An Interview With Brooke Young & Yitzi Weiner
Setting healthier boundaries for people-pleasers often requires a period of overcorrection. A simple rule of thumb is to pause before saying yes to requests outside of your immediate responsibilities. Another good way to set boundaries is to allow yourself only one or two days for spontaneity. Outside of those days, stick to your goals and priorities, even if it means tolerating the feeling of being selfish. Encourage others to find solutions themselves, as this helps them become more independent.
In today’s society, the tendency to prioritize others’ needs and expectations over one’s own can lead to significant emotional and psychological challenges. In this series, we would like to explore the complex dynamics of people-pleasing behavior and its impact on individual well-being and relationships. We would like to discuss the root causes of people-pleasing behavior, its effects on personal and professional life, and practical steps for cultivating healthier relationships and self-esteem. We hope that this series can provide insights, strategies, and real-life experiences that can help individuals navigate and overcome the pitfalls of being a people pleaser. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Rheba Estante.
Before entering private practice, Rheba spent a decade in community mental health, starting with her traineeship at a County Outpatient Clinic that served a dual-diagnosis patient population. She completed graduate school while working the graveyard shift in a non-clinical role for a Veterans Service Organization. Upon graduation, Rheba began a nine-month post-master’s clinical training internship in mobile crisis response, where she learned to conduct 5150 evaluations from experienced crisis clinicians in the field alongside local law enforcement.
During the pandemic, she provided contracted clinical substance abuse counseling services and conducted mental health assessments required by the U.S. Probation and Pretrial Services System. In this role, she acted as a liaison between Federal Probation Officers and provided clinical services to formerly incarcerated pre-trial and post-conviction individuals.
Her focus is on providing a client centered, compassion focused and strengths-based multiculturally sensitive approach. She was drawn to the profession through the classic psychoanalytic writings of Adler, Bion, Jung, Reich and more contemporary work from Dr. Nancy McWilliams. Her treatment philosophy is that every individual is unique and deserves a wholistic personalized and supportive experience in therapy.
Rheba graduated from Golden Gate University with a Masters in Psychology. She is a Certified Level One Solutions Focused Therapist, Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP) Level 2, Certified Grief Informed Professional (CGP), Certified Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP) and Certified CBT Clinician (CBT-C). Additional specialized training in Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) for OCD, Habit Reversal Training (HRT) for Repetitive Body Focused Behaviors (Trichotillomania, Excoriation Disorder). She is an EMDR trained clinician and completed basic training in the Flash Technique for PTSD and C-PTSD treatment. In Fall 2024, she begins the Supervision Study Program at CIP Marin.
She is a Clinical Fellow of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT). Her practice has a special concentration on PTSD, OCD, neurodivergent issues and supporting gifted learners. Other treatment areas of focus are managing life transitions, women’s mental health issues around shifting roles in family and career, and immigration/re-entry acculturation.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
Born in Asia during a time of martial law, my parents immigrated to Canada when I was a toddler. Spent my childhood growing up in the Canadian Rockies, surrounded by the natural beauty of Alberta’s mountains and pristine air. Though I may not have fully appreciated it at the time, the abundance of outdoor activities — skiing, hiking, camping, and horseback riding — allowed me to enjoy the four seasons every year.
After graduating from high school, I ventured across the country to Toronto for university. At 17 years old, I found myself navigating the bustling city life, a stark contrast to the tranquil mountain town I came from. Toronto, with its proximity to the Eastern United States and its aspirations to emulate New York, proved to be an exciting adventure.
During my second year of college, I became disillusioned as an economics and international affairs major. Unable to envision a future in either field, I made the youthful decision to drop out of school at 19. What was intended to be a brief hiatus stretched into a decade-long exploration of the world beyond academia.
Seeking employment, I found an ad for a publishing company in Toronto’s business district. It was a stroke of luck, as I had always harbored a love for reading. Working in publishing connected me with a friend in advertising who invited me to an introductory presentation about the Hoffman Process.
The presentation rekindled a long-standing fascination with psychology, sparked by Dr. Jean Bolen’s book “Goddesses in Everywoman,” which blended Jungian psychoanalytic concepts with modern psychological concepts of cognitive restructuring. I realized then that I should have pursued psychology from the start, rather than choosing economics based on a misguided belief in the importance of learning skills that directly resulted in a specific job.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
The path to becoming a licensed marriage and family therapist was not straightforward. Watching colleagues being laid off after a certain age in advertising and marketing, I began to contemplate a career that valued knowledge and experience, where age was an asset. The works of Carl Jung and the field of psychology resonated with me, so I made the decision to transition from corporate communications to the study of the mind.
Once relocated to the United States, I completed my long-abandoned undergraduate degree and earned a master’s before embarking on the arduous path to licensure in California. It was a demanding endeavor that required 3,000 supervised clinical hours over six years, a time of intense learning and growth. Since acquiring my License as a Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) I have focused on the treatment of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Trichotillomania, Excoriation Disorders, Anxiety, Phobias and PTSD. I am an EMDR trained Clinician and have training in the Flash Technique along with Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).
Thank you for all that. Let’s now turn to the main focus of our discussion about People Pleasing. To make sure that we are all on the same page, let’s begin with a simple definition. What does “People Pleaser” mean to you?
A “people pleaser” is an individual who has developed a strong ego ideal based on the expectations and needs of others. From a psychoanalytic standpoint, this can be traced back to early experiences of conditional love, where the child learns to suppress their own needs and desires to maintain the affection and attention of their caregivers. As adults, people pleasers continue to prioritize others’ needs over their own, often at great personal cost. They may struggle with assertiveness and boundary-setting, fearful that expressing their own needs will lead to rejection or abandonment, a pattern that can lead to codependency and exploitation.
On the surface, it seems like being a person who wants to please others is a good thing. Can you help articulate a few of the challenges that come with being a people pleaser?
The toll of people pleasing can be significant, both mentally and in relationships. The constant suppression of one’s own needs and the relentless pursuit of external validation can lead to burnout, depression, and a pervasive sense of emptiness. People pleasers may find themselves chronically exhausted, pouring their energy into meeting others’ demands while neglecting their own self-care. In relationships, people pleasing can foster imbalance and codependency, as the individual consistently prioritizes their partner’s needs over their own, leading to resentment and a loss of individual identity.
Does being a people pleaser give you certain advantages? Can you explain?
In the short term, being a people pleaser can have advantages. These individuals may make many friends and be the person others call upon for help. They may be invited to events because they can be counted on to help set up and take down the venue. There’s a higher likelihood of being included because people have a radar for who they can call and who will say yes, and it’s often the person who never says no. However, while there are short-term advantages, underneath the pleasant behavior lies the seed of resentment that can one day lead to a big blowup between people.
Can you describe a moment in your life when you realized that your own people-pleasing behavior was more harmful than helpful?
I realized that being a people pleaser was more harmful than helpful during my foray into the self-development sphere. Participating in the Hoffman Process led me to meet like-minded souls who appreciated personal growth. One person was enthusiastic about another popular seminar called the Landmark Forum. The Landmark Forum, which was controversial in the 1970s under its original name, relies on volunteers to run their workshops and seminars. They call it “assisting” and package it as an internship-like experience. The seminars are long, often starting early and going into the night, with little sleep for those assisting. I signed up for the assisting program, thinking it would last 2–3 months. A year later, I was dedicating 10 hours a week to Landmark. It was social and provided a de facto social life, but I was exhausted. If I had had a part-time job working minimum wage for every hour I assisted, I could have had a new wardrobe. In the quest for self-improvement, I had some self-care detriments. While I don’t regret prioritizing personal growth, I realize that balance is important as I get older. We’re not designed to run on empty and make unusual commitments that run us ragged.
In your opinion, what are the common root causes of people-pleasing behavior?
Common causes of people-pleasing behavior vary, but certain factors contribute to it. Being overly praised for doing a good job or being helpful, especially for those with an agreeable disposition, can become part of a person’s identity. It conditions someone to associate being pleasant with positive responses from others. There are times when being polite isn’t the best course of action, such as when someone is harassing you and won’t leave you alone. Other negative causes of people-pleasing include neglect, being bullied, or desperately wanting friends and doing anything to be included. In some cases, people-pleasing can stem from abuse, where a person learned to survive by being an emotional temperature monitor and a soothing presence for adults who were unable to regulate themselves. While this behavior initially helped them survive, when they are no longer in that situation, the old habits remain to their detriment.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact personal relationships?
People-pleasing can impact personal relationships by leading to codependent and exploitative dynamics with needy individuals. The people-pleaser feels obligated or addicted to the praise they receive when they do things for others, leading to imbalanced interpersonal interactions.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact professional relationships?
People-pleasing can also impact professional relationships through difficulty in prioritizing. If a person says yes too many times and neglects their most important relationships, it can deteriorate their support system.
How can long-term people-pleasing behavior impact an individual’s mental health?
When a person’s mood depends on how others respond to them, it can be particularly emotionally vulnerable and feel chaotic. Trying to juggle all the commitments they’ve made can feel like they never get a break. Dealing with one’s own life is complicated enough, but when compounded with feeling responsible for other people’s lives and moods, it can feel like the weight of the world. This can affect sleep, appetite, and many other aspects of life. Self-care often gets neglected, and the lack of self-care, combined with prolonged stress, can lead to burnout, which can resemble depression and rob someone of their joy.
In your experience, what is the role of self-awareness in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies, and how can individuals cultivate it?
Self-awareness is crucial to recovering from people-pleasing, starting with identifying one’s values. A values-driven life is one where, even if things don’t work out as desired, at least it’s something a person can live with. It’s said that a values-driven life is where the seed of contentment lies. Another important area is taking inventory of who’s in your life and whether these relationships are nourishing. It’s about being willing to take a critical look at yourself and others.
Self-awareness also plays a big role in preventing disproportionate guilt and shame, which keep people-pleasing in play. People-pleasers tend to experience an excessive amount of guilt and responsibility. Their self-esteem is wrapped up in fulfilling the unrelenting and unrealistic demands of others. Being able to assess whether something is really your responsibility is crucial. Awareness of when it’s legitimate to feel guilty and when it’s legitimate to let another person have their upset is important. Sometimes, not helping a person and allowing them to face consequences is actually helping them develop their own capacity for independence. It’s important not to stand in the way of other people’s growth by doing too many things for them.
Here is the primary question of our discussion. Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Strategies Or Techniques That Can Help Individuals Break Free From The Cycle Of People-Pleasing”? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.
1. Gain confidence: Cultivate independence and avoid overly relying on others to define your identity.
2. Aim for excellence, not perfection: Practice mindful self-compassion and overcome perfectionism.
3. Understand that assertiveness is not aggression: Examine the fear of conflict and acclimate to it through exposure response prevention.
4. Examine where you have a sense of excessive guilt: Use cognitive-behavioral therapy techniques like “thoughts on trial” to discern when guilt is disproportionate.
5. Heal the past: Address trauma or family of origin issues that contribute to people-pleasing, especially if there are elements of unresolved PTSD.
What steps should people pleasers take to establish healthier boundaries?
Setting healthier boundaries for people-pleasers often requires a period of overcorrection. A simple rule of thumb is to pause before saying yes to requests outside of your immediate responsibilities. Another good way to set boundaries is to allow yourself only one or two days for spontaneity. Outside of those days, stick to your goals and priorities, even if it means tolerating the feeling of being selfish. Encourage others to find solutions themselves, as this helps them become more independent.
How can someone who is naturally empathetic maintain their compassion while becoming more assertive?
The work of Dr. Judith Orloff on managing empathy is an excellent resource for cultivating resilience against compassion fatigue for empaths.
What are the most common misconceptions about people pleasers, and how do these misconceptions affect their journey toward recovery?
One common misconception about people-pleasers is that they are inherently kind and find happiness in serving others. While there is some truth to this, there is a limit. The belief that these individuals are just benevolent figures can be far from reality. Deep inside, there may be anger, resentment, and self-attacks when they scold themselves for saying yes again. Perpetuating the idea that they don’t have a mean bone in their body can be debilitating, as it reinforces the belief that they need to earn love and respect through a symbiotic relationship with others who operate on assumptions.
What role can therapy or counseling play in helping individuals overcome people-pleasing behavior?
Therapy can be a necessary tool for those seeking to break free from the habitual patterns of people pleasing. The therapeutic relationship provides a safe and supportive space for the individual to explore the early experiences and relationships that have shaped their sense of self-worth and their patterns of relating to others. Through this process, individuals can begin to develop a stronger sense of self, learning to identify and communicate their own needs and desires. Therapy can support them in challenging the internalized beliefs that have kept them trapped in the role of people pleaser and develop new strategies for asserting boundaries and navigating relationships in a healthier, more balanced way.
For those who are struggling with people pleasing tendencies, it is important to remember that your worth is not contingent upon the approval or validation of others. You have the right to assert your own needs and desires and to set boundaries that protect your emotional and physical well-being. The journey towards a more authentic and balanced way of relating to others is not always easy, but it is a journey worth taking. It requires courage, self-reflection, and a willingness to tolerate the discomfort that may arise as you begin to confront and untangle long-held automatic ways of behaving.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
If I were an influential figure like Oprah Winfrey and could bring the best to the most people, I would love to see more horses involved in therapy. Equine-facilitated therapy has been researched for its benefits in recovery. Horses are remarkable creatures, and I’ve heard that they will not move if they sense the rider is not present. Incorporating horses in therapy and other areas of life could help people be more present and tuned into themselves, enabling them to better distinguish between their own issues and those of others
How can our readers further follow your work online?
On Instagram @ExposureTherapyDesigns
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
Rheba Estante of Open Mind Health On How to Recover From Being a People Pleaser was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.