Dr Alicia Walker of Missouri State University On How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love
Be patient. Finding love takes time, just like anything worth having. You’re not going to find love the same day or week you decide you’re seeking it.
In today’s fast-paced and interconnected world, finding and maintaining meaningful romantic relationships can be a daunting task. From navigating dating apps to managing expectations in a digital age, there are numerous challenges individuals face in their quest for love. Through this series, we would like to explore the complexities of modern dating and relationships, offering insights, advice, and strategies for navigating the often confusing landscape of love in the 21st century. In this series, we are talking to experts in psychology, relationship coaching, sociology, matchmaking, and individuals with personal experiences navigating the modern dating scene, to share their knowledge, perspectives, and stories. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Alicia Walker.
Dr. Alicia Walker is an associate professor of sociology at Missouri State University. She’s the 2023 recipient of the Director’s Award for Outstanding Faculty Research. Her research focuses on intimate sexual relationships, and specifically behaviors we tend to keep secretive. Her career has focused on those behaviors we’ve been told we’re not supposed to do, but we can’t help ourselves but to do, and then we keep them a secret from, well, everybody. Her first book is, The Secret Life of the Cheating Wife: Power, Pragmatism, and Pleasure in Women’s Infidelity (Lexington Books, 2017) and her second book is, Chasing Masculinity: Men, Validation, and Infidelity (Palgrave Macmillan, 2020). She is credited with the creation of a sociology of infidelity. She sole-authored these two books alongside an extensive list of academic publications, most focused on sexual behavior, identity and relationships. Her work often attracts the interest of journalists from outlets like Redbook, CNN, The New York Times, The Cut, Daily Mail, Bustle, Marie Claire, Cosmopolitan, Vice, Men’s Health, USA Today, Psychology Today, The Independent, The Sun, The Guardian, The Globe and Mail, Business Insider and most recently the New York Post, who called her study about the top components of great sex — orgasms, connection/chemistry and an emotional component — “mind-blowing.”
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
I grew up mostly in Southeastern Kentucky. My family moved around a bit, but all my public schooling happened in that region. We lived in small towns. I was an only child, so my childhood was a bit lonely (I always wished for a sibling). I loved books and animals (and still do!). When I graduated from high school, I moved away to attend college (University of Tampa) on a scholarship, and I’ve moved quite a bit as an adult as well.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
I’m an associate professor of sociology. Prior to coming into academia, I taught English in middle school and high school. While getting my master’s degree, I fell in love with research. For me, coming into academia offered me the opportunity to keep teaching (which I love) and to conduct research. My research focuses on intimate relationships, sexual behavior and identity, and gender. I’m especially interested in closeted sexual behavior (the things we do in secret) and online initiation of sexual relationships (e.g., online dating).
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
I would say the three character traits that are most instrumental to my success are: tenacity, clear focus on my priorities and goals, and self-awareness. I’m someone who doesn’t give up, which has carried me quite far (I often tell people that most of getting a PhD is just not giving up). My focus on my priorities and goals impacts how I structure my life (e.g., getting adequate sleep every night, making sure to schedule time for exercise) so I can function as well as possible. Being self-aware helps me choose projects for which I will maintain interest, enthusiasm and passion.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
I am! Right now, I’m working on two books: one is about highly sexual women and the other is about BDSM practitioners. I firmly believe both will help people. The BDSM book shares what you can learn about BDSM that can help increase your happiness (even if you have no interest in BDSM practices). The highly sexual women book shares what we can learn from self-identified highly sexual women to improve our autonomy, self-esteem and happiness.
For the benefit of our readers, can you briefly tell our readers why you are an authority on the topic of dating and finding love?
I consistently conduct research on and publish about topics of intimate sexual relationships and have for years.
Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love’. Based on your experience, what is a common root cause of the “inability to find love”?
That’s a complicated question. Some of the struggle has to do with our current culture. Everyone is so busy. We’re working longer hours than ever before. Add to that, we spend more time on our phones and screens, and much less time meeting people organically. Politically, we’re more polarized than ever before. None of that sets the stage for folks to easily make a love connection.
Beyond that, sometimes we set our expectations so high that we exclude too many potential partners. Other times, we pursue emotionally unavailable partners. Why do we do that? Some of it has to do with our feelings of self-worth. On some level, we don’t believe we deserve love. So, we make sure we don’t get it. And still other times, we settle (which could also be a byproduct of lower self-esteem or fear of being alone). That’s an issue because we’re trying to make it work with someone who can’t give us what we want or need. But sometimes, the bigger issue is we’re simply not putting ourselves out there to find a potential partner. And that could be because of fear of rejection or maybe a signal that our priority isn’t actually finding love. Maybe we need to sort out other aspects of our lives before we’re ready to find love.
What are some common misconceptions or myths about finding love in the modern world, and how can they be debunked?
A common myth about finding love I get asked about a lot is the idea that marriage is becoming obsolete. To debunk this, I tell people they must create their own marriage with its rules that meet their own needs. We must do this rather than trying to contort ourselves into the roles of “husband” and “wife” with all the loaded expectations that come with it. A better approach is to have an honest conversation about what you really need and want in a marriage and design a dynamic that meets those needs and wants. Set your own expectations for the relationship rather than have the world tell you what to do with your marriage.
What advice do you have for individuals who feel overwhelmed or disillusioned by the challenges of modern dating, and how can they maintain hope and optimism in their search for love?
It can seem daunting, but the fact is people find love every day. It’s never too late to find a great love. So, use that as fuel for your optimism.
My advice is to work on yourself first. Take time to honestly appraise yourself. What unresolved issues do you still have? What baggage are you carrying? Once you’ve developed self-love and you’re a great friend to yourself, you’ll be more ready to let someone into your life. Focus on creating an enriching and satisfying life for yourself. Enjoy your life while you “wait” for a great love to come along.
Let’s explore how the rise of social media and dating apps has impacted the way individuals approach and experience dating and relationships. Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use social media to find love?
In theory, you could meet someone on social media just as you could meet someone face-to-face. If you’re involved in groups with likeminded people, that might be a good space to meet someone. Participate in conversations online, which might lead to striking up a rapport with someone. There’s an impulse to curate your online presence, but you’ll want to be genuine and real online if you’re hoping to meet someone.
Be careful about contacting someone over direct message without the person’s consent. People may be cautious to respond to an unsolicited message because so many of those end up being bots or scams (or unwanted pictures!). If you do find you’re developing feelings for someone online, take your conversations to the telephone, and then hopefully to in-person meetings.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use dating apps to find love?
Be really clear with yourself about your intentions. Whether you’re trying to date casually or looking for a life partner, be clear about your goals. Don’t use too many apps at once. You want to limit yourself to one or two because if you get any more than that, you’re definitely risking burnout because it’s just too many sites to check each day and keep up with. It can become sort of like a game, which is a risk anyway because the apps are designed to be like a video game. It can be an issue where people use an app and it becomes difficult to stop swiping. Overall, be patient. We don’t make friends overnight. We’re likely not going meet our life partner overnight.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about looking for romance in real-life physical spaces like congregations, bars, markets, and conventions?
So many people feel uncomfortable trying to initiate a romantic connection in real life, in part because they have so little practice. The nice thing about dating sites is if someone is on one, then we know they’re looking for that. When we encounter people in real life, we have no idea if they’re open to such a connection.
If you want to search for romance in physical spaces, you must first get comfortable with talking to strangers. Most exchanges with strangers begin with the mundane. To move beyond that, you’ll need to take a small risk, but don’t get too familiar too quickly. Throw out a comment and watch the response. If someone is receptive, you can continue. Watch the person’s body language to gauge his or her interest. Humor is an effective way to flirt. We like people who make us laugh (and if you’re the flirtee, indicating that you think the flirter is funny is a good strategy). Make eye contact, smile and let the person know you’re interested by providing positive reinforcement.
At a bar, you don’t have to work as hard at flirting because anyone you’re talking to likely assumes you’re doing so because you’re interested. But at other places, you’ll have to work harder to make your intentions clearer because people won’t necessarily assume that’s the reason for the chat.
What are your thoughts about the challenges and opportunities that come with workplace romances?
A recent Forbes study found more than 60% of adults admit to ever having had a workplace romance. This makes sense given how much of our lives we spend at work. We get very comfortable with our co-workers. Often, these relationships work well. In that same survey, 43% of those workplace romances led to marriage.
The challenges include infidelity. In the Forbes survey, participants said 40% of their workplace romances involved cheating. Because of workplace rules and HR concerns, sometimes these relationships must be kept secret. And if your co-workers find out, they may not be thrilled. It could cause professional jealousy and gossip. Sometimes, it impacts work performance.
Can you discuss the role of vulnerability and authenticity in forming meaningful connections and finding lasting love?
Vulnerability and authenticity are the bedrock of intimacy. We cannot form meaningful connections and lasting love without vulnerability and authenticity. To form a real bond with someone, we have to let them see us as we truly are rather than some perfected version of ourselves. We fall in love with someone’s flaws, silliness and unique outlooks. We fall in love with the essence of who the person is, not with some idea of perfection.
Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Things You Need To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love”? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.
1 . Be patient. Finding love takes time, just like anything worth having. You’re not going to find love the same day or week you decide you’re seeking it.
2 . Create a life you love on your own. If our life isn’t satisfying without love in it, waiting for love will be even harder and make you more likely to settle. Design a life full of things you find fulfilling so you enjoy your life on your own. That way, waiting isn’t just wasted time. And when you do find love, you’re just adding someone to your life rather than making the person your whole life, which puts a lot of pressure on the relationship.
3 . Spend time working through your own unresolved issues. Our relationships are strengthened when we bring our best selves to them. The only way to do that is to spend time working on our baggage. Working on ourselves before we find love sets our relationship up for greater potential success.
4 . Be a great friend to yourself and develop self-love. You’ve likely heard you can’t love someone else unless you love yourself, and that’s so true. We must have a well of self-love to fully give love to others. The better a friend you can be to you, the better a partner you can be to a loved one.
5 . Be honest with yourself about what you want and what you need. If you’re not truly ready for a long-term commitment, searching for love will be frustrating. Meeting the right person at the wrong time is a painful experience for all parties.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?
Midtopia, Sex Talk with Erica, Passion with Dr. Laurie, You Do You: A Dating Podcast.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I would like to bring about a movement promoting everyone getting comprehensive sexual education. Sex education saves lives. And sexual health is health.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
You can find me on:
– X/Twitter: https://twitter.com/AliciaMWalker1
– Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/aliciamwalkerphd
– Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/aliciamwalkerphd
– My website: https://www.alicia-walker.com/
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
Dr Alicia Walker of Missouri State University On How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To… was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.