A Positive Mindset. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, you have to stay positive. It’s easy to get swept up in all of the craziness of the modern dating scene and feel like you will never be able to find “the one”. However, when you internalize those negative beliefs and put that energy out there, you’ll find that it will only attract more of the same. Self-care and a trusted network are essential ingredients in this process, as they can help give you an extra boost when things seem tough. Being positive and confident not only feels better on a personal level, but it also makes you more attractive to potential partners–it’s a win-win. It can be discouraging when a date doesn’t go well, but you have to adopt a growth mindset and remember that, if it didn’t go well, that means that you and the other person were not the right match. It doesn’t say anything negative about either of you, and it can help you clarify what you want so that, when the right person does come along, you two can truly connect.
In today’s fast-paced and interconnected world, finding and maintaining meaningful romantic relationships can be a daunting task. From navigating dating apps to managing expectations in a digital age, there are numerous challenges individuals face in their quest for love. Through this series, we would like to explore the complexities of modern dating and relationships, offering insights, advice, and strategies for navigating the often confusing landscape of love in the 21st century. In this series, we are talking to experts in psychology, relationship coaching, sociology, matchmaking, and individuals with personal experiences navigating the modern dating scene, to share their knowledge, perspectives, and stories. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Lisa Goodman.
Lisa Goodman is a dating expert and a Vice President of Selective Search, a premier luxury matchmaking firm with the highest success rate (87%) and largest candidate network (250,000+ single) in the industry. Lisa has an extensive track record of helping single men and women find love, working closely with individuals to help them find deeply compatible and committed partners. Lisa is especially known for her expertise in post-divorce dating, and has been featured in a variety of media including FOX Chicago, WGN, and numerous dating/relationship-focused podcasts.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
Before coming to Selective Search, I worked in the not-for-profit sector of the healthcare industry, running capital campaigns for cancer centers and treatments. This was a formative experience for me, as it helped me discover that my true passion in life was for creating deep, lasting connections between people and doing work that directly and tangibly benefits others. Moving into the matchmaking industry, I got to take this passion for connection and put it to one of the best uses imaginable: helping others find love. It’s such a deeply rewarding experience to get to watch someone’s life change before your very eyes, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
I help amazing people find the love of their life! It truly is a job like no other, and every day is wonderfully different from the last. Working in matchmaking was truly the perfect path for me, as it has allowed me to pursue my passion for helping others live their best and healthiest lives while also building on my lifelong fascination with love and relationships. I am a people person at heart, and the core of this job is all about working directly with people to help them find that special person who enriches their life and helps them build the lives they want to build. It really is a perfect fit, and I find that I am constantly learning and growing through my engagements with others.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
- Empathy. I believe that, in a leadership role, empathy is not a weakness but a profound strength. This is because empathy enables you to connect with people on a deeper level and to really discover what their needs are. The best leaders don’t force their own vision onto other people, but instead help others to meet their needs. In matchmaking especially, empathy is extremely important, because making a match that will stand the test of time requires you to truly get to know each client. You have to clearly understand their desires and needs in order to find them a person who will be capable of meeting those needs for the long run. In matchmaking, you can’t let your personal biases or preferences get in the way of making the right decision for someone else, and that’s not always an easy thing to do. Genuine empathy is the secret ingredient for making matches that don’t just sound good on paper, but actually work in the real world.
- Persistence. Persistence is one of the most important traits you can have as a leader in any industry. Not only is persistence helpful on a personal level, as it allows you to overcome obstacles and learn from your mistakes, but it can also create a domino effect. For example, a large percentage of our clients come to Selective Search because they haven’t experienced any success on dating apps and are looking to try something new. It’s not uncommon for people to feel like they want to give up on love entirely after going through a string of unsuccessful dates or short-term relationships. At Selective Search, we pride ourselves on working tirelessly to help every client find the exact match that’s right for them, and clients have often told me that their experience of watching us devote so much effort to helping them find love has inspired them to keep on searching. As a leader, being persistent helps those around you feel a greater sense of hope and purpose, which is essential for creating truly successful partnerships.
- Enthusiasm. Enthusiasm is often underrated as a leadership skill, but I believe it to be essential. When you, as a leader, take genuine delight in your work, you do a much better job at it, and this helps inspire those around you. People notice enthusiasm and respond well to it, and it creates more positive relationships among clients and coworkers. I think that sense of enthusiasm is often what underlies other important qualities–such as persistence–and it leads to truly memorable customer experiences. I’ve found that, when clients have come to me with their fears and doubts about being unlovable or never being able to find the right match, offering them positive affirmations and showing real enthusiasm is one of the most important things I can do. This simple change in attitude is often what makes the biggest difference in their matchmaking journey.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
I am a frequent guest on podcasts and speaker series that involve finding love…or finding love again! Helping individuals find encore love is a big part of what we do at Selective Search, and I think it’s so important to help people overcome misconceptions about dating after divorce and build confidence that will last a lifetime. I love giving talks and engaging in conversations about encore love because I feel that it really resonates with people on a deep level. It helps them feel like someone else has been through similar experiences to them and is on their team, wanting to see them succeed and live their best life. Sometimes, words of encouragement make a world of difference, and it truly is a privilege to get to be that supportive voice.
For the benefit of our readers, can you briefly tell our readers why you are an authority on the topic of dating and finding love?
As the Vice President of Client Relations at Selective Search, I live and breathe all things love and dating. Every day, I work directly with both our clients and our matchmaking team to ensure that each client’s journey is as efficient, effective, and enjoyable as possible. I am treated to incredible, inspiring stories of people finding love at all stages of their lives, overcoming hardships such as divorce or bereavement and working to create a brighter tomorrow. I have gotten to know so many different people over the course of my career and have seen so many successful, loving, committed relationships blossom that my perspective on love is now completely different than what it had been before I started in this industry. As someone who has been through a divorce myself, and who emerged on the other side and found love again, I truly have seen it all, and I think it has helped me develop a unique understanding of what it takes to date and find love in today’s world.
Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love’. Based on your experience, what is a common root cause of the “inability to find love”?
In my experience, I have found that there is no such thing as an inability to find love–we are all deserving of love and we are all capable of finding it. The biggest barrier is simply a lack of hope or belief in one’s own ability to find love. When we don’t think we deserve love, we lose hope in ourselves and become closed off to others, making it difficult to approach dating with an enthusiastic and confident mindset. When we begin to see dating as a chore, and not as a fun and unique opportunity to learn more about ourselves and other people, we aren’t able to give it the energy it deserves. I don’t think that dating apps are the cause of this, but they can certainly worsen some of these feelings, as dating begins to feel more like a second job than an organic and special part of your life. I think that, to get beyond the damaging belief that we will be unable to find love, it’s important to develop a mindset of hope and positivity and be more selective, opting for quality over quantity of dates. This can help you rekindle your love for love and become the best version of yourself–the one that is not afraid to seek out the relationship you deserve.
What are some common misconceptions or myths about finding love in the modern world, and how can they be debunked?
One of the most common misconceptions about dating in the modern world is that you need to be on the apps in order to do it. Although dating apps are very popular, people sometimes speak as if they are the only possible way to meet somebody, and that is simply not true. Dating apps have not replaced earlier, time-tested methods of finding love–they are simply another option that works for some people and not for others. When people are struggling on dating apps, they often feel like it’s their own fault, and that the only solution is pouring even more time and energy into the app. Instead, taking a step back and trying something else, like meeting people out in the world or working with a matchmaker, can be just the change that people need to get their confidence back and rediscover the real joy of dating.
There is also a persistent myth in our culture–which is perhaps reinforced by the way that dating apps are structured–that tells us that, when dating, we should opt for quantity of matches over quality. There are many fish in the sea, as the saying goes, and the common advice is to cast as wide a net as possible. However, this often leads to a greater quantity of incompatible and unsatisfying matches, which can lead to fatigue and burnout. Slowing the process down and focusing your energy only on matches that seem to have real long-term potential makes your dating experience feel richer and more meaningful. A series of less-than-memorable dates can be highly discouraging, and this can create a cycle that makes future dates less enjoyable. Shifting your perspective to focus on quality can break this cycle and deliver more real, lasting satisfaction.
What advice do you have for individuals who feel overwhelmed or disillusioned by the challenges of modern dating, and how can they maintain hope and optimism in their search for love?
My main piece of advice would be to know your worth and be selective. The overwhelming amount of possible connections on any one app at any given time hugely increases the chances of incompatible matches, and going on enough unsuccessful dates can lead you to question your own worth. In order to find real love, you have to believe yourself to be worthy of love, and you have to be able to feel that love towards yourself. I always remind my discouraged clients to practice self-love and self-care first. This helps them not to settle and to raise themselves up to the relationship they really want and deserve rather than lowering themselves to one that doesn’t truly meet their needs. It can feel difficult at times, but I try to emphasize that it isn’t just about finding a relationship–it’s about finding the relationship that works for them.
I also like to remind my clients that, while the tools and technologies of dating might have changed radically over the past few decades, love itself has stayed the same. The same things that have always mattered–mutual respect, shared values, good communication, and enjoying each other’s company–are still what matters today. When we emphasize what we are looking for rather than how we are looking for it, we can develop a healthier attitude toward dating and be more selective and intentional in our approach. It’s important not to lose faith in love, since believing in love is always the first step to achieving it.
Let’s explore how the rise of social media and dating apps has impacted the way individuals approach and experience dating and relationships. Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use social media to find love?
DO:
Be Careful. Any time you are using a dating app or social media platform, you need to proceed with the utmost caution. The individuals using these platforms have not been through any vetting process, and the platforms are structured in a way that makes it very easy for people to deceive others, for a whole host of reasons. Not only can it be hard to verify the exact identity of the person you’re chatting with — sometimes it can be hard to even verify that they’re human and not a bot! It’s a good idea to educate yourself on common scam techniques to ensure that you don’t fall victim to any dishonest behavior. If things seem to be going well and you hope to meet up with the person in real life, always make sure to FaceTime them beforehand to confirm their identity, and to meet in public rather than at one of your homes. This will help ensure your physical and financial safety.
Be Honest. The problem of transparency on social media cuts both ways. If you are hoping to find a genuinely compatible match, you should try to make your profile as honest as possible and to be truthful when communicating with the other person. In addition to posting real photos of yourself and being open about your interests, you should try to be honest with your matches about exactly what kind of relationship you are looking for. It is generally more difficult to communicate via social media than through more direct forms, whether in person or via FaceTime, so it’s important to be as open and precise as possible in order to prevent miscommunication and misunderstanding.
DON’T:
Comment On Every Post. If you do manage to begin a relationship by using social media, it’s important to take that relationship beyond the platform. Especially if you are in the early stages of getting to know the person, immediately commenting on everything they post can be off-putting. While a comment every once in a while can be a nice gesture, too many comments can come across as overbearing. Similarly, it’s important to not be messaging them constantly. Using other forms of communication and letting some time go by between conversations is important for getting to know one another on a deeper level. Constant communication does not equal intimacy — it’s more important to have higher quality interactions rather than messaging your date about every little thing that is happening in your daily life.
Talk About Social Media In Real Life. Early on in a relationship, it’s common to mostly focus your conversations on shared experiences: if you met at university, for example, you might spend a lot of time talking about the student life, or if you met while golfing, you might discuss how to improve your form. When it comes to dating through social media, however, it’s best to avoid talking exclusively about posts the other has made or funny videos that you’ve sent each other. Let what’s on the internet stay on the internet and instead try to learn more about their hobbies, interests, and memories.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use dating apps to find love?
DO:
Set Hard Limits. One of the major cons of dating apps is that they can allow you to match with and talk with more potential partners than at any other time in history. This can quickly get overwhelming and result in your individual interactions feeling less meaningful as a result. The “always-on” quality of dating apps can make it difficult to know where to draw your boundaries, which can quickly lead to burnout. If you are planning on using a dating app, you should try to set personal limits on how much time you spend using them so that you can preserve your energy and safeguard yourself from heartbreak and burnout.
Know What You Want. Mismatched expectations are always a cause of strain and difficulty in relationships, and this can be exacerbated on dating apps, as it’s harder to know when someone else is telling the truth. It’s impossible to guarantee that other people are being honest with their intentions when connecting over dating apps, so the best thing you can do is just to be honest yourself. If you are looking for a long-term partner, you should let prospective dates know this right away: craving a long-term relationship and then ending up in a series of short-term situationships can be emotionally crushing. Even if being up front about your needs makes it more difficult to find dates, it will be better for your heart in the long run.
FaceTime Before Meeting Up. When it comes to dating apps, you can never be too careful. What you see is not always what you get, and many people use dating apps to deceive others for a whole host of different reasons. To keep yourself safe, and to establish a baseline of compatibility, it’s essential to schedule a video chat before your first in-person date. It doesn’t have to be very long, but you should use it as an opportunity to gauge whether the person you’ve matched with really is who they say they are.
DON’T:
Swipe Right On Too Many People. Dating apps are structured in a way that can make you say “yes” to more people than you ever would in real life. With so little information to go on, it can be tempting to just swipe right on every profile that seems potentially appealing and get to know people better from there. However, this can quickly result in an overwhelming amount of messages and dates that you simply can’t keep up with, actually making it harder to connect with any individual date. Limiting yourself to a small number of truly promising candidates is the best way to increase your chances of finding a viable date.
Pursue Someone Who’s Ghosting You. Ghosting is a common phenomenon on dating apps. It’s not uncommon for things to be going well and for one party to suddenly stop replying to the other altogether. Ghosting also happens in the form of constantly pushing back dates and avoiding seeing the other in real life. If this is happening to you, it’s best to just leave it. Even if the person seemed promising, the fact of their ghosting you is a clear sign that they are not all that they’ve made themselves out to be. You can end up putting way too much energy and time into pursuit, and you do not have the baseline trust to know that they will come back. This can be an emotionally exhausting and confusing process, and it’s best just to avoid it altogether.
Go Entirely Off Of Photos. Dating apps encourage users to make decisions based heavily on looks. Although physical attraction is important, it is only one ingredient in a relationship. There needs to be much deeper compatibility for the partnership to have any chance at success. When searching through singles, you should really take time to look through and digest their entire profile. Ask yourself if this seems like a person whose values and interests complement yours, and take some time to think about your decision before going through with it. Dating apps often encourage split-second swiping, but this does not lay the groundwork for a meaningful long term relationship.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about looking for romance in real-life physical spaces like congregations, bars, markets, and conventions?
DO:
Be Courteous. One of the advantages of dating apps is that, presumably, everybody who is on them is on them because they’re interested in meeting someone for a date. Out in the world, things are not always so cut and dry, and it can be difficult to tell if someone reciprocates your feelings. For that reason, it’s important to be somewhat up-front about your intentions, but no so up-front that you come off as rude, crass, or intimidating. It’s important to pay attention to context and avoid approaching them if they are already occupied, or if they clearly are not looking for romance at that venue. Being up-front but also courteous will leave an overall better impression than simply walking up and trying out those pickup lines you read online.
Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone. If you’ve lived in one place for a while, there’s a good chance that you’ve figured out what your favorite spots in the city are and tend to frequent those places fairly often. However, if you haven’t ever met a date in any of those old haunts before, it’s unlikely that a new connection will suddenly come out of the blue. If you are looking to meet someone new, consider visiting a park you haven’t been to before or finally checking out that new bar or café that everybody is talking about. This can help you spread your net a little wider while also discovering something new about where you live.
DON’T:
Follow Up Too Intensely. If you’ve managed to meet a date and get their number or connect with them over social media, it’s important not to follow up too quickly or intensely. It’s good to give them some time to reminisce on the date and think about you, as this helps create more curiosity and excitement. A cordial thanks after the date is fine, but immediately striking up a nonstop text conversation can cheapen the initial interaction, and can even come off as overbearing. If anything, you should wait a day or two and then text them strictly to set up the next date–this will help create more anticipation and make the coming date feel more like a real event.
What are your thoughts about the challenges and opportunities that come with workplace romances?
Although it sounds like a great way to meet someone, you need to think ahead and proceed with caution. For many of us, work is a kind of second home, and, while this does create certain opportunities for connecting with others, it is also the source of numerous potential difficulties. If you’re ever thinking of pursuing such a relationship, you will need to consider all of the “what if’s” and ask yourself some potentially difficult questions.
For example, if the relationship ends, will this result in a bad company culture or working relationship? Does your company disapprove of such relationships? Can you handle day-to-day life in the same environment as your ex? These questions might seem like remote possibilities in the beginning, and they might be uncomfortable to consider, but they are very real possibilities, and their effects ripple out beyond just you and your partner.
Can you discuss the role of vulnerability and authenticity in forming meaningful connections and finding lasting love?
Vulnerability is an absolutely essential part of any thriving relationship. Even the best relationships occasionally run into obstacles, and vulnerability is one of the most important tools for navigating these situations. Being able to be fully honest and open with your partner helps you get at the deeper roots of any issues that arise, allowing you to work on the causes rather than the effects. This is important for creating shared understanding and establishing a baseline for working through any difficulties in the future. It’s not easy to open up to others about your more personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences, but if the relationship is strong, the other person will be able to give you the space to express these parts of you in a way that feels comfortable and even cathartic. We’re often told to play it cool and be “hard to get”, but in the long term, these attitudes can get in the way of real intimacy. Only vulnerability can allow you to access these parts of the relationship and deepen your bond.
Authenticity is also profoundly important in relationships. A healthy relationship should allow you to feel like a fuller, richer version of yourself; it should not feel like you are compromising or sacrificing important parts of yourself to please the other person. Romantic relationships are often the most important relationships in our lives, so why would we bring anything less than our whole selves to them? There is no reason to be anything other than your true self, even on a first or second date! Nothing truly deep or meaningful can come from pretending or putting on airs. As scary as it may seem, this is where the vulnerability comes in and lets your date or new partner get to know your true self.
Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Things You Need To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love”?
1. Clear Goals. Going out into the dating world without a clear idea of what you want can serve to make the process even more confusing. It’s common for people to know that they just want to be in love and to date someone, but not to have a clear idea of what they want beyond this. This can set you up for heartbreak, as you may only discover exactly what you want after it’s too late. Going around thinking that you just want something short term and then having your heart broken by someone you really could have had a long-term relationship with is truly devastating. Self-reflection is not always easy, but it’s a necessary first step to getting what you want and ensuring that your relationship meets your real needs. It’s often hard to just sit down and think about these big-picture questions, so talking with friends and family, or a professional such as a therapist or matchmaker, can be very helpful and illuminating.
2. Defined Boundaries. Dating can be one of life’s great joys, but, if you’re not careful, it can quickly become like a full-time job, leaving you burnt out and exhausted. Especially in the era of dating apps, it can be difficult to know when to turn it off and just let things take their course. No matter how you are looking for love, it’s important not to let the search consume your entire life. Taking time for self-care and seeing friends and loved ones is not only important for your mental health, but it can help you be your best self, which will ultimately put you in a better position to build a serious relationship when you finally do meet that special person. With apps especially, it’s important to be mindful of your time and know when to stop: dating should be integrated into your life, and not the other way around.
3. High Standards. There can sometimes be a stigma around the concept of having high standards, but, in reality, it is absolutely essential to dating success. High standards does not mean wanting something that’s impossible to get: it means knowing what your needs are, understanding your boundaries and deal-breakers, and refusing to compromise for a person who will not respect these non-negotiables. Being selective when dating and only going out with people that seem to have real long-term potential will save you time, save you money, and increase your chances of finding a match that has what it takes to last. Having high standards means being honest with yourself and with others and prioritizing quality over quantity at all times. It is, in a way, a form of self-care, as it helps you protect yourself from dates that are not willing to honor the qualities that make you who you really are. Everyone wants a relationship where they can thrive and feel like their authentic selves, and you cannot achieve that without holding your dates to a high standard.
4. A Support System. Dating is not always easy, but the good news is that you do not have to pursue it alone. Having a strong support system, including friends and family who know you well, is hugely important for helping you keep your head up and maintain positivity during the more difficult moments of the process. It also gives you people that you can share the joy with, making it an even more enriching experience. At Selective Search, we do not simply match our clients and then leave them to their own: we are with them every step of the way, acting as a trusted confidante to help them reflect on their experiences and grow from them. We do this because, even though dating is, in a way, a very individual journey, consulting a trusted third party can help you see perspectives you might not otherwise have considered and to get a better, clearer view of your own patterns and preferences. It’s not always easy to take a step back and be objective when dating, so having someone to confide in is a major asset.
5. A Positive Mindset. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, you have to stay positive. It’s easy to get swept up in all of the craziness of the modern dating scene and feel like you will never be able to find “the one”. However, when you internalize those negative beliefs and put that energy out there, you’ll find that it will only attract more of the same. Self-care and a trusted network are essential ingredients in this process, as they can help give you an extra boost when things seem tough. Being positive and confident not only feels better on a personal level, but it also makes you more attractive to potential partners–it’s a win-win. It can be discouraging when a date doesn’t go well, but you have to adopt a growth mindset and remember that, if it didn’t go well, that means that you and the other person were not the right match. It doesn’t say anything negative about either of you, and it can help you clarify what you want so that, when the right person does come along, you two can truly connect.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?
When it comes to podcasts, I love listening to a few murder mysteries and Smartless for fun. I also enjoy The Daily (WSJ) and Morning Meeting with Michael Hainey to stay up to date on current events and interesting topics around the globe. In relation to dating, there are so many options out there that it can even get a bit overwhelming!
There are also numerous great books about love out there, but I find myself coming back to The 5 Love Languages more often than any other book. It’s just a great, straightforward read that contains some easily actionable insights to help you get a clearer idea of how you (and your partner) show and receive love!
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?
I am a big believer in bettering our planet for the next generations! Climate change just can’t be ignored any longer. I’d love to see the young people get behind this and I would definitely jump in to support their efforts!
How can our readers further follow your work online?
Readers can follow my work on the Selective Search website, as well as on my LinkedIn page, where I share new information on health, dating, finding new love, building solid relationships, and so much more!
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
Lisa Goodman of Selective Search On How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.