Seeking Support Systems: Engaging in therapy, joining support groups, or simply confiding in trusted friends can provide encouragement and accountability. I remember coaching a group where participants shared their small wins and challenges weekly, fostering resilience through shared experiences.
In today’s society, the tendency to prioritize others’ needs and expectations over one’s own can lead to significant emotional and psychological challenges. In this series, we would like to explore the complex dynamics of people-pleasing behavior and its impact on individual well-being and relationships. We would like to discuss the root causes of people-pleasing behavior, its effects on personal and professional life, and practical steps for cultivating healthier relationships and self-esteem. We hope that this series can provide insights, strategies, and real-life experiences that can help individuals navigate and overcome the pitfalls of being a people pleaser. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Francesca Budesheim, Founder of Low-Key Spiritual.
Francesca is a therapeutic coach with a master’s degree in clinical social work and over a decade of experience counseling. Combining her extensive training in both Eastern and Western therapeutic modalities, she has created a unique approach that helps individuals break free from anxiety, people-pleasing, and self-doubt. Her passion is guiding others to set healthy boundaries and step fully into their authentic selves.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
I grew up in a household that could often be tumultuous, where love and worth were closely tied to achievements — whether it was scoring goals on the field or bringing home A’s on my report card. This environment instilled in me a deep-seated belief that my value was dependent on how well I could meet expectations and earn approval. It’s no surprise that I became highly attuned to the emotions and needs of those around me, striving to please and excel at all costs. Over time, these patterns of behavior shaped not only my sense of self but also my relationships with others. It wasn’t until I reached my late teens and early adulthood that I began to recognize the difference between seeking connection and sacrificing my own well-being to maintain it. This realization became the cornerstone of my journey toward breaking free from people-pleasing tendencies and ultimately shaped my passion for helping others do the same in my professional life.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
I am a therapeutic coach with a master’s degree in clinical social work and over a decade of experience in counseling. My career began in traditional therapy settings, where I witnessed firsthand the challenges people face in breaking free from cycles of anxiety and self-doubt. As I deepened my training in both Western psychology and Eastern practices like yoga and mindfulness, I began to see how a more integrated approach could empower individuals to transform their mindset. This insight led me to develop a coaching practice that supports people in recognizing their worth, setting boundaries, and rediscovering their true selves without being tethered to the approval of others.
Thank you for all that. Let’s now turn to the main focus of our discussion about People Pleasing. To make sure that we are all on the same page, let’s begin with a simple definition. What does “People Pleaser” mean to you?
To me, a “people pleaser” is someone who consistently prioritizes the needs, desires, and expectations of others above their own, often at the expense of their own emotional and mental well-being. This behavior stems from a deep desire to gain acceptance, avoid conflict, or maintain a sense of belonging, but it can lead to significant challenges when it becomes a default response.
On the surface, it seems like being a person who wants to please others is a good thing. Can you help articulate a few of the challenges that come with being a people pleaser?
Of course! People-pleasing can result in chronic stress and burnout, as individuals often stretch themselves too thin trying to meet the expectations of others. It can erode self-esteem because the focus remains external rather than internal. Additionally, people pleasers might struggle with expressing their true thoughts and feelings, which can lead to feelings of resentment, frustration, and a diminished sense of self.
Does being a people pleaser give you certain advantages? Can you explain?
Yes, there can be perceived advantages. People pleasers are often seen as reliable, caring, and easy to work with, which can foster trust and positive social interactions. However, these benefits come with the risk of being taken for granted or not being seen as a leader or decision-maker, as they might avoid asserting themselves.
Can you describe a moment in your life when you realized that your own people-pleasing behavior was more harmful than helpful?
I remember a time when I accepted far too many responsibilities at work, believing that saying “yes” would demonstrate my commitment and value. However, this led to sleepless nights, overwhelming stress, and the realization that I was depleting myself to meet expectations that weren’t aligned with my priorities. It was a wake-up call that taught me the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say “no” as an act of self-respect.
In your opinion, what are the common root causes of people-pleasing behavior?
People-pleasing often stems from childhood experiences where validation was linked to good behavior, compliance, or helping others. Other contributing factors include low self-esteem, fear of rejection or abandonment, and cultural or societal conditioning that emphasizes self-sacrifice and harmony over individual needs.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact personal relationships?
In personal relationships, people-pleasing can create an imbalance where one person is always giving more than they receive. This can lead to feelings of resentment or emotional exhaustion over time, as the pleaser may feel unseen or unappreciated. It can also prevent authentic connections from forming, as the person may hide their true thoughts or feelings to maintain peace.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact professional relationships?
Professionally, people-pleasing can hinder career growth. While it may initially make someone appear cooperative and dependable, it can also signal to colleagues and supervisors that the individual lacks assertiveness. This can lead to being overlooked for leadership roles or promotions and can result in an unhealthy work-life balance as boundaries become blurred.
How can long-term people-pleasing behavior impact an individual’s mental health?
Long-term people-pleasing can contribute to chronic stress, anxiety, and even depression. When someone constantly puts others’ needs first, their own desires and well-being can feel neglected, leading to a diminished sense of identity and worth. Over time, this can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and make it difficult for individuals to reconnect with their own aspirations and values.
In your experience, what is the role of self-awareness in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies, and how can individuals cultivate it?
Self-awareness is essential in recognizing when and why people-pleasing behaviors arise. Cultivating this awareness involves reflecting on one’s motivations, noticing patterns of behavior, and exploring the underlying fears or beliefs driving these tendencies. Techniques such as journaling, mindfulness meditation, and working with a therapeutic coach can help individuals build this awareness and start to make more intentional choices.
Here is the primary question of our discussion. Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Strategies Or Techniques That Can Help Individuals Break Free From The Cycle Of People-Pleasing”? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.
- Developing Self-Awareness: The first step is recognizing when and why the behavior is happening. Journaling or mindfulness exercises can be invaluable for this. For instance, I once worked with a client who realized through journaling that she consistently said “yes” at work to avoid feeling inadequate. Understanding that fear was driving her decisions allowed her to start making conscious changes.
- Setting Small Boundaries: Start with manageable boundaries to build confidence. One client practiced saying “I need to check my schedule and get back to you” instead of an immediate “yes.” This gave her time to evaluate her capacity and respond authentically.
- Reframing Negative Self-Talk: People pleasers often battle with inner criticism when they prioritize themselves. Countering thoughts like “I’m being selfish” with affirmations such as “I am worthy of my own time and energy” can help rewire the brain. A personal example is when I used this technique myself during a period of professional burnout, transforming guilt into self-acceptance.
- Practicing Assertive Communication: Learning to express wants and needs clearly is crucial. One client practiced phrases like “I appreciate your request, but I won’t be able to take that on” to shift from passive compliance to empowered choice. It’s a skill that grows with practice and reinforces self-respect.
- Seeking Support Systems: Engaging in therapy, joining support groups, or simply confiding in trusted friends can provide encouragement and accountability. I remember coaching a group where participants shared their small wins and challenges weekly, fostering resilience through shared experiences.
What steps should people pleasers take to establish healthier boundaries?
People pleasers should start by identifying their own needs and limits. This could be done through self-reflection, journaling, or speaking with a coach or therapist. Next, they can practice setting boundaries in low-stakes situations, gradually building to more challenging ones. Clear, respectful communication is key. Learning to say “no” or “not right now” without excessive justification is a powerful tool in boundary-setting.
How can someone who is naturally empathetic maintain their compassion while becoming more assertive?
Balancing empathy and assertiveness involves acknowledging one’s own needs as valid. It’s about reframing assertiveness as a way to maintain energy and compassion sustainably. An empathetic person can practice active listening while also expressing, “I understand where you’re coming from, and here’s what I need.” This duality preserves relationships while nurturing self-respect.
What are the most common misconceptions about people pleasers, and how do these misconceptions affect their journey toward recovery?
A major misconception is that people pleasers are always weak or lack confidence. In reality, many are highly capable, intelligent individuals whose strengths — such as empathy and adaptability — are simply overused. This misconception can make it harder for people pleasers to acknowledge their behavior as a problem, delaying their path to change. Recognizing their worth beyond others’ approval is essential for recovery.
What role can therapy or counseling play in helping individuals overcome people-pleasing behavior?
Therapy provides a safe space to explore underlying beliefs and patterns contributing to people-pleasing. It helps individuals identify root causes, such as past trauma or conditioning, and equips them with tools for change. Cognitive-behavioral techniques, mindfulness, and assertiveness training can all play roles in reshaping these deeply ingrained habits.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I would start a movement called “Boundaries Are Love,” focusing on reframing boundaries as acts of love and respect, not just for oneself but for others. This movement would provide educational resources, workshops, and global discussions about the importance of healthy boundaries for emotional and relational well-being. Understanding that saying “no” or setting limits is a way to preserve one’s ability to give fully would empower countless individuals to live more balanced and authentic lives.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
Readers can follow my work and access resources through multiple platforms. You can connect with me on Instagram at @lowkeyspiritual, where I share tips, reflections, and updates related to mental health and personal growth. For more comprehensive self-guided support, consider joining the Low-Key Club, an online private platform that provides a library of evidence-based healing resources and tools. Finally, if you’re looking for more personalized guidance, I am currently accepting clients for 1:1 coaching. This is an opportunity to work with me directly on overcoming people-pleasing, building confidence, and embracing your authentic self. All this info can be found on my social, @lowkeyspiritual, or on my site: www.lowkeyspiritual.com
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
Francesca Budesheim of Low-Key Spiritual On How to Recover From Being a People Pleaser was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.