Be there and love them unconditionally. Love them when they are hurting, love them when they are defiant, love them when they lie, and love them when they cry. Sit and cry with them. Be gentle and patient with them and be as present as you can…then go take care of yourself…fill your own cup back up and if you need to share with their health professional team.
Eating disorders are complex mental health conditions that affect millions worldwide, transcending age, gender, and cultural boundaries. They are not simply about food but involve a range of psychological, physical, and social issues. Supporting a loved one through this struggle can be challenging, requiring understanding, patience, and knowledge of the right approaches to truly make a difference.
In this series, we aim to shed light on the most effective ways to offer support, understanding, and hope to those battling an eating disorder. We are talking to psychologists, nutritionists, doctors, therapists, and survivors, who can provide valuable perspectives on nurturing recovery, fostering resilience, and promoting healthy relationships with food and body image. As a part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Anne Poirier.
Having overcome her own eating disorder as a tween, Anne Poirier CSCS wrote the best selling book, The Body Joyful: My journey from self-loathing to self-acceptance, founded the Body Joyful Revolution community and helps individuals break free from diet culture and society’s thin ideal using her holistic Non-Diet Body Joyful Solution.
As a pioneer and leading voice of the Body Neutrality Movement and Founder of Shaping Perspectives: A Woman’s Way to Joy, Anne has been featured and cited in major media outlets including Shape, Women’s Health, the New York Times, Real Simple, Washington Post, Livestrong, and NPR plus over 75 radio and TV interviews.
Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series. Before we dive into our discussion, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you share with us the backstory about what brought you to your specific career path?
I have struggled and suffered from eating disorders, disordered eating and body image for much of my life.
Diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa as a tween (1970’s)
Studied physical education at college, so that I could ‘stay fit’ and ‘thin’ as a career.
Relapsed into bulimia during college.
Binge and restriction cycle
Graduated and worked as a group exercise instructor and director for 30 years, beating my body up, dieting, binging and overexercising. Trying desperately to fit in and have the ‘right size’ body.
Relapsed into exercise bulimia at 45.
After my last relapse into eating disorder behavior, accompanied by depression and a physical breakdown of my body about 15 years ago, I was done. I was tired of riding the dieting rollercoaster, and never feeling good enough, regardless of what I did.
Enough was enough. I thought, there must be another way to live. I reached out and received the support I needed (therapy, and medication) and dove into my own self recovery. The more I learned about the harms of dieting, diet culture and society’s thin ideal, the angrier I got.
I went back to school to study eating disorders, became a certified Intuitive Eating Counselor, Life Coach, Self-talk Trainer and Body image coach. I was determined to help our next generation NOT have to go through what I went through.
I now encourage individuals to look at the messages we’ve inherited, from family to media, so that we can create a ripple effect for future generations, where people are not judged by their bodies, size or shape. A world were individuals stop dieting and reject society’s thin ideals so that there is a reduction in eating disorders, weight stigma, body shaming and bullying.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change” Wayne Dyer
It was only when I changed the way I saw my body, food and exercise, that I was able to make real changes in my life. Seeing my body for the amazing vehicle that has allowed me to live my life and experience all life has to offer (both the highs and lows) rather than always beating it up, criticizing, comparing and judging it because it didn’t look the way I thought it should.
I also began to see food as fuel and something that is pleasurable, not the enemy. And finally I changed the way I looked at exercise. When I shifted my thinking on exercise from punishment and a ‘have to’ to play and joyful movement and a ‘want to’, moving my body became fun and enjoyable. I released all the ‘rules’ I created around exercised and started just enjoying the freedom and release that movement and play provided for my body.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
YES! 3 things
I am writing a new book on Body Neutrality entitled (temporary name!) : Good enough, just as you The Body Neutrality Handbook
Body Neutrality Handbook will give readers daily activities to help them see their bodies differently. As they begin to change the way they see themselves and begin to focus on the body from a different perspective, not only will they begin changing the way they talk to and treat themselves, my hope is that they will also become role models for our next generation, just by seeing and treating themselves with kindness, and compassion.
I am working on completing my Student and Teacher-Parent Educational Resource Guide done for my anti-bullying, anti-body shaming and body acceptance book for middle schoolers Not A Fat Annie. And trying to get high school or college drama clubs to perform it and use the guides to inform, raise awareness and empower kids to stay off the dieting roller coaster and reduce eating disorders, body shaming, and weight stigma!
The Not a Fat Annie Educational resource book will give kids and the adults that love them tangible activities, tools, and resources to build self-esteem and body confidence, resulting in an improved feeling of self-worth. When kids feel good enough, they show up differently at school, at home and in society.
I am working in collaboration with researcher Kayla Nuss from Klein Buendel
on developing a prototype app on Body Neutrality and how it can help improve body image, and self-esteem while also being a prevention tool for eating disorders.
The world is more and more tech driven. An app, which is how so many of us interact now, that prompts someone to continuously work on their body image is bound to help improve confidence. When someone feels more confident, they become a more active participant in their own lives, and thus make greater impact in the world around them.
According to this study cited by the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, at least 30 million people in the U.S. of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder. Can you suggest 3–5 reasons why this has become such a critical issue recently?
During Covid kids were isolated increasing low self-esteem : https://www.singlecare.com/blog/news/eating-disorder-statistics/
We were not designed to look at ourselves all day on a screen in zoom classrooms. This increased feelings of comparison to others, and decreased self-esteem and self-worth.
Increased time on social media, increasing social comparison, self-criticism, and judgement.
Lack of free play, which enhances self-confidence, autonomy, and joy.
Increase in Body Shaming and Bullying at school.
Most of the bullying focuses on weight and body shape, with 60% of young people admitting they tried to change their appearance after being bullied and 24% said they reduced the amount they ate or went on a diet.
In some cases, the effect was more severe with one in ten of those being bullied about their looks having suicidal thoughts and 9% saying they self-harmed as a result.
54% of young people who experience bullying about the way they look, do so by the age of 10.
1 in 2 of young people reported becoming anxious because of being bullied about the way they look about themselves / their own appearance.
Pressure to ‘be thin’ in order to fit in, starting at a young age
Parental beliefs on weight and health
Parents on diets
Weight stigma
Fat phobia
Results in kids as young as 8–10 are starting to diet.
53%of 13-year-old girls in the USA are unhappy with their bodies
By late elementary school, 50% of girls are dissatisfied with their weight and shape and have developed pervasive negative body perception.
Dieting and negative body image are precursors to eating disorders, anxiety, depression, social comparison, isolation and other mental health issues
Negative body image
Based on your insight, what can concrete steps can a) individuals, b) corporations, c) communities and d) leaders do to address the core issues that are leading to this problem?
Core issues that lead to eating disorders include:
Diets and diet culture, which leads to disordered eating,
Negative body image, which leads to negative self-talk, body shaming, negative body talk,
A society that idealizes a “smaller body” ie: fat phobia, society’s thin ideal, which leads to people not feeling good enough or worthy. .
A society that looks and treats people differently due to body size, shape and weight… media, social media, photoshopping, airbrushing and editing, which leads to comparison, self-criticism and bullying (both by others and to self)
Individuals
YOU can be part of the solution!!! By… reject diet culture and society’s thin ideal while shifting your perspective about size, shape and weight.
YOU can develop a more positive body image and change your relationship with food and body.
Embrace Body Neutrality, eat intuitively and implement a non-diet approach, detox your social media to promote diversity of body size and weight neutral content, agree to not engage in negative body talk. If you struggle, please reach out and get the right therapy, coaching-mentoring and support.
Communities/Corporations:
Promote and support non-diet, weight inclusive solutions and initiatives in schools, after school programs, recreational and fitness programs and employee wellness programs. These would include fun movement challenges (rather than weight loss challenges). Provide intuitive eating education, implement a compassionate, have wellness days, weight inclusive environment.
Participate in Awareness days/weeks to increase awareness.
No Diet Day May 6
National Eating Disorder Awareness Week
Body Acceptance Awareness Week
Bully Prevention Month in October
Leaders
Embrace and implement body neutrality and body acceptance personally, so you are able to role model this type of living.
Step away from numbers…ie; weights, calories, grams, steps etc.
Separate weight from health and self-worth.
Develop support programs, events and organizations that promote weight inclusivity, a non-diet lifestyle, joyful movement, mindfulness and self-compassion.
As you know, one of the challenges of an eating disorder is the harmful, and dismissive sentiment of “why can’t you just control yourself”. What do you think needs to be done to make it apparent that an eating disorder is an illness just like heart disease or schizophrenia?
People don’t understand what eating disorders are or how complicated treatment really is. Until we stop trivializing eating disorders and begin to see how serious eating disorders really are, this idea of why you can’t just ‘control yourself’, will continue to be a misconception and cause much frustration, shame, guilt, disappointment, anxiety, worry and even anger for all involved.
Eating disorders do not discriminate!
Society needs a greater awareness of what causes or contributes to eating disorders and we need to create more publicity and public awareness around this disorder. We need to know more in order to do better for our next generation.
Insurance companies don’t really like to pay for eating disorder treatment because unfortunately relapse is high. This is due to the complex nature of an eating disorder!
In order for true healing, a patient needs to go through a series of stages. Unfortunately, these stages… in the eyes of an insurance company, look like defiance…so they cut the treatment off. This so-called ‘defiance’ is actually part of the recovery process!
Treatment of eating disorders require a multidisciplinary team of professionals…including a psychiatrist, a medical doctor, and a dietician a relapse in high. The result is a lot of insurance companies excludes them from coverage or authorize treatment for a short amount of time which cuts treatment short and leads to many of the relapse.
While food and eating patterns are part of the condition, they are only a symptom of MUCH DEEPER psychological and emotional issues.
Eating Disorders are not about the food, while being about the food. From the outside, it looks like it’s a struggle about food yet when you talk to someone who is struggling with an eating disorder you realize that the issues are much deeper and more difficult that.
Research indicates that things like
Lacking a sense of agency in one’s own life- autonomy
Lack of boundaries
People pleasing (acceptance and fitting in)
It is possible for individuals to get well, I am proof of that…however, it’s not as easy as “just eat” or “just decide to get better”. This disorder runs much deeper than that, and we need to make the rest of the world realize this, before we can make an impact.
Here is the main question of our interview. Can you please share with our readers 5 ways to support a loved one who is struggling with an eating disorder? If you can, can you share an example from your own experience?
1 . Be there and love them unconditionally. Love them when they are hurting, love them when they are defiant, love them when they lie, and love them when they cry. Sit and cry with them. Be gentle and patient with them and be as present as you can…then go take care of yourself…fill your own cup back up and if you need to share with their health professional team.
2 . Stick to using “I” statements and phrases. This helps keep you within your own experience of what is going on and is less threatening. I feel, I think, I need, I wish… rather than telling them what they should do, feel, think etc. This can help them use I phrases as well. Share your own experiences if they are relevant and you believe can help them feel less alone.
3 . As an eating disorder survivor, I wish I had listened when someone was telling me they were concerned about my health and wellbeing. So, let them know, reach out to them through your words, cards, sharing resources and big hearts. Make the effort to let them know you care and that you are worried about them. If it doesn’t work one way, try another. Come to them from a place of love.
4 . Try not to make assumptions about what their eating behaviors and struggles mean without listening to them. It is easy for us to make assumptions on what their behaviors, and actions mean. As a supporter, we want to be an open, trustworthy place where they can share their emotions and feelings with someone who will listen and respect what they say, without trying to fix or place their own expectations upon them.
5 . Stay away from commenting on their, your or others appearance. These all can be triggers, talk about other things, ask how they are feeling and how they are doing. Be there for them, listen with patience. Remember, your expectations, your weight, food or body biases can all bubble up during interactions. Try to keep them in check when in conversation.
How do you navigate the balance between offering support and respecting the autonomy of a loved one with an eating disorder?
Provide unconditional love, validation, understanding, compassion, and support while offering encouragement and seeking to understand what they are feeling, thinking and experiencing. The person suffering wants to make their own decisions, yet there may be times, if their life is in danger, that a support person may have to intercede. It is so hard to watch someone refuse to take care of themselves in the most basic ways…yet that is the symptom that the brain of an eating disorder patient connects with. They believe that the rules they follow are keeping them safe and are protecting them. It is a fine line, that is why the support of a professional team is of utmost importance.
Make sure YOU get the help and support you need as you help and support. This includes engaging in self-care and making sure to take care of your own physical, and emotional needs. This includes getting support for yourself if you struggle with self-worth, self-esteem, body image or disordered eating, so you can be a role model for your loved one. Speak to an eating disorder specialist to help you understand the intricacies of the disorder.
Ask these questions: How can I help you? What can I do to support you? What do you need?
Is there a message you would like to tell someone who may be reading this, who is currently struggling with an eating disorder?
You are not alone, even though you may feel like you are.
Your body size, shape or weight do not dictate your worth as a human being.
Make a list of 3 people you like to hang around with…then write down by each person’s name what it is that you like about them. Make a list of why you like to hang around them. Then…ask this question: Does any of it have to do with the size of their body? You are so much more than your appearance. You have unique qualities, talents and traits. Those are the things that make you YOU…
There is help and support available to you, you do not have to live this way. Reach out and ask for help. AS a matter of fact, the most courageous and brave thing you can do is ask for help.
Your therapist, coach, counselor is there to help you and support you.
If you trust them, let them help you. Personally, I spent way too much time, energy and money on therapists…lying to them, wanting them to ‘like me’ rather than letting them see the real me and help me. It wasn’t until I was ready to get help that I found a therapist to trust and tell the truth with. (Thanks Martha!) Recovery is hard work, and you can do it… because the hard work is WORTH IT!
Think about what you might say to your younger sibling if they were struggling with an eating disorder? How would you talk to them? What would you say? Those are all the words that we, others who have suffered from an eating disorder would like to say to you.
In your experience, what are the most effective strategies for building resilience and a positive self-image in individuals recovering from an eating disorder?
Embrace Body Neutrality, shifting the focus of your body from appearance to function. Starting to see the body differently…like the vehicle that you get to experience life in
Reject diet culture. Promising myself I would never diet again, was one of the most impactful decisions I made for myself. I then went on to practice and learn how to eat intuitively and reconnect with my true body’s feelings of hunger and fullness.
Divorce exercise from weight loss, and changes in body shape. Use the word movement instead and find ways to move my body that feel good, and that I enjoy…for the purpose of mobility, independence, energy, mood regulation and improving my own quality of life.
Practice self-compassion and self-kindness instead of degrading, harsh negative self-talk and self- criticism.
Release the shame and guilt that is held on so tightly to. Forgive yourself and move forward with validation, kindness, grace and hope.
Embrace self-care to reduce stress: I journaled a lot! Walks in nature, playing, coloring, meditation, connection and laughter were and still are parts of my self-care toolbox.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that have helped people with this struggle? Can you explain why you like them?
Podcasts:
Food Psych-Christy Harrison
Love, Food- Julie Duffy Dillon
Body Kindness- Rebecca Scritchfield
More Confidence- Luna Giai
The Eating Disorder Trap- Robyn Goldberg
And a couple podcasts to consider:
https://www.listennotes.com/podcasts/conscious-living/episode-80-with-anne-poirier-o4UCDYNRFAO/
https://www.listennotes.com/podcasts/the-eating/83-the-body-joyful-with-anne-snvj2zqKUku/
Books:
The Body Joyful: Anne Poirier- a story of recovery, and questions for you to help you know yourself better and learn a different way to see yourself.
Intuitive Eating Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch- taught me how to connect with my own bodies internal cues, while also providing activities to help shift my perspective around food
Health at Every Size or Body Respect: Linda Bacon- the science and research helped me reframe the way I thought about food, eating, my body and exercise.
Body Kindness: Rebecca Scritchfield- great layout of how to shift your perspective of eating and your body
Embody: Connie Sobczak- learning to embrace your body
Gifts of Imperfection: Brene Brown (any of her books)-to help you shift out of shame and find new ways to live.
Anti-Diet: Christy Harrison- great book to help you understand the harm dieting can cause.
Remember, the resources that are most helpful should do the following… Inspire, give practical tips to take action towards recovery, educate, raise awareness, address self-talk, self-identity and self-compassion.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the largest amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
As a leading thought leader and expert in the areas of Body Image and Body Neutrality since 2015, I have had the privilege to help thousands of individuals feel more comfortable and confident in their bodies and selves without dieting and restriction. This work on body image helps people who struggle with life-threatening eating disorders. Bringing this work to a bigger audience, can help in the prevention of eating disorders. I would like my story and work to be available to the masses, so we can help PREVENT an eating disorder to take hold.
I am passionate and committed to creating a generational change where dieting and society’s dangerous and harmful thin ideal is a thing of the past.
My vision is to live in a world where people are not judged by their size, shape or weigh. To live in world that sees value in and takes constant action to reduce weight stigma, bullying, body shamming and eating disorders.
My mission is to create generational change by helping and guiding individuals feel more comfortable and confident in their bodies and selves without dieting or restriction. When individuals reject diets, break-free of diet culture and society’s harmful thin ideal, we can reduce eating disorders and help yo save lives.
I do this by using a proven simple non-diet approach to acting, thinking and living (the Body Joyful Solution), authoring body neutrality/body acceptance books and resources, appearing on relevant podcasts and being featured in major media outlets, and inviting people to join the weight inclusive, non-diet Body Joyful Revolution individuals can gain the knowledge, skills, habits and mindsets they need to have food freedom, body peace and self-acceptance.
How can our readers continue to follow your work online?
Shaping perspectives website. https://shapingperspectives.com/
Body Joyful Revolution https://www.facebook.com/groups/bodyjoyfulrevolution
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/annepoirier11/
Linked In https://www.linkedin.com/in/anne-poirier-72b66344/
YouTube https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQvXD0xrvHDDkI1VCMmQVtQ/playlists
Anne Poirier. https://www.facebook.com/anne.poirier.10
You can reach Anne at [email protected], text-call: 603.339.1212
Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!
Author Anne Poirier On How To Support A Loved One Who Is Struggling With An Eating Disorder was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.