SEEN and interacted with. Give them your time and attention. When you see them in a positive light, they will see you back positively.
What are your thoughts about the challenges and opportunities that come with workplace romances?
Risky. Usually not worth the cost of admission. Yeah, it’s convenient, but it could also mean that you haven’t really put yourself out there yet and are taking the easy way out. I know, it hurts hearing that. And if it ends, which it usually does, it can be disastrous to your career. The juice just isn’t worth the squeeze.
Can you discuss the role of vulnerability and authenticity in forming meaningful connections and finding lasting love?
The V-word, vulnerability, used to drive me insane. It still does with many men, and I can understand why. We are not raised to be vulnerable. And when we are it usually ends up hurting us at sound point. But that is the exact point of vulnerability — it requires the strength to know that we may get knocked down and hurt. And in order to be vulnerable repeatedly, we first need to have the unwavering belief in ourselves that we will be ok even when someone hurts us and doesn’t give us what we ask for. To do this bravely, we must first know that we fully trust ourselves to pick ourselves back up.
Vulnerability is not a first date expression. So no worries if the V-word is still new and scary. It comes with time and trust.
Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Things You Need To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love”? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.
1 . Healthy social life — real life (not online) time spent with people you care about and how care about you
2 . Hope — the belief that what you want exists and is possible
3 . Self-awareness — an honest understanding of how outsiders perceive you
4 . Passions and hobbies — adding a person to an unhappy life will not make you happy. Be sure to create a life you already love and are passionate about, and then invite in that special someone.
5 . Life Balance — if you obsess about work and career, then how will you carve out enough space for someone to get to know and love you? Creating a healthy relationship takes time, but it’s the most rewarding time you can spend. No one sits on their deathbed thinking about their work, they want to be gathered around by family and loved ones sharing memories of time spent together.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?
Thousands! Where do I begin? It really depends what specific relationship challenges you are wanting to over come. I read so many books that I will sometimes pick up a book and it takes me a couple chapters to realized I’ve already read it. But some books I come back to:
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/76334.A_New_Earth
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/4865.How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influence_People
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/55384168-no-bad-parts
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/49245.His_Needs_Her_Needs
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/849380.The_Seven_Principles_for_Making_Marriage_Work
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/15014.Crucial_Conversations
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1274.Men_Are_from_Mars_Women_Are_from_Venus
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/9547888-attached
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/37570546-maybe-you-should-talk-to-someone
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/37588679-eight-dates
Podcast: I’m currently listening to a lot of Mel Robbins
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I would start a movement where everyone simply smiles at the people they pass by. It’s amazing how contagious a smile or a compliment can be in starting a chain reaction of positivity and love. Give it a shot: I challenge you to test out smiling at the people you can’t touch, and for the people close enough to you who can hear you, give them a compliment. Doesn’t matter what it is. Watch how it lights them up and changes the way they interact with the people around them.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
Follow me on Instagram at both @consultantchris and @datingconsultantchris and I have a website ConsultantChris.com
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
Dating Coach Chris Gillis On How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.