An Interview With Brooke Young & Yitzi Weiner
Be kinder to yourself
People pleasers are notorious for neglecting their own needs. If you could hear the inner voice of a people pleaser you might be shocked at how mean they tend to be to themselves. But that habit doesn’t develop on its own. Somewhere in their history there was probably a time when they were put down for having needs and they’ve continued to replicate that hurt within themselves
In today’s society, the tendency to prioritize others’ needs and expectations over one’s own can lead to significant emotional and psychological challenges. In this series, we would like to explore the complex dynamics of people-pleasing behavior and its impact on individual well-being and relationships. We would like to discuss the root causes of people-pleasing behavior, its effects on personal and professional life, and practical steps for cultivating healthier relationships and self-esteem. We hope that this series can provide insights, strategies, and real-life experiences that can help individuals navigate and overcome the pitfalls of being a people pleaser. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Christina Jack.
Christina is a Licensed Professional Counselor practicing in the state of Texas. She completed her Master’s of Science in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the University of Texas at San Antonio, and specializes in relationships, anxiety management, and trauma. She now calls Houston, Texas home where she provides psychotherapy to individuals and couples through her private practice.
When not providing direct client care Christina writes about relational wellness, sharing the importance of getting to know your innermost self. Through her blog, Christina cultivates a community where individuals feel empowered to explore their inner desires, cultivate self-awareness, and foster healthier relationships with themselves and others. By sharing practical advice, personal anecdotes, and evidence-based strategies, Christina seeks to spark meaningful conversations and encourage readers to embark on their own journey of self-discovery and personal growth.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
I grew up in the suburbs of Houston, Texas born to two Nigerian parents and I have four brothers. I had successful and very loving parents who came to this country with the goal of bettering themselves and setting the foundation of a good life for their children. I feel that they did a great job at this. I was active and very social growing up, always participating in different extracurriculars (like cheerleading, dance, track, and various musical pursuits) and had a healthy relationship with my friends and family. My cultural background definitely shaped my view of the world, and how I should navigate it as a minority, a woman, and a provider.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
I am a licensed professional counselor, or more colloquially known as a psychotherapist. I knew that I wanted to work in the mental health field starting in high school, when I decided to take a random psychology course for an extra elective credit. Growing up as a Nigerian-American mental health was never something discussed in my household so taking this course opened up a whole new world for me. I began putting words to a lot of the things I had always felt and thought, but couldn’t articulate. From there I went on to graduate school to complete my education in clinical mental health counseling and immediately began to practice in the field. I love helping others explore their own feelings, behavioral patterns, and desires as they navigate the world around them. Part of the draw to this profession was better understanding myself and my own tendencies; more specifically my people-pleasing tendencies. Which I hadn’t realized were as big of an issue as they were until I was in my graduate program.
Thank you for all that. Let’s now turn to the main focus of our discussion about People Pleasing. To make sure that we are all on the same page, let’s begin with a simple definition. What does “People Pleaser” mean to you?
To me, a people pleaser is someone who has trouble setting boundaries and putting themselves first. They convinced themselves that it is more comfortable to put others’ needs above their own so long as they “ keep the peace” or maintain a reputation for being easy going or well-liked, even if it’s to their own detriment.
On the surface, it seems like being a person who wants to please others is a good thing. Can you help articulate a few of the challenges that come with being a people pleaser?
I agree that on the surface being agreeable or helpful are wonderful traits to possess and I don’t ever want to pathologize that in people. The problem comes when we use those traits to fill emotional gaps that should be otherwise addressed with inner work instead of external validation. Sometimes people pleasing ends up being a way to self soothe our own insecurities and it is an overcorrection or defense mechanism against feelings of rejection.
Does being a people pleaser give you certain advantages? Can you explain?
People pleasing definitely has its benefits. I talk a lot to my clients about the differences between short-term versus long-term consequences for their actions and people pleasing falls in the category of having positive short-term outcomes. When you do something nice for another person they are usually filled with gratitude, or they see you as someone who is reliable, or sometimes you get to spend more time with that person; and in the short term these are all great! Why wouldn’t we want to feel needed and valued by the people around us?
Can you describe a moment in your life when you realized that your own people-pleasing behavior was more harmful than helpful?
I first began to realize how negative the impact of my people pleasing had been in graduate school. At this time of my life I was a full-time student, working two internships in two different cities, and had a part-time job. I was spread extremely thin yet still endeavored to uphold every social obligation and opportunity to be helpful to my classmates, coworkers, and clients even if it was to my own detriment. By this time in my life I had already been used to being in excessive service to others, and I’ve now come to realize that was because of my upbringing and the cultural expectations that came with my position in the family (the only other female presence, aside from my mother, in a Nigerian family). I remember there was a week where I had, once again, over committed myself and it all came to a head when I realized I hadn’t left myself enough time to complete a paper that was due. That day I experienced my first ever panic attack and it was one of the scariest moments of my life but also highlighted to me that I couldn’t be everything for everyone, and none of those people that I had poured so much of myself into could save me from the emotional distress I was in at that moment. From that day on I started reprioritizing who I was sharing my time and effort with and became very intentional about saying no more often.
In your opinion, what are the common root causes of people-pleasing behavior?
I believe that people pleasing tendencies are born from a lack of affirmation. It is a desperate attempt to stay relevant or valuable to the people around us. In my work as a psychotherapist, I’ve most often seen that this issue tends to manifest in childhood, where there is a lack of affirmation or healthy communication from parents or other influential figures in the child’s life about their innate value. They are most often praised for the things they do for others instead of the way their presence makes people feel. When children can’t tell that they are valuable regardless of what they do for others, they go out into the world assuming that their value is based on their productivity or the tangible things they can give to other people. So they default to this method of validation all the way into adulthood.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact personal relationships?
In my personal relationships, my people pleasing tendencies were at their strongest. These are the people that I wanted to love me the most, therefore I pushed myself to do more and more for them. Or at least I used to before becoming more intentional about setting boundaries that put my needs first. Before this change, I would find myself feeling a lot like a doormat, or feeling unseen by the people I cared most about. Being well known as the people pleaser in the group also seemed to give people permission to overlook my needs, always assuming that I had it all together. And I really can’t blame the people around me for assuming that, because I made it a point to present myself that way; so that I would always seem available to tend to their needs. I thought my greatest value to them was how often I could show up for them. This caused a lot of internal resentment that I could never voice, because deep down I knew that I was the one who put myself in that situation.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact professional relationships?
Interestingly enough, in professional relationships I found boundary setting to be much easier. Though I was always lauded as a star employee or the perfect team player, being praised for those traits yielded me more tangible results than in my personal life. A people pleaser in a professional setting shows up as someone who is reliable, self-directed, and eager to assist. In our society those are the types of traits that get promotions and raises and new opportunities constantly. So I found it harder to see this behavior as problematic in those settings. But those were, once again, short-term benefits. In the long term I realized this was also the perfect recipe for burnout and that no one in these professional settings were ever going to offer me the break I so desperately needed because they were also benefiting from me pushing myself in these ways.
How can long-term people-pleasing behavior impact an individual’s mental health?
I think the primary impacts on mental health include the aforementioned burnout and resentment that can go unaddressed if one isn’t aware of those risks. Additionally, not doing the inner work to unlearn people pleasing behavior can reinforce to someone that their value only lies in what they can do for others. It is very difficult to work through the root issues that cause people pleasing if no one around you is pointing it out as a problem in the first place. And in that case the cycle never ends and one can end up living a life that feels unfulfilling because they aren’t giving themselves the space to follow their hearts and live authentically. Instead they are constantly in service to others in hopes of finally being seen and valued. This can result in feelings of loneliness, worthlessness and even more troublesome can be a precedent for symptoms of depression and anxiety.
In your experience, what is the role of self-awareness in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies, and how can individuals cultivate it?
Self-awareness is key in overcoming these tendencies. Because of the unique nature of people pleasing as a problem, this behavior is only unlearned when there is an internal motivation to unlearn it. The people around us benefit the most from our people pleasing therefore they are the least likely to point out and support us in unlearning that behavior. Without a strong sense of self and a desire to change the course of one’s life, the work to recover can’t even start. Self-awareness is cultivated through exploring one’s personal values, and getting real about those desires that we’ve been taught to cover up and hide for the comfort of others.
Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Strategies Or Techniques That Can Help Individuals Break Free From The Cycle Of People-Pleasing”?
1 . Therapy or counseling:
As a mental health provider, I would be remiss not to first suggest working with a professional in this journey. We can provide a safe space to explore the roots of your people-pleasing behavior and help you develop healthier patterns of relating to others. In this safer environment, a therapist can act as the mirror you need to truly see and break down the unhelpful patterns you’ve been clinging to.
2 . Boundary Setting
This step is probably one of the scariest to a people pleaser, but also the most effective. Once I learned how to start setting boundaries, it opened my eyes to the fact that people didn’t start hating me just because I use the word ‘no’ more often. That was a limiting belief that I reinforced to myself, and the practice of boundary setting and subsequent positive outcomes, helped me realize that I had more value than I was giving myself credit for.
3 . Identify your triggers
Doing a bit of analysis on the people or situations that you feel is most difficult to avoid people pleasing in, could get you closer to understanding the root cause of this behavior. It took me some time to realize, but my people pleasing tendencies tended to show up most often and were most detrimental in my romantic relationships, whereas in professional settings it was slightly less of a problem. Doing that inner work helped me better understand what kind of validation was driving this behavior, which in turn made it easier to be on the lookout for those triggering requests.
4 . Challenge your beliefs
Sometimes referred to as limiting belief systems or thought distortions, people pleasers often have maladaptive ideas about the way the world works that drives their behavior. To identify and unlearn these beliefs, try questioning the validity of thoughts such as “I’m not worthy unless I make others happy” or “I must always put others’ needs before my own” and replace them with more balanced and self-affirming perspectives like “I can still be loved without completing that task” or “My needs matter as much as everyone else’s”. Just the practice of challenging these thoughts can help you recognize how black and white your thinking has been, and how unhelpful that is.
5. Be kinder to yourself
People pleasers are notorious for neglecting their own needs. If you could hear the inner voice of a people pleaser you might be shocked at how mean they tend to be to themselves. But that habit doesn’t develop on its own. Somewhere in their history there was probably a time when they were put down for having needs and they’ve continued to replicate that hurt within themselves.
Self-compassion and kindness towards oneself, is a radical concept to a people pleaser, but necessary for them to develop the motivation to change. One way to do this is simply start asking yourself the question “would I say that to my friend/ partner/ acquaintance?” Remind yourself that you are just as deserving of kindness as the people you reserve it for daily.
What steps should people pleasers take to establish healthier boundaries?
Just say no. I realize that is easier said than done, but until you test the hypothesis that “people won’t like me if I say no” you will continue to move through the world as if that statement were true. Start by identifying the people that are closest to you, and that you have the most evidence of their genuine love for you, and then tell them no! When they inevitably continue to love you after that, let that guide your boundary setting with other people and see how far it gets you.
In addition to that, you have to be realistic about the fact that not everyone is going to be happy about your boundary setting, and that’s okay! No one enjoys boundaries, no one enjoys a lack of access to your constant giving. Those are probably the people in your life that you need the strongest boundaries with, and doing this exercise will help you better categorize who truly cares for you and the innate value you bring into their lives, and who only values you for the things you’re able to do for them.
How can someone who is naturally empathetic maintain their compassion while becoming more assertive?
Empathy was always something that I thought of as a curse or burden. Even growing up I noticed that I seemed to feel things a lot more strongly than my friends and family would and it caused me to oftentimes retreat into a shell so that I could protect myself from all of those overwhelming feelings. Going into the mental health profession was the first time I started to see some value in that trait, but even then I had to do a lot of work to not let my empathy override my duties and responsibilities to people around me.
Being run down and overwhelmed by the feelings of others, is not an excuse for neglecting myself. It took me a long time to realize that I was, at least in part, using this trait about myself as a cop out. Taking the good parts of my empathy, the parts that allow me to deeply understand the people in the world around me, while being assertive in the fact that I am just as important as those people, has helped me build up my own assertiveness and has made me a stronger mental health professional as well as a more present version of myself in my personal relationships. I’m no longer hiding behind the excuse of “ too empathetic”, and am now showing up as my authentic self who is true to her own needs while also being in tune to the needs of others.
What are the most common misconceptions about people pleasers, and how do these misconceptions affect their journey toward recovery?
I think from the outside looking in, people can sometimes assume that people pleasers enjoy their role. They seem to enjoy showing up for others, they’re good at it, and they reap the social benefits of that behavior. And so when a people pleaser decides they would like to transition out of that role, it can be confusing or counterintuitive to other people. And that’s because people pleasers are oftentimes very good at hiding their struggles, or how heavy the weight of carrying other people’s burdens can get. When the people around you can’t understand why you’re making the changes that you’re making, it can be harder to feel supported in your decision and that can be used as an excuse to fall back into old patterns that make everyone else around us more comfortable.
What role can therapy or counseling play in helping individuals overcome people-pleasing behavior?
Therapy is the best place to start undoing these behaviors and unlearning these thought patterns because your therapist is trained to notice when you’re doing it and pick up on what triggers that behavior in you. It’s also helpful that your therapist doesn’t have any buy- in to you pleasing them or not. I often tell a lot of my clients that they can’t “win” at therapy. There is nothing they can do or say to make me feel disappointed in them, therefore it helps them leave those people pleasing tendencies at the door so that we can get to the real work. Having a therapist on your side for this journey is paramount to actually following through on the changes that you’re trying to make.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
If I could, I would start an initiative focused on global solidarity by focusing on mental wellness and relational understanding. The primary goals include breaking down mental health stigmas, building strong interpersonal connections, and creating a worldwide community that values holistic well-being.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
My practice website: newphasetherapeutic.com
My blog: christinajack.com
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
About the Interviewers:
Brooke Young is a multipassionate publicist, public speaking mentor, and communication consulting. She works with a wide range of clients across the globe, and across a diverse range of industries, to help them create, develop, and promote powerful messages through heart-centered storytelling. She has formerly worked On-Air with FOX Sports, competed in the Miss America Organization, and is the Author of a Children’s Book. She frequently works with children as a professional speaker where she educates on Volunteering and Therapy Dogs. She has over a decade of professional performing background and finds joy in sparking creative passions for her clients.
Yitzi Weiner is a journalist, author, and the founder of Authority Magazine, one of Medium’s largest publications. Authority Magazine is devoted to sharing in depth “thought leadership interview series” featuring people who are authorities in Business, Tech, Entertainment, Wellness, and Social Impact.
At Authority Magazine, Yitzi has conducted or coordinated thousands of empowering interviews with prominent Authorities like Shaquille O’Neal, Peyton Manning, Floyd Mayweather, Paris Hilton, Baron Davis, Jewel, Flo Rida, Kelly Rowland, Kerry Washington, Bobbi Brown, Daymond John, Seth Godin, Guy Kawasaki, Lori Greiner, Robert Herjavec, Alicia Silverstone, Lindsay Lohan, Cal Ripkin Jr., David Wells, Jillian Michaels, Jenny Craig, John Sculley, Matt Sorum, Derek Hough, Mika Brzezinski, Blac Chyna, Perez Hilton, Joseph Abboud, Rachel Hollis, Daniel Pink, and Kevin Harrington
Yitzi is also the CEO of Authority Magazine’s Thought Leader Incubator which helps business leaders to become known as an authority in their field, by interviewing prominent CEOs, writing a daily syndicated column, writing a book, booking high level leaders on their podcast, and attending exclusive events.
Christina Jack of New Phase Therapeutic Solutions On How to Recover From Being a People Pleaser was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.