An Interview with Yitzi Weiner
Start by taking baby steps doing things for yourself. Begin with daily self-care such as getting enough sleep, eating right, exercise, meditation, etc. Just making sure that your basic needs are met helps reduce stress. Be preventive with your physical and mental health as well as make yourself a priority. Remember, you are used to taking care of others so it will feel awkward and uncomfortable at first.
In today’s society, the tendency to prioritize others’ needs and expectations over one’s own can lead to significant emotional and psychological challenges. In this series, we would like to explore the complex dynamics of people-pleasing behavior and its impact on individual well-being and relationships. We would like to discuss the root causes of people-pleasing behavior, its effects on personal and professional life, and practical steps for cultivating healthier relationships and self-esteem. We hope that this series can provide insights, strategies, and real-life experiences that can help individuals navigate and overcome the pitfalls of being a people pleaser. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Diane Lang.
Diane Lang holds a master’s degree in counseling and has been a college-level educator for over 20 years. She is the author of four books: Creating Balance & Finding Happiness, Baby Steps: The Path from Motherhood to Career, Mindfully Happy: Waking Up to Life and her most recent, Worthy, which explores the hidden causes of unworthiness, its deeper implications, and its connection to perfectionism and control.
As a counselor, educator, and positive living expert, Diane speaks on a wide range of mental and emotional health topics, including happiness, resilience, stress management, parenting, positive aging, and mental health challenges such as anxiety and depression in both teens and adults.
Throughout her career, she has been dedicated to helping individuals transform their lives. Diane’s goal is to empower others to cultivate a lasting positive mindset, ultimately turning them into true optimists.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
I grew up in Long Island, a suburb of NYC. It was a tough childhood from a family perspective. Knowing you aren’t wanted weighs with you and begins a cycle of feelings of unworthiness.
As I went through the K-12 process, those feelings of unworthiness became worse. I didn’t know how to like myself and in turn, assumed no one liked me, so I was constantly looking for acceptance and approval from everyone. I was constantly worrying if people liked me. I was so insecure, and everyone could see it. In my college years, I started to gain more confidence, but it wasn’t easy. The rest of my life up until now has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions and the constant struggle with unworthiness, but thankfully, all the hard work is now paying off.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
Coming from a childhood of not feeling good enough, followed by teenage years and a young adulthood of people pleasing, always looking for acceptance/approval that I never received as a child at home, led me into this career. I never want anyone to feel “unworthy.” Unworthiness shows up in our lives in various forms such as perfectionism, imposter syndrome, low self-esteem, always doubting yourself, and being stuck due to fear of never being good enough. I want to help others to reduce their fear, find their worth, love themselves, and let them know they are not alone.
Thank you for all that. Let’s now turn to the main focus of our discussion about People Pleasing. To make sure that we are all on the same page, let’s begin with a simple definition. What does “People Pleaser” mean to you?
As a recovering people pleaser, I define it as putting others above yourself in the hope that people will like you and you will gain their acceptance and approval. Unfortunately, you continue to put others first even though you are feeling stressed out, angry, bitter, and hurt because your relationships are not balanced or reciprocal. It’s a painful place to be in. It took me years to get out of the people pleasing cycle.
On the surface, it seems like being a person who wants to please others is a good thing. Can you help articulate a few of the challenges that come with being a people pleaser?
You are constantly saying ‘yes’ even though you want to say ‘no.’ You are stuck doing things you don’t want to do as well as being in relationships that are not fulfilling. It keeps you feeling unworthy. The consequences of people pleasing include stress/anxiety, not taking risks, living in fear, not being your authentic self, unfulfilling relationships, feelings of insecurity and unworthiness.
Does being a people pleaser give you certain advantages? Can you explain?
It gives a false sense of control. You feel if you act in a specific way that people will like you, accept and approve of you but acceptance and approval is an inside job, so you get stuck in the vicious cycle of people pleasing and being in insecure, unhappy and unfulfilling relationships.
Some benefits that my clients have felt in the beginning include being able to make friends easily, but after a while realizing that those friendships aren’t reciprocal or balanced. You are a kind, considerate, empathetic friend, and person. That feels good until people take advantage of it. You avoid conflict; there aren’t many fights or disagreements which at first feels good but after a while you realize you’re not being your true self and you can lose your identity.
Can you describe a moment in your life when you realized that your own people-pleasing behavior was more harmful than helpful?
In my 40’s, I started to realize how harmful it was. I wasn’t enjoying many of my relationships. I felt a lot of relationships were one way. I was feeling angry and bitter towards certain people, and it was causing me to feel angry all the time. I was afraid to end relationships fearing I wouldn’t’ make new ones or people wouldn’t like myself. It was an eye-opening moment of self-awareness. I was at rock bottom where I realized I just didn’t want to live like this anymore and started to make changes slowly. It was hard but worth it. As I slowly made the changes, I started to find my self-worth and like myself.
In your opinion, what are the common root causes of people-pleasing behavior?
It’s unworthiness.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact personal relationships?
The relationships are one-sided, unbalanced and not reciprocal. You can end up in unhealthy relationships and feel unsatisfied socially.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact professional relationships?
You are taken advantage of, and the environment becomes toxic for you.
How can long-term people-pleasing behavior impact an individual’s mental health?
Stress/anxiety, living with fear/not stepping outside your comfort zone which leads to feeling stuck, a loss of identity, lack of or no boundaries which can cause you to feel resentful, angry and bitter, as well as low self-esteem and self-worth.
In your experience, what is the role of self-awareness in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies, and how can individuals cultivate it?
Being self-aware is the first step towards change. It openly admits you are a people pleaser which can be very scary because it means change. Self-reflection is a good place to start. Write out in a journal some of the answers to these questions: Are you in satisfying and fulfilling relationships? If not, why? How do you feel in these relationships? What keeps you in these unhealthy relationships? Do you know what boundaries are? Do you set boundaries and limitations? How would your relationships have changed if you did?
Therapy is another great option.
Here is the primary question of our discussion. Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Strategies Or Techniques That Can Help Individuals Break Free From The Cycle Of People-Pleasing”? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.
1. Start by taking baby steps doing things for yourself. Begin with daily self-care such as getting enough sleep, eating right, exercise, meditation, etc. Just making sure that your basic needs are met helps reduce stress. Be preventive with your physical and mental health as well as make yourself a priority. Remember, you are used to taking care of others so it will feel awkward and uncomfortable at first.
2. Start saying ‘no.’ ‘No’ is a complete sentence so when you say it, don’t explain yourself. When I first started, I would say ‘no’ through text or email; it felt easier. I would always say thank you but ‘no.’ It made me feel better to be kind with my ‘no.’ Every time you take small steps, you feel a sense of control over your life.
3. Look for red flags moving forward so your next/new relationships are healthier. You can use the mind-body connection. Where do you hold stress on your body? When you are around this person, how do you feel? When I had unhealthy/unbalanced relationships, even getting an email/text or call from that person showed up physically. I would feel my jaw tighten, get headaches and it felt like someone was wringing a washcloth in my belly.
4. Remind yourself of what you want in your next relationships/friendships such as reciprocity. Are your friendships balanced, a mix of give and take? Do they ask you how you are?
5. Set boundaries and limitations that are healthy for you. Identify what is important to you, what your time is worth. Time is one thing we can never get back once it’s given away. Be aware that self-care is not being selfish. We set boundaries, exercise self-care because we can’t give what we don’t have. If we don’t take good care of ourselves, we can’t be there for the people we care about.
What steps should people pleasers take to establish healthier boundaries?
Know what boundaries are and their different types. We can set boundaries emotionally, intellectually, time limitations material, etc. Be clear on your boundaries. Practice saying ‘no’ and asking for help; it will be hard at first but with practice it gets easier. Acknowledge how your life will be better and different when you set boundaries.
Be realistic: not everyone will acknowledge or respect your boundaries, especially because you have been a people pleaser for a while. It changes their world.
How can someone who is naturally empathetic maintain their compassion while becoming more assertive?
You can be both empathetic and assertive. You can be empathetic to someone but not let them walk on you or treat you badly. I think we don’t realize that we can be both.
What are the most common misconceptions about people pleasers, and how do these misconceptions affect their journey toward recovery?
It’s a misconception that people pleasers are weak, but the truth is people pleasers are kind, empathetic and caring which are great traits but needed with boundaries. People pleasers are always thought to be happy which is not true. From the outside, it looks like we are going with the flow and OK with everything but the truth is we feel stressed, anxious, resentful, etc.
What role can therapy or counseling play in helping individuals overcome people-pleasing behavior?
It can help you identify your patterns of behavior. Become self-aware of why you people please. Learn about boundaries and how to set them. Become more assertive and confident.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
The worthy movement- helping people find their self-worth. To give tips/tools to help people go from unworthy to worthy. This movement needs to start early. Some tweens and teens are already dealing with low self-worth.
Start in elementary school and keep the process going through high school. Also, teaching parents how they can play a role in their kids feeling good self-worth and secure in who they are.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
They can visit my website at www.dianelang.org or email me at [email protected].
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
Author Diane Lang On How to Recover From Being a People Pleaser was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.