Take time to know yourself. Only you can steer that ship. Read the books, engage in support groups with kindreds, and perhaps consider speaking with a therapist to align your thoughts. When we know ourselves, what makes us tick, and how to avoid that, we can better stand in our light. We are better able to take ownership of how we function. Since I started leading with “this is who I am and how I function,” I have been shocked at the understanding and opportunities that come with it. We often hold ourselves back because we’re scared to do the inner work. However, we cannot expect others to understand us if we do not understand ourselves.
As a part of our series about How To Survive And Thrive As A Highly Sensitive Person, I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Jeanne Retief.
Dr. Jeanne Retief, an expert in international human rights, was diagnosed with Panic Disorder in 2015. She had to make difficult decisions about her future and view on mental health after experiencing a Breaking of mind and soul. Being an HSP, and still struggling to find equilibrium in her diagnosis, she founded The Anxious Calm Academy for others like her who seek to peacefully coexist with their anxiety.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Can you tell our readers a little bit about yourself and what you do professionally?
My story starts as a lawyer and human rights expert consulting in developing countries for over 15 years. Due to severely mismanaging my childhood traumas and not recognizing my sensitive wiring, I experienced a crisis of soul and mind in 2015. I was diagnosed with panic disorder and forced to make difficult decisions about my hopes and dreams. FIGGI Beauty (my skincare line) and The Anxious Calm Academy were born from the ashes of my Breaking. Now, knowing that I am an HSP, understanding what that entails, and equipped with better tools to manage my diagnosis, I can share and hold space for others like me. Who, like me, are not seeking miracle cures and quick fixes but rather how to peacefully coexist with their anxiety and sensitive wiring.
Thank you for your bravery and strength in being so open with us. I understand how hard this is. Can you help define for our readers what is meant by a Highly Sensitive Person? Does it simply mean that feelings are easily hurt or offended?
It’s important to clarify that you can be an HSP without having an anxiety disorder. In this, my situation is unique, and it’s vital to recognize that your mental healthcare provider must properly diagnose an anxiety disorder. On the other hand, High Sensitivity is not diagnosable, and there is no formal test for it. However, the expert on HSPs, Dr. Elaine Aaron, has a well-researched and much-referenced checklist you can refer to if you are wondering whether you fit into the HSP family. The Sensitivity Doctors Podcast which I co-host with Dr. Amelia Kelley also offers an entire episode on understanding what an HSP is.
High sensitivity is a form of neurodiversity, meaning that, for some reason, we are just “wired” differently, and our brains work in a different manner than considered typical or normal. We are deeply affected by certain social, physical, and emotional stimuli. Our intuitive nature makes it difficult to distance ourselves from others’ emotions, feelings, and moods. We become profoundly distressed by this when others in the conversation won’t consider anything to be out of the ordinary. Sometimes, we can be so affected by others’ moods we become physically ill from the distress this causes us. Other traits include sensitivity to loud noises, sounds, lights, and crowds. We can also be physically sensitive to things in our environment; for example, a tiny bump in our socks, which others would barely notice and find insignificant, will be a source of tremendous discomfort and irritation. So many levels and elements contribute to what defines an HSP, and it would be impossible to identify them all here, which is probably why Dr. Aaron has many books on this topic.
Does a Highly Sensitive Person have a higher degree of empathy towards others?
We tend to, but this is not to say others that are non-HSP cannot have high degrees of empathy. The unique element here is how deeply we are affected by the empathy we feel. Where a non-HSP may recognize and feel empathy within normal levels, an HSP will be emotionally overwhelmed by it. It’s challenging for us to separate ourselves from it. We internalize it, feel deeply what the other person is going through, and often become consumed by it. We take it on as if it were our own.
Is a Highly Sensitive Person offended by hurtful remarks made about other people?
Deep intuition is a character trait of HSPs. Due to this, we tend to internalize remarks, even if they are about a third party. Especially if we have a deep connection with the person. Note how I purposely don’t say we “take it more personally” here. That would be inaccurate, in my view. Instead, we feel the emotion this remark would invoke in the third party so intensely that we can deeply relate to the hurt it could cause. We cannot forget these remarks and move on. We will intensely ponder on every element of the remark, often struggling to understand how and why someone could make such a hurtful remark.
Does a Highly Sensitive Person have greater difficulty with certain parts of popular culture, entertainment or news, that depict emotional or physical pain? Can you explain or give a story?
Yes. Violent television shows, loud music, and flashing lights cause us a lot of distress. It seems so strange to talk about this now, with my former life being in the human rights arena. I took on a lot of emotionally challenging projects that were draining on my HSP soul. On the other hand, this could also be why I was so good at it and loved it so dearly. I could understand the emotional and physical pain better than others because I could so deeply connect with it. I still avoid what I would classify as dark televisions shows, violence, loud noises or documentaries depicting intense suffering. I cannot put it out of my mind, it deeply affects me. I watched a documentary about a year ago that I still remember the words to, the emotions I felt, the expression on the woman’s face. I am still deeply disturbed by it.
Can you please share a story about how your highly sensitive nature created problems at work or socially?
Before I understood what an HSP was, and also before my mental health diagnosis, I had a lot of difficulty fitting in socially. I often heard the words, “You’re so sensitive; you take things too personally, or you need to find better ways to cope with stress.”
Being an HSP, I obsessed over these comments and thought there was something deeply flawed within me. I believed I was the problem and unsuitable for certain social environments or challenging projects. I deprived myself of many opportunities because of this.
In social situations, I was “overreactive” or “too nervous.” I quickly learned that my own company was the best company. I sought out career opportunities that allowed me to work remotely, alone, or in silent spaces. Later, I would learn all about the gifts that came with this, but in those moments, I struggled to find my place in the world.
I remember a particular interview when I was entering the legal profession. I just graduated and sought placement as a candidate attorney for my clerkship years. I interviewed at a top family law practice and was deeply passionate about working in this field. My passion, driven by my own upbringing and abuse history, heavily informed this decision. When asked why I wanted the job, I passionately explained how I wanted to help make the process easier for the children involved and shared a little of my story. My response evoked a round of dismissive laughter from the panel. They told me I was just another young blonde seeking to save the world and was too sensitive to survive in practice. I was so humiliated, defeated, and demotivated. I’m sure my eyes filled while I was still sitting there. The silver lining? I built my own human rights consultancy from the ground up, which became a globally respected endeavor with projects worldwide, leading me to a key speaking opportunity in front of the panelists who were part of my initial interview.
When did you suspect that your level of sensitivity was above the societal norm? How did you come to see yourself as “too sensitive”?
My first memory is of me crying in the bathroom, splashing my face with water, and trying to understand why I was so strange. When I asked about childhood memories, I was told what a stressed baby I was. My tiny hands were always in fists, and I was always highly strung. I would often be referred to as “such a sensitive child.”
I always knew I was different and was told I was different. I was often chastised for “crying again,” but I found it so difficult to deal with intense emotions around the house. Especially when thick atmospheres arose, and fighting was at the order of the day. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt profoundly flawed and genuinely believed I was broken or “wrong.” I only learned about HSPs in my late twenties. This made for a lifetime of second-guessing myself and many nights spent alone crying and wondering why I couldn’t just be normal. It’s also important to say here that I later learned I was probably also battling an undiagnosed anxiety disorder, which significantly contributed to my distress.
I’m sure that being Highly Sensitive also gives you certain advantages. Can you tell us a few advantages that Highly Sensitive people have?
Ah, the beauty in recognizing the gifts that come with sensitivity. There are so many; we just need to lean into them and allow them to sit at our table. In a work setting, this makes me a unique team leader. My sensitivity to others’ emotions enables me to assess team members deeply. I can honestly see, understand, and appreciate the unique gifts they bring to the team. I know how to communicate intuitively with different people with other talents, temperaments, and goals. Since I can see this and effectively assess it in a vacuum, I can bring together high-performing teams constructed of individuals many would never think to put together. My innate sense of diplomacy makes me an excellent mediator and negotiator in tense situations, significantly contributing to my human rights success. I deeply understand the suffering because I can see more deeply than others. I can intricately assess the advantages of projects and the people connected to them, which makes me an excellent judge of character.
I also know how to speak to the soul because I feel so deeply connected to what others are struggling with. This is why the Anxious Calm Academy is a blessing in the anxiety space and why my skincare line is so loved. Because I can understand the difficulties others face and speak to them from a human perspective with authenticity and genuine feeling. We all need a little love and understanding in this world. We all need to learn how to use our gifts. This, I know to be true. Because when the Soul rests — the Heart opens. Sensitives have a unique ability to hold this space for others.
Can you share a story from your own life where your great sensitivity was actually an advantage?
As a parent, I always hope my child will include me in big life decisions, confide in me if there is a challenge at school, or share her joyful moments with me. My sensitivity has made me a very intuitive parent. I can sense when things are off, something is not quite right, or there is an underlying emotion she doesn’t know how to express. I love how natural it feels to me to teach her about her feelings, owning them, and taking responsibility for them. We can make profound connections as HSPs; what better relationship to thrive on a deep connection than that of mother and daughter.
There seems to be no harm in being overly empathetic. What’s the line drawn between being empathetic and being Highly Sensitive?
The difference is in the depth of the emotion you internalize and make your own. HSPs find it difficult to separate themselves from the emotion. They aren’t just affected or upset by it but become consumed. They take it on as if it’s their own. I’ll give you an example from my own life. A lady in one of my mentor sessions was so profoundly lost and unhappy. She was lost in her career, lost in her path, dealing with a lot of trauma, and was really going through a Breaking of mind, soul, and body. While many would be able to understand and, to some extent, share her feelings — I was overwhelmed by it. I spent hours with her in these sessions just listening, internalizing the hurt flowing from her pain. I went home and felt physically ill. I couldn’t stop thinking about her and had digestive upsets, headaches, and felt drained. I would continue to have moments of “zoning out” as I became lost in thoughts about her suffering and how deeply it must hurt to be in this space. I gave my everything to this situation to the exclusion of other things around me because I just could not let go. I am happy to report that I saw her a year later and hardly recognized her. She was GLOWING; she was so beautiful. Standing in her own light, owning her own power. It was such a magnificent transformation!
Social Media can often be casually callous. How does Social Media affect a Highly Sensitive Person? How can a Highly Sensitive Person utilize the benefits of social media without being pulled down by it?
We really do need to be careful of what we consume, and how much of it we consume. This can affect us, and we should always be aware of our limitations. This is not a bad thing, we all have limits we should not cross and know when we are reaching the danger zone is very important to our overall wellbeing. I personally stay up to date with the news but consume it in small servings throughout the week. I also choose my social media platforms wisely, choosing not to engage on platforms that are perhaps more prone to “casual callousness.” I am careful about who I follow, what hashtags I follow, and I am quick to make definite decisions about unfollowing something that upsets me.
How would you respond if something you hear or see bothers or effects you, but others comment that you are being petty or that it is minor?
Before I understood my gifts, I would have gone silent, melted into myself, and kept quiet. I would have offered an apology, too. Even if it wasn’t warranted. Now that I better understand my strengths, I can be more assertive. Granted, our definitions of assertiveness may be completely different. My first response is always, without fail, in kindness. No matter how upsetting the remark is. An example of my response would be: “I can see how you may see it as such, but I feel deeply about this. This may not be how you see it, but it’s important to me that you try to see it from my perspective, too. Can you help me understand why this is minor to you? This may help regulate my emotions around it as well.” I have also learned that I don’t have to internalize the comment if this approach doesn’t work. I remind myself that I see things from a different angle, often a deeper perspective, and I cannot judge others for the strengths they may not possess because they bring different gifts to the table than I do. A week from now, they may stand up for me in a situation that requires more authority than I can grant, and I will be grateful when their strengths fill in a space where I may not shine as brightly. I also try to remember that, unfortunately, the world is not always filled with good intentions, and if I recognize it as such, I do the work to ensure this energy does not resonate with me or stick to my being. Because it is not of me. We also don’t always understand what’s going on underneath the surface that may lead to a callous or hurtful comment being made, and judging too harshly won’t serve anyone.
What strategies do you use to overcome the perception that others may have of you as overly sensitive without changing your caring and empathetic nature?
I surrendered to it and stopped fighting it. I realize now that this is nothing to be ashamed of, to apologize for or explain away. So, my strategy? Just be honest. I introduce myself as “Dr. Jeanne an over-achiever and HSP with panic disorder.” I get it out of the way immediately, take ownership of it proudly and launch into my strengths. I do want to add here that I also try not to use it as a crux for encouraging others to treat me differently or “softer.” I claim it as a factual statement and continue with the business at hand. This is who I am, this is how I’m wired, and that’s Okay. Now, let me tell you what I’m capable of…
What are the “myths” that you would like to dispel about being a Highly Sensitive Person? Can you explain what you mean?
That you can’t handle stress or that you are not as well equipped as others to handle high-pressure situations. This is simply not true. Sure, I may be a little more nervous than someone else, but the work will be done perfectly, every detail will be seen to, the team will be effective and efficient, and the outcome will be a success. Being sensitive doesn’t naturally make you incompatible with stress. This was only true for me when I was still unaware of my wiring. Therefore, I could not work on understanding it, understanding my limitations, and understanding what I am good at and what I should delegate. However, this is true of anyone not doing the work to better understand themselves and their gifts and we should not be roped into a special category because there is a “name” or “label” to how we function.
As you know, one of the challenges of being a Highly Sensitive Person is the harmful, and dismissive sentiment of “why can’t you just stop being so sensitive?” What do you think needs to be done to make it apparent that it just doesn’t work that way?
I don’t think there is anything that should be done. The world is stressed enough. Everyone is under pressure and every person is dealing with something. We cannot expect the world to stop and others to automatically pave the way for us. These comments arise because people don’t understand our wiring. They don’t understand it because we don’t take the time to understand it ourselves. We need to stop hiding in the shadows and proudly take ownership of how we are wired, but with this comes responsibility on our side as well. We need to commit the energy and effort to understanding our own uniqueness. What sets us off? What overwhelms us? Why? How do we best cope with this? What road markers and boundaries do we set to function at our peak levels while still being kind to ourselves and shining in our gifts? What are our limitations, and how do we recognize them? When we understand ourselves better, we can better communicate our strengths to others, and they understand us better. When this happens, a natural full circle occurs. This has been my journey. This is not to say that some hurtful comments still slip through the cracks, but in my experience, this is often from individuals that would not be a good fit for me and whom I would not consider working with or allowing in my social circle. Therefore, it is not of me and does not disturb my peace of mind.
Can you share with us your “5 Things You Need To Know To Survive And Thrive As A Highly Sensitive Person?
1. Take time to know yourself. Only you can steer that ship. Read the books, engage in support groups with kindreds, and perhaps consider speaking with a therapist to align your thoughts. When we know ourselves, what makes us tick, and how to avoid that, we can better stand in our light. We are better able to take ownership of how we function. Since I started leading with “this is who I am and how I function,” I have been shocked at the understanding and opportunities that come with it. We often hold ourselves back because we’re scared to do the inner work. However, we cannot expect others to understand us if we do not understand ourselves.
2. Never dismiss your sensitivity. It always speaks to you, sends you messages, and shows you the way. If something feels off, it probably is. Investigate, give it thought, take time, and make the right decision. This is one of the most amazing gifts that come with sensitivity — embrace it. I have a fantastic team behind me, and I recently had to decide to add another team member. I felt something off and not quite right in our combined meeting and took the time to ponder it. My top person and the prospective team member didn’t connect well. Since she has incredible instincts about people, I decided to pay attention to this and not hire the prospective member. Later, this turned out to be a great decision that was right for me on so many levels.
3. You have to be alone! We need to take time to recharge as sensitive people, and the most effective way of doing this for us is to have solo relaxation time. I don’t mean time alone to catch up on household chores, but time alone with nothing planned. We need moments like this every day. We are very easily overwhelmed, and our senses over-stimulated. This is not a choice but an absolute must. If I’ve been traveling, doing too many podcasts, or hosting too many meetings — I withdraw from the world for a time. I have to recharge my batteries to function at full speed again. I never used to do this because I just subscribed to the adage that I’m a mom, a wife, and a business owner — my attention is always needed somewhere. There is no time for alone time. I learned that I will not show up for my family if I don’t take this time for myself. I’m exhausted, irritated, overwhelmed, and easily frustrated. I don’t do my best, and I don’t give myself my best. If I take the time to care for my sensitive soul — I show up for my loved ones in a more significant way.
4. Sleep. This is so important for HSPs. We really need the eight hours to recharge. We don’t function at all when we are tired. We can’t push through and make the best of it. My anxiety disorder adds an extra step to this challenge for me since insomnia is a common symptom. My first step was to ensure my child had a good bedtime routine. If she sleeps well, I sleep well. If she goes to bed at a good time and without a fuss, I can do the same. I can even have a few minutes to meditate, reflect on the day, and drink a cup of tea. This is so important.
5. Actively look for opportunities where your unique gifts will shine. There are so many; if only we took the time to look! I have found that I am well-placed to work with very diverse teams because I am diplomatic and can help everyone work as one. I am also a good mediator, negotiator, and problem-solver. For you, these gifts may be different; the important thing is to embrace them.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good for the greatest number of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger.
There is no secret to happiness. Life always happens.
The biggest struggle in my healing journey was the confusing self-help advice. It’s so overwhelming, and it seems every guru has a different angle to the miracle cure or the golden ticket to an easy life. The worst for me was the message that they were where I was; they did the work and never had a panic attack again. When I would ultimately relapse because that is just the way I am wired — and that’s okay, I would feel so guilty and demotivated. Because it must be my fault, right? I did something wrong. I didn’t walk the path.
I’ve come to find this is simply not true. I don’t need to be cured. I need others who understand me. I need to stand in my own light, take ownership of my wiring, and peacefully coexist with my anxious and sensitive nature. I want to give it a seat at the table, listen to what it has to say and be in charge of the moments it’s in the driver’s seat. Sometimes, it’s okay not to be okay. We can embrace who we are without quick fixes and miracle solutions.
Blessed are those who learn to fly!
How can our readers follow you online?
@docjeanne_ (IG)
@drjeanneretief (LinkedIn)
Thank you for these fantastic insights. We greatly appreciate the time you spent on this.
Dr Jeanne Retief of The Anxious Calm On How To Survive And Thrive As A Highly Sensitive Person was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.