Enjoy the process. Most people see dating as a chore and end up being quite negative about it. Remember that the negativity will feed through unconsciously and could put off potential partners. This is quite a common one actually and is linked with not dealing with the past.
In today’s fast-paced and interconnected world, finding and maintaining meaningful romantic relationships can be a daunting task. From navigating dating apps to managing expectations in a digital age, there are numerous challenges individuals face in their quest for love. Through this series, we would like to explore the complexities of modern dating and relationships, offering insights, advice, and strategies for navigating the often confusing landscape of love in the 21st century. In this series, we are talking to experts in psychology, relationship coaching, sociology, matchmaking, and individuals with personal experiences navigating the modern dating scene, to share their knowledge, perspectives, and stories. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Sophie Personne.
Sophie Personne works with men and women 45 and over, looking to find a long-lasting relationship which will be perfect for them. Sophie has been a lifelong student of human behavior and studied NLP as well as the latest cutting-edge human potential techniques. Through her dating coach enterprise Sophie has helped hundreds of clients with dating & relationships, enabling them to find their happy-ever-after.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
I grew up in the north of France, as an only child. I was very shy back then and wouldn’t say boo to a goose. My parents did push me quite hard to do well in school and as my dad was born in Germany (his father was in the French army), he believed languages were the future. As a result, I regularly went to Germany and the UK during summer holidays — working there too.
When I was younger, I either wanted to be a journalist or do something related to psychology. It didn’t quite turn out that way… I did a degree in France (‘Languages applied to Business and Law’) then when I moved to the UK when I was 21, I did ‘International Relations and Politics’ at Portsmouth University. I was working as a Security Supervisor at the International Ferry Port during my studies.
My aim was to deal with anti-terrorism because my grandad was killed in action in the Algerian War, which had a massive effect both on my dad and his siblings but also rippled through to my upbringing. I wanted to stay in the UK so couldn’t pursue that ambition as I was ‘the wrong nationality’. Therefore I stayed in what I knew, the security industry, and ended up in an operational job, managing the South East of England.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
I help both professional men and women over 45 with dating and relationship issues. This actually stems from my career in security. There were very few women in operations and I saw how personal relationships were affecting the staff and their performance. They naturally came to me so I guess I started coaching them without realising that’s what I was doing. As a result, my teams were stronger and top of the league board.
I was getting bored in the job as once everyone/ everything was settled, there wasn’t as much to do. At the same time, I had a bit of ‘mid-life crisis’ at 29 and decided to try and pay my mortgage off in 3 years. The odds were against me but I somehow achieved it. A month later, it was announced that our company had been bought out. I wasn’t keen on the new one so it felt the right time to take redundancy.
I started a Singles Events company but for various reasons that were beyond my control, had to face a lot of obstacles and hurdles. I retrained in NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) and started coaching single people who couldn’t meet their perfect partner. I was then approached by someone asking if I could help with his marriage and a bit further down the line, after a nervous breakdown, I started helping people with depression and anxiety.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
Self-Drive — Despite ill health and quite a major operation, I was speaking on stage in London a week later for a Dating Industry Conference and also at the Royal Institute. It wasn’t easy and I was in a lot of pain but there was no way I was going to pass on those opportunities.
Resilience — When I started with the events company, I was blocked from advertising on Facebook at the crucial time (end of December — which is when most people set resolutions to meet someone). I didn’t give up and tried to think outside of the box. I held ‘A Valentines Night at the Museum’ in partnership with Portsmouth City Council. I also knew when to retrain and pivot from the events to coaching. I just didn’t want to give up.
Being open to change — I think it’s important to regularly self-reflect on both the positives and the negatives. I had spent a lot of time networking and could see it wasn’t the right forum for me, so made the switch to online only in 2016/ 2017. It was thanks to that switch that the pandemic wasn’t as difficult to get through. On a personal level, I was grieving as I found my dad dead in February 2020 and had I not changed the way I did things previously, it could have been a very different story with probably not as much success.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
I am currently working on various ways I could help people past the dating journey. Relationships can fail very early because of expectations and not knowing how to communicate constructively so I’m looking to create a program around that.
I am working on growing my blog and YouTube channel too — there are times when we can’t afford the services we need and I feel this is a good way to offer free information.
I have also tried to write my second book for a while now but every time I have booked time out to do it, something out of my control has happened. I’m hoping to finally get round to it in 2025.
For the benefit of our readers, can you briefly tell our readers why you are an authority on the topic of dating and finding love?
I feel this is twofold.
First of all, because of the way I work. I am very unlike a lot of Dating & Relationship Coaches who focus on non-negotiables, what to say or text, the actual processes, etc… I focus on the past and what is holding people back from meeting their person. Emotional baggage can create unhealthy patterns and I strongly believe that the answers to the future lay in the past. Not facing up to past trauma is what keeps people trapped and unfulfilled.
With this method, I have a very good track record and from the people I am still in touch with, I am so far aware of 8 weddings, 1 baby, 7 long term relationships and 4 saved marriages.
Secondly, my first book ‘Your Other Half’ was credited in John Marrs’s novel ‘The Marriage Act’ alongside the work of Gary Chapman and John M Gottman (John Marrs’s book ‘The One’ was recently turned into a Netflix series) and one of ’15 amazing authors worth reading’ in LA Weekly (https://www.laweekly.com/discover-15-amazing-authors-worth-reading/).
Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love’. Based on your experience, what is a common root cause of the “inability to find love”?
A lot of us have been brought up with Disney movies that don’t reflect real life. Unfortunately, we seem to seek that dream story which isn’t real.
People also have a short attention span and don’t give others a chance because it’s easy to judge on just a photo, not the person in the flesh. They are quick to move on without really trying…I’m not saying you should waste your time and give everyone a chance, but just because someone doesn’t match your usual type doesn’t mean they’re not right for you. One of my clients experienced this whilst we were working together so gave the guy a go and they have been together now for nearly 6 years.
Finally, and linking to the above, the biggest issue is expectations. I often say they are at the root of why people can’t find happiness. They should be dropped and replaced with an openness to getting to know someone. Expectations make the dating process a chore where it should be enjoyed.
What are some common misconceptions or myths about finding love in the modern world, and how can they be debunked?
- ‘All the good ones are taken’ — this is a generalization that is simply not true. As per above, people need to be more open. They also should also watch their self-talk as this kind of statement can rapidly become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
- ‘I don’t want to go online/ apps’ — online dating/ apps aren’t the be all and all! Having said that, I often compare dating to looking for a job. You upload your CV on job sites, regularly check if there’s something suitable and ask people if they know of anything going. You should treat your online profile in the same way — it’s basically your CV and it’s there. Without going trawling bars and pubs, you have to be open to anyone and anywhere — supermarkets, get togethers, etc… Just be open to talking to anyone. They might end up just being a friend but they have friends too… If you have things in common with them, you’ll have things in common with their friends. Don’t be blindsided.
- ‘It’s hard and I cannot meet anyone’ — Again, that’s a mindset issue. The more you say this, the more you reassert it to yourself and as a result, it will be hard. One of the other issues with this one is how you might come across to potential suitors. Remember that yes, you want them to be a catch but if all they see in you is a long list of what you want, it’s off-putting. Make sure they know what you have to offer too!
What advice do you have for individuals who feel overwhelmed or disillusioned by the challenges of modern dating, and how can they maintain hope and optimism in their search for love?
The overwhelm and the disillusion often come from expectations — they’re likely to be too high and more often than not, unrealistic. I’m not saying the dating process isn’t an emotional rollercoaster but that’s not to say you can’t protect yourself from it.
For both genders, there is also an element of overthinking. Just because you have a first date doesn’t mean you’re moving in with them — treat it as just a coffee with a new friend and see how it goes. Also, whilst it’s important to be open, don’t waste your time with people you have little in common or struggling to make chit chat with. If it’s awkward by message, it’ll be even more awkward face to face. Be honest and say no.
In this day and age, we are the most connected we’ve ever been yet people feel more lonely than ever before and feel like there’s no opportunity. Sometimes, you have to create your own luck. You also have to review what you’re doing, like you would in your career. If whatever you’ve been doing isn’t working, change that otherwise you’re likely to get the same unsatisfying results time and time again.
Another reason behind disillusion is that when we really want something, the weight of outcome is very heavy. When we don’t care as much, we are more relaxed about what happens next. Instead of making a date/ dating a life or death matter, take it with a pinch of salt and relax. The worst that could happen is actually that you might come on too strongly. Take it slow and for what it is: spend a bit of time getting to know someone to find out if you both have what it takes to move forward and have a future together.
Let’s explore how the rise of social media and dating apps has impacted the way individuals approach and experience dating and relationships. Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use social media to find love?
Social media makes us compare ourselves to everybody else unconsciously. We need to remember that it’s just a dressed-up window to what is actually going on behind closed doors.
Dos
- It’s ok to check someone’s profile to see if you like what you see or if they are things that put you off. Just don’t become a stalker.
- It’s ok to connect with people and start talking to them but just as you wouldn’t thrust yourself upon them in real life, don’t do it virtually, it’s not attractive.
- Use single groups that organize meetings around your area.
- Be yourself, don’t go over the top or create a pretend life that doesn’t exist.
Don’ts
- Just because someone is talking to you doesn’t mean they want to marry you. Don’t overthink it…
- Don’t live your new relationship on social media — it makes things worse if it doesn’t work out.
- Certain platforms have a certain purpose — i.e. Linked In. It’s not a dating app so don’t approach people just because you feel they are a good match. It’s not the right place.
- Don’t approach people with just ‘hi’ — it’s lazy and off-putting — a bit of effort will go a long way.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use dating apps to find love?
Unfortunately, so many people make mistakes when on dating apps…
Dos
- Fill your profile properly and have relevant recent photos. People who write in their description ‘I’ll get back to this later’ aren’t doing themselves any favors — why should people contact you if they know nothing about you?
- Be positive and open. So many people have their tagline as ‘Back again! Last time I’m doing this’ — it’s not attractive.
- Be honest — if you are slightly introverted and like the simple pleasures of being at home, don’t pretend you’re into skydiving or outdoorsy. You might get dates but the relationship won’t work because you’re not into the same things. It’s ok to have different hobbies but be honest about what you enjoy.
- Be quirky and share what you have to give to a potential partner as opposed to creating a long checklist of what you want — again, it’s off-putting.
- Send a simple and caring first message — don’t start asking about superpowers or making it really long with loads of questions. Equally, don’t just say ‘hi, how are you?’. Just pay them a simple compliment about something you liked about them (not everything you liked, just one thing).
Don’ts
- Don’t be negative or over the top. The person you’re talking to isn’t your ex who hurt you, just someone trying to suss out who you are.
- Don’t pretend to be something you’re not. Be authentic.
- Don’t meet them within 2 hours — on the same token, don’t drag it on for weeks.
- Unfortunately, ‘exclusivity’ and ‘ghosting’ are 2 trends that aren’t going away. It’s ok to date a few people at the beginning to see how you’re getting on but be honest about it and make up your mind sooner rather than later — it’s not fair on all involved. Equally, treat people as you’d like to be treated — don’t ghost them, be honest if you’re not interested. If they ghost you, move on, they’re not the person for you, even if they come back with a substory 3 weeks later.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about looking for romance in real-life physical spaces like congregations, bars, markets, and conventions?
Dos
- It’s perfectly ok to start talking to someone in a supermarket for instance. Single men are fairly easy to spot with what’s in their basket — even when they can cook and don’t just rely on ready meals.
- I think that when we meet someone at a congregation or a convention, we already have things in common. Again, don’t go all out and necessarily ask for their number — adding them to social media is a softer way to keep in touch at the beginning.
- Be yourself and talk to strangers — it’s easier when it’s at an event. You will know if they’re not interested as they’ll be despondent and give you very short answers
- If you want to see someone again, just say so. Something like ‘it’d be nice to keep in touch and meet for a coffee’ is completely acceptable. Don’t play games or follow ‘rules’.
Don’ts
- Don’t harass them. Sounds obvious but you’d be amazed how hard it can be ‘to get rid of people’. There will be very obvious body language signs so listen to your gut instinct.
- If you have added each other on social media and they’re a bit slow at getting back to you most of the time, they’re probably not that much into you. Don’t keep on contacting them.
- Don’t be paranoid and over the top. Stop the overthinking.
Also remember that some relationships start as friendships. One of you may not be quite ready and that’s perfectly fine.
What are your thoughts about the challenges and opportunities that come with workplace romances?
For me, the biggest challenge with workplace romances is if it doesn’t work out. It can make it very difficult for both parties involved but also for everyone else around yo u. It’s probably best to keep it under wraps at first. Also be aware, some companies have policies around this.
In terms of opportunities, well we spend so much time at work, we’re likely to talk more and get to know people better — so a lot of workplace romances are inevitable. Just be very aware of the consequences…
Can you discuss the role of vulnerability and authenticity in forming meaningful connections and finding lasting love?
Many people are scared of being vulnerable. They feel that if they truly open up, the other person will think less of them. Vulnerability is actually very attractive and a sign of strength rather than weakness. It also allows us to make sure we are on the same page and want the same thing.
Same with authenticity — no one should change to get into a relationship unless it’s a change that was decided beforehand and for their own personal growth — not for somebody else.
I strongly believe that lasting meaningful love can only happen if both parties are authentic and vulnerable. Yes it might put some people off but that’s really not your problem, it’s theirs. It’s a sign of maturity which will serve you well in the future.
Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Things You Need To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love”? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.
1 . Deal with your past and your emotional baggage before you even start the dating process. Burying it all in a box at the back of your head won’t serve you well so it needs to be faced up to.
I had a couple of people who had anger and jealousy issues that weren’t resolved. As a result, they self-sabotaged their new relationships.
2 . Know what you want as opposed to what you don’t want. Focus on qualities, values and life vision as opposed to ‘materialistic stuff’. In the unlikely event someone was to lose their job/ status/ looks (ill health, accident, etc…), would you still enjoy their company?
Someone once came to me with the longest checklist of non-negotiables and would not compromise at first. She did finally realize that was what was keeping her stuck and attracting the wrong guys. Once she focused on the deeper stuff, she attracted someone that was perfectly suited to her.
3 . Be open-minded. A bit like the point above, give people a chance even if they are different from your normal type. One of my clients did this and she is still with the guy nearly 6 years on…
4 . Trust your gut instinct. If something tells you inside that something isn’t quite right, then listen to it. I have numerous examples of this but I will use one of my experiences. 12 years ago and whilst still in the corporate world, I went against my gut — this resulted in harassment and having to get an injunction against the guy.
5 . Enjoy the process. Most people see dating as a chore and end up being quite negative about it. Remember that the negativity will feed through unconsciously and could put off potential partners. This is quite a common one actually and is linked with not dealing with the past.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?
I’m not really an auditory person so despite having my own podcast, I don’t really listen to any.
Whilst some of the resources I’m about to share aren’t necessarily about dating and relationships, I feel they can be applied:
- The Shift — Dr Wayne Dyer (movie)
- Clean Language — Revealing Metaphors & Opening Minds — Wendy Sullivan and Judy Rees (book)
- I May Be Wrong — Bjorn Natthiko Lindeblad
- The Love Languages — Gary Chapman
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I think relationships and constructive communication, as well as active listening, should be taught in schools — it would give everyone a chance to not just wing it but to know how to handle life — not just in a romantic sense but in all aspects of life.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
Website — www.sophiepersonne.com
First Book ‘Your Other Half’ — https://amzn.eu/d/4XkvJF5
Podcast — https://www.sophiepersonne.com/podcast/
Blog — https://www.sophiepersonne.com/blog/
Facebook — https://www.facebook.com/1sophie.personne/
Instagram — https://www.instagram.com/sophie_personne/
YouTube — https://www.youtube.com/@SophiePersonne
LinkedIn — https://www.linkedin.com/in/spersonne/
Pinterest — https://uk.pinterest.com/Sophie_Personne/
X — https://x.com/SophiePersonne1
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
Sophie Personne On How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.