Take advice from people who have what you want: You might find that your single friends are the ones that have the strongest opinions. You really want to look at their life and say “do they have what I want?” A lot of times, my friends who are unhappy, they speak the loudest to me and I have to remind myself, “that person doesn’t have what I want and they seem really opinionated about that, maybe I should listen to somebody who actually does have what I am looking to attract.” It’s so important to surround yourself with people who have already done what you’re hoping to do, have already found that perfect partner for them, and not only that, they’ve maintained their relationship for a long time. That is the sign that you should be listening to that person about how to navigate the complicated modern dating world.
In today’s fast-paced and interconnected world, finding and maintaining meaningful romantic relationships can be a daunting task. From navigating dating apps to managing expectations in a digital age, there are numerous challenges individuals face in their quest for love. Through this series, we would like to explore the complexities of modern dating and relationships, offering insights, advice, and strategies for navigating the often confusing landscape of love in the 21st century. In this series, we are talking to experts in psychology, relationship coaching, sociology, matchmaking, and individuals with personal experiences navigating the modern dating scene, to share their knowledge, perspectives, and stories. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Emyli Lovz.
As a student at UC Berkeley, Emyli Lovz completed a 100-date experiment, going on 101 dates with 52 different men. Instead of dating for dating’s sake, Emyli used a systematic approach to dating and gained valuable research that led to the creation of emlovz and coaching program, Dating Decoded. Emyli Lovz is an expert in equipping both men and women with the skills they need to find love. She does so by using her unique dating method, MegaDating, which involves going on 20 dates in 90 days to help singles find highly compatible long-term partners.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
Growing up as the child of divorced parents, I never saw romantic love at home. The only version of romantic love I saw as a child was through Disney films.
As I entered college while getting out of a toxic relationship, I found myself doubting whether true love, the kind I had been force fed by Disney, was real or not. To find out if an idealized version of love was out there and figure out how to get it, I went on 100 dates with 52 men in just one year.
This dating odyssey not only helped me find lasting love in Thomas Anthony, who is now the co-founder of emlovz, but it gave me a framework that I could use to help others find love. This research led me to co-found emlovz and teach singles how to quickly and effectively find a super compatible partner by MegaDating.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
I help men and women find their perfect partner. I’m the co-founder, along with my husband, Thomas Anthony, of emlovz, a dating coaching company that brings the expertise of a spectrum of coaches to teach singles the skills they need to find and court their ideal partner.
We do this in a variety of ways, but at the core of our program is MegaDating. MegaDating is a proactive and conscious dating approach that involves strategically going on 20 dates in just 90 days. Prolifically dating with intention helps our students build and refine dating skills, diffuse energy, helps them understand what they’re looking for, and most importantly, quickly helps them to find a lifelong partner.
Teaching the ins and outs of modern dating isn’t a job for just one person. Our students have access to an array of coaches, each specializing in a different aspect of modern dating.
For example, we give students a chance to practice what they’ve learned by going on mock dates with our coaches where they can practice and then receive feedback. For those struggling with date anxiety, we have a psychologist who specializes in helping students manage their anxiety. Our social media coach helps optimize profiles so they appeal to their ideal partner. Should students want to improve their pillow talk, we also have an intimacy coach to refine their nocturnal abilities. For every modern dating obstacle our students might face, we have a coach to help them effectively overcome that romantic hurdle.
This journey towards becoming a dating coach all started with a question, “does true love really exist?” To find out I went on 100 dates in one year. During this time I learned how to quickly find, attract, and court compatible men. It’s these skills that I then refined and now teach in our program, Dating Decoded.
This naturally led to my role evolving into that of a coach, guiding individuals in honing their dating skills.
With over ten years of helping men and women find love, our company has coached thousands of singles across the nation to find, not just any partner, but their most compatible partner. Never complacent, we continue to evolve with the dating landscape so that we can best help our students navigate the ever-changing world of modern dating.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
- Vision: Know exactly what you want to do and why. When starting out and creating something from nothing, it’s easy to lose sight or let uncertainty rock the boat. The waters that entrepreneurs must navigate are always choppy. It’s on you to build something that can weather the storm. Create a plan, be adaptable, and work your ass off. When I knew I wanted to get into coaching singles, I didn’t have all the details worked out, but that’s fine. What I did have was a blurry framework that I knew would help men and women gain the skills they needed to find lifelong romantic partners. Vision isn’t something you have or don’t, but is something you cultivate the more you work at it.
- Dedication: In the first seven years of emlovz’s existence, coaching was a side hustle. In this first seven years I had to balance my 9 to 5 with coaching in the evening, often working 12 hour days. You can be gifted and have all the smarts in the world but if you don’t have grit you’ll never accomplish what you desire most. It is dedication and grit, two traits we can all work to acquire, that has turned emlovz into an impactful and successful company.
- Desire: Desire to help others avoid what I experienced. As a child of a single parent, I know how hard it is to grow up in a family where there are not healthy, happy, and loving relationship role models. Divorce and unhappy relationships impact children, families, and friendships negatively and I hope to end that suffering and loneliness for others.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
Yes we are planning on opening a relationships program this year that will help couples maintain their relationships so they last. I hope to give people in relationships the tools they need to stay in a healthy, happy, and loving partnership forever.
For the benefit of our readers, can you briefly tell our readers why you are an authority on the topic of dating and finding love?
Practice and repetition turn you into an expert. As a dating coach I’ve put the hours into understanding how to quickly go from complete stranger to romantic partner. If you too went on 102 dates in a year, you would be a dating expert. Since that experiment I’ve been helping men and women find their perfect partner for over ten years. I now spend every day creating new training content for our students, leading coaching sessions, and offering support and encouragement to our members.
Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love’. Based on your experience, what is a common root cause of the “inability to find love”?
Insecure attachment styles and not MegaDating.
Setting a goal to go on 20 dates in 90 days (MegaDating) can reveal what is causing an inability to find love. For some, it may be an avoidant attachment style, where anytime they get close to someone, they push them away because closeness feels dangerous. For others, it may be an anxious attachment style, where they get clingy and push the other person away.
MegaDating solves this problem by giving individuals many people to date quickly so they can easily see problems in their selection process. It forces avoidant people to be more proactive in putting themselves out there and it helps anxious people to relax because they have multiple people that can help to diffuse their energy so they don’t get caught up in oneitis.
What are some common misconceptions or myths about finding love in the modern world, and how can they be debunked?
There’s this idea that there’s no one who wants a serious relationship. I have thousands of students who would disagree. It’s not that we don’t want a long-term relationship but that many of us have other priorities. Should the right person come along very few of us will reject them citing being too busy as the reason for doing so. The difficulty lies in presenting yourself in a way that convinces them that they should prioritize you instead of one of life’s many other obligations.
What advice do you have for individuals who feel overwhelmed or disillusioned by the challenges of modern dating, and how can they maintain hope and optimism in their search for love?
Humans are social creatures built for building meaningful relationships. At our core we all just want someone to laugh with, confide in, and feel safe with. Don’t overcomplicate things or let the shifting waters of modern dating get you down. Focus on building a connection. And hey, if dating apps aren’t working for you, believe it or not there are other ways to meet people nowadays.
Date with intention, be systematic and accept that you don’t live in a fairytale. Finding your forever partner may take time, but love is worth investing in.
And most importantly, MegaDate. Set a goal to go on 20 dates in 90 days and try and view the process as an experiment. When you take a step back and get curious about who you’re attracting and why, you learn a lot more than when you just focus on finding the one from the jump.
Let’s explore how the rise of social media and dating apps has impacted the way individuals approach and experience dating and relationships. Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use social media to find love?
When we talk about using SM to find love (if we exclude dating apps) what we’re really talking about is IG. So many people want to slide into the DMs but refuse to invest in creating a profile that makes the person you send a message to want to respond. It’s true that you’re much more than your IG profile, but when talking to a stranger the only thing they have to go off of is your profile — so beef it up.
Use photos of you smiling and looking at the camera. Add hobby photos that showcase your interests. Make sure to have social proof photos with you and other people. Leverage video as well as photos. 80% of communication is nonverbal so if they can see and hear you, they’ll have a lot more information about whether there’s chemistry.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use dating apps to find love?
More than anything dating apps have made us lazy. We open Tinder or Bumble and see a seemingly endless list of romantic possibilities. This leads us to swipe left more than we otherwise would, be lazy when it comes to chatting online, ghost like it’s trendy, and never make plans that take our fledgling relationship off the app and into the real world.
When it comes to getting the most from online dating I have more than a couple tips.
Before even creating a profile, understand what you’re looking for. Whether it’s just someone to chat with online or a spouse, knowing what you’re looking for will make it easier to find.
Secondly, actually make an effort. If you’re serious about using dating apps to actually find someone to date, present yourself in a way that would convince the person of your dreams to date you. That means taking quality photos, writing compelling profiles, and using every pixel of digital real estate to showcase your personality.
The apps run off of keyword matching so think strategically about the keywords you use in your profile. If you say, “I’m looking for someone who loves kitesurfing, deep dish pizza, and bulldogs” the algorithms will better be able to match you with compatible partners than if you’re vague and say things like “I like Netflix, hiking and brunch.” Yeah, so does everyone else. But what makes you unique?
A/B test. Dating apps are incredibly competitive (though particularly for men). If you’re struggling to match with the people you’re most into, change up your profile. Swap out new photos, rewrite your bio, and make adjustments.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about looking for romance in real-life physical spaces like congregations, bars, markets, and conventions?
Frequent the places you think you’re most likely to find your ideal match. If you’re a beer-loving, doggy parent, then going to local breweries to meet singles is ideal for you. If you’re super into fitness and want a partner who cares about excelling physically as much as you do, start looking at your gym as the new club instead of just a place to break a sweat.
Take a moment to think about who your ideal partner is and where they’re most likely to spend time. Then go there. Once you’re there, start with a hi and go from there.
What are your thoughts about the challenges and opportunities that come with workplace romances?
Workplace romances have never been trickier, especially with companies like Netflix who are banning employees from looking at each other for more than five seconds. This new workplace guideline is indicative of your workplace’s appetite for romance. Sure they’re possible, in fact they’re fertile ground for workplace romances, however you must proceed with caution, use tact, and weigh the pros and cons before you make an explicitly romantic approach to a coworker.
Can you discuss the role of vulnerability and authenticity in forming meaningful connections and finding lasting love?
Without vulnerability and authenticity a relationship will remain shallow and stagnant and eventually fizzle out. Think of the most meaningful relationships in your life. I guarantee you allow yourself to be authentic and vulnerable in those relationships. To have the most gratifying relationship possible, you’ll need to open up and be yourself. Without these ingredients your relationship will only get so far.
Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Things You Need To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love”? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.
1 . MegaDating:
Go on 20 dates in 90 days. It will change your entire life. What happens when you MegaDate, or compare and contrast multiple partners in a short period of time is that it allows you to see problem areas in your selection process or toxic patterns that you keep making that are holding you back from finding love.
It also helps if you tend to get a little clingy or needy, you get really focused on that one person, and you get One-itis. It helps to really diffuse that energy because you have multiple people that you’re talking to and comparing and contrasting.
It also helps with avoidant attachment. When we find that we are avoiding connection or avoiding putting ourselves out there because setting a goal of going on 20 dates in 90 days forces you to really get going, get moving, and be proactive in your dating life so you can compare and contrast different partners to really see who the right one is.
MegaDating also helps you to avoid settling for the wrong person and this can lead to divorce, depression, unhappiness, or a bad environment for kids.
MegaDating is super fun! When you’re able to compare and contrast multiple partners, you don’t get so hung up on any one person and you get to see every date as though it was an adventure, an opportunity to step into another person’s world and see what your life would be like if you were a part of theirs.
2 . Ideal Partner Avatar:
You want to get clear on exactly who you’re looking to attract so you know where they go and how to best get in front of them. Often we just throw spaghetti at the wall, we don’t really know who we’re looking to attract, and we don’t have a clear strategy for where we’re going to go to meet that perfect partner for us. So step #1 is to get super clear. Write down the characteristics that you’re really looking for in your ideal partner and be careful not to fall into the common problem of outlining things like “they must be this tall,” “they must have this job,” “they must make this much money,” “they must have this status.” Instead, think about characteristics like kindness, warmth, thoughtfulness, intelligence, characteristics that really go into creating a strong connection. Maybe they share certain hobbies in common with you. You really want to try and look at it from a deep level. If you can, go into your past relationship history and examine what you liked and didn’t like about each of the people that you dated. Try and create an ideal partner avatar based on that data.
3 . Strategic location selection:
You don’t want to just go to bars to try and meet people unless your ideal partner avatar is an alcoholic. You want to make sure that you’re going to places where the real ideal partner avatar is going to be located. So first you have to outline that. And it’s a lot easier if you’re going to places where the conversation is naturally baked into the activity, like a class. Maybe an improv class. Something where you’re going to see people on a regular basis so you don’t have to muster up all this courage to go approach them cold and make a good connection in two seconds. So, not only finding strategic locations where your ideal partner is likely to be located, but also locations where you can really form an emotional connection over time repeatedly. Studies show that we actually find people more attractive when we see them multiple times in the same location.
4 . Dating Apps:
40% of all new relationships start online. While you don’t need dating apps, if you know how to use them correctly you can quickly meet like-minded people who you can reasonably see yourself starting a life with. To snub dating apps would be to turn your back on hundreds of compatible partners.
5 . Take advice from people who have what you want:
You might find that your single friends are the ones that have the strongest opinions. You really want to look at their life and say “do they have what I want?” A lot of times, my friends who are unhappy, they speak the loudest to me and I have to remind myself, “that person doesn’t have what I want and they seem really opinionated about that, maybe I should listen to somebody who actually does have what I am looking to attract.” It’s so important to surround yourself with people who have already done what you’re hoping to do, have already found that perfect partner for them, and not only that, they’ve maintained their relationship for a long time. That is the sign that you should be listening to that person about how to navigate the complicated modern dating world.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
MegaDating. If everyone went on 20 dates in 90 days, I believe toxic relationships would end and people with insecure attachment styles (50% of the population) would be able to come into a more secure place. This would create healthy, happy and loving relationships that could last forever. My goal is to inspire a billion people to either try MegaDating or tell someone else about MegaDating. It can change the whole world.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
We publish articles every week on our website, emlovz.com about everything a single person has to know about modern dating.
We also publish videos every day on our Youtube channel and TikTok
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
Emyli Lovz of emlovz On How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.