Get Clear and Stay Open — Speaking from personal experience and working with my clients, many of us are not 100% clear on what we’re looking for. What type of person will bring out the best in me? How do I want to feel when I’m with this person? What does a healthy long-term committed relationship look like for me? Taking the time to go through this process, on your own or with the guidance of a dating coach or matchmaker, is a critical early step in the process to find your person.
In today’s fast-paced and interconnected world, finding and maintaining meaningful romantic relationships can be a daunting task. From navigating dating apps to managing expectations in a digital age, there are numerous challenges individuals face in their quest for love. Through this series, we would like to explore the complexities of modern dating and relationships, offering insights, advice, and strategies for navigating the often confusing landscape of love in the 21st century. In this series, we are talking to experts in psychology, relationship coaching, sociology, matchmaking, and individuals with personal experiences navigating the modern dating scene, to share their knowledge, perspectives, and stories. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Lisa Ratner.
Lisa is a matchmaker and dating coach based in the Greater Washington Metro area. Late last year, she decided to make a major career change, jumping into the growing matchmaking industry. With her professional experience steeped in strengthening human relationships in the workplace and her own decades-long journey to find her person, Lisa offers a unique, personalized, hands-on approach. Whether it’s building the confidence to get back into the dating scene, switching up a tired dating strategy, or taking the time to define the ideal partner for a long-term relationship, Lisa provides the support, guidance, honesty, and tough love to help her clients achieve their dating and relationship goals.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
I grew up in Greensburg, PA, which is southeast of Pittsburgh. With many kids in the same age range as my brother and me, we had kickball games in the street, were on our bikes from after school until dinner, and our families gathered at a different house each year for an annual holiday party. My dad was in the family car business and I went to grade school in the school district where my mom was a teacher for 30 years.
For high school I ventured further to Shady Side Academy in the Fox Chapel suburb of Pittsburgh, where I was a five-day boarder. Summers between the ages of 10–16 were spent at Camp Walden, an all girls camp in Denmark, Maine, about to celebrate its 110th anniversary next year! I was fortunate to have grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins nearby which made holiday meals especially fun, and loud, and chaotic at times, but always with tables of delicious food.
With a love of New England after spending 7 glorious summers in Maine, I got my B.S. in Environmental Studies from UVM, and loved every minute of living in gorgeous Burlington, VT for four years, and remain close with my college besties to this day. However, the west coast was calling and after a year-long internship in Illinois, I moved to Santa Barbara, CA with a friend from UVM. After five years, I moved north to San Francisco where I spent the next 12 years in online advertising and then with Great Place to Work Institute, the workplace culture consulting firm that produces the annual FORTUNE 100 Best Companies to Work for list.
I moved back east to Washington, D.C. in Oct 2012 to be closer to my immediate family, and worked for research and advisory firm, CEB/Gartner for nine years, before joining Workhuman, the employee recognition SAS company, for a unique opportunity to expand the Workhuman Certification business.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
After 20+ years in the HR space, I made the decision to leave the corporate world late last year. My plan was to take a step back, have conversations with people in my professional and personal networks, and decide what my next move would be. Through this process, I realized I was ready for a new challenge focused on coaching extraordinary humans and having a meaningful impact on their lives.
Through a casual conversation with my cousin, who mentioned a friend that was taking courses to become a matchmaker, I had an epiphany of sorts… thinking aloud “OMG, should I be a matchmaker?”
With my own heartache, dating for decades and personal struggle to find my now-husband at the age of 45, the idea of a career focused on helping singles find their person seemed like the perfect pivot.
In March, I received a certification in professional matchmaking through the Global Love Institute, the longest running matchmaking school in the world, and officially launched Lisa Ratner Matchmaking & Coaching in May.
My services are personalized, based on my client’s timeline and preferences. I’m basically a personal executive recruiter, saving time and accelerating the process to find a connection that works. I’m also an accountability partner to help clients get clear on their dating and relationship goals to draw in the types of people they’re excited to meet. Clients become a member of my confidential database, and if their profile aligns with a matchmaking client, they’ll have the chance to meet a carefully selected compatible match and potential life partner.
I’m all-in and ready for this new chapter in my career! If I can save singles precious time & money and alleviate heartache & stress by helping them find compatible, suitable, quality matches, I’ll know I’ve landed in the right place.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
- Prioritize people to cultivate relationships with colleagues and clients alike:
For me, every client relationship is linked to a person’s professional and/or personal goals. So while I have partnered with hundreds of clients during my tenure at Workhuman, CEB/Gartner, and Great Place to Work®, regardless of the services provided, I’ve consistently shown up as a collaborative thought-partner. Only after understanding my clients’ challenges and the problems they are needing to solve, can I recommend the right solution to accelerate progress toward their critical goals and outcomes. In my corporate roles, nothing energized me more than seeing my clients and their teams achieve annual business plans and/or seeing them excel in their current roles leading to promotions.
In addition to my commitment to delivering value and customer excellence, internally, I feel tremendous pride in being a trusted leader, coach, mentor, and go-to creative business partner for direct reports, commercial leaders, and peers.
2 . Cross-functional, collaborative problem-solver:
To quote Simon Sinek, “Failure we can do alone. Success always takes help”.
Very early in my career, and in life, I realized that the key to getting stuff done depended on cross-functional collaboration with others. Identifying those key players, whether it be leadership, peers, and specialists, is also critical to your success. Developing these skills throughout my career has allowed me to engage, inspire, and influence the right people, with a bias toward action to achieve a common vision and goals.
3 . Flexible, adaptable, and comfortable working in ambiguous uncertain environments:
Anyone in the corporate world since the first tech bubble burst in 2001 can tell you that change in the workplace is constant. If you can’t get on board with a new company vision, major organization change, layoffs, leadership shifts, etc., etc., then you’ll be swimming upstream feeling miserable.
Another lesson I learned early in my career was to ride the wave of organizational change. Three months after I was hired into Patagonia’s creative services department, the company went through a massive leadership and organization structure change which involved a “voluntary separation package” for employees who wanted to leave — with 6 months pay and 12 months paid benefits. Employees were whispering in the halls and the stairwells for weeks. And I just landed a job with my dream company. While I knew I wasn’t going anywhere, dozens of employees, including some new friends and peers, took the separation package. It was a stressful time of uncertainty for the company and instead of wallowing in the down energy, I made the decision to put my head down, work hard, and find openings and opportunities for me to shine. Being able to lead and coach high-performing teams through large-scale organization change at places like Gartner and Workhuman was instrumental in my growth both professionally and personally.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
I recently launched my business which is THE exciting new project in my life. I’ll be planning some singles events for the fall, which will help build my database and bring singles together IRL. Connecting with people in person is a critical muscle to build for singles today who have spent so much time and energy with online dating.
Whether someone is newly single, anxious about their internal clock ticking, or looking to enhance their online profile and dating experience, hiring a dating coach may be one of the best things they can do for their personal life and overall wellness.
My goal is to connect with singles to do a deep dive review of their past dating and relationship experiences, spend time identifying blind spots, and pinpoint what’s in the way of finding the relationship they desire. I help singles shift their mindset, gain insight into how their actions are perceived, and cultivate their relationship potential to help them approach new dating situations with self-compassion, clarity, authenticity, and a newfound confidence.
For the benefit of our readers, can you briefly tell our readers why you are an authority on the topic of dating and finding love?
I’ve been in your shoes. I’ve been ghosted. I’ve redone my profile dozens of times. I’ve deleted the apps thinking I’d met the one, then reactivated my profile with renewed, cautious optimism. I’ve spent countless hours wondering if I would ever find my person.
After dating for decades, I met my now-husband at age 45. On Bumble. We dated for five years before getting married on September 30, 2023, in Washington, DC. It was a magical event and I can say now, good things come to those who persevere and stay open!
Since I’ve been there, my approach to matchmaking recognizes every path to love is unique. I’m here to help shift your mindset, envision and articulate what you’re looking for, and create a plan to keep you moving forward and find love.
In addition to receiving my certification in professional matchmaking from the Global Love Institute, I spent 20+ years as a leader in corporate sales, relationship management, and client engagement strategy advising HR leaders. I know the power of human connection. I’ve developed teams of talented humans and cultivated hundreds of client relationships as a collaborative thought partner. This invaluable experience in the corporate world has informed my unique perspective and approach to matchmaking. I can’t wait to hear your story; together we can find your person!
Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love’. Based on your experience, what is a common root cause of the “inability to find love”?
I must say, I don’t love the term “inability to find love”. Or the question, “Why are you still single”?
In my experience, times of being single versus in a loving committed relationship is personal to every individual, and also fluid. Meaning there are times in your life when you may not feel open, ready, or worthy of finding love. This could be impacted by a major life event that’s taking all of your focus, energy and time, or you may just be taking time to focus on being the best version of yourself.
To share a personal example, my father lived with MDS, a blood disorder disease, for 18 years before it finally took his life seven years ago. As his health deteriorated in his last six months of life, it was a very stressful time for our family. I was single at the time and decided to take a hard break from dating. I was not in the right mindset nor open to meeting new people. I mean, what was I going to talk about besides the fact that my dad was dying, which was all-consuming?
After taking time to grieve, I finally felt ready to date again and reactivated my Bumble account. Since I had taken a break from the app, I was served up some high quality matches and one of them turned out to be my person, whom I ended up marrying.
While I was dealing with this major life event, was it an “inability to find love”, or a knowing that I was not in the right space to be out there dating and meeting new people? That said, yes, there were times in my life when I felt unworthy of love, or didn’t think it would ever happen for me. I’ve also seen this with friends and clients. Yet, nothing is constant. And as a matchmaker and dating coach, it’s my job, and honor, to work with my clients to get through the down phases and emerge feeling confident, excited, and worthy of finding love.
What are some common misconceptions or myths about finding love in the modern world, and how can they be debunked?
Some common myths include…
It’s impossible to find quality matches on the apps.
If I don’t feel a “spark” in the first five minutes of a first date, I’m not interested.
All guys are immature and players.
All women have unrealistic expectations and I’ll never live up to them.
My date never asks me any questions about myself.
All the quality men are snatched up already.
Sound familiar?
The more time I spend immersed in the modern dating world, I’m aligned with the top thought-partners in the industry who are researching, writing about, talking about, and podcasting about busting these long-time myths. For example, Logan Ury’s encouragement to “Look for a life partner, not a prom date”, (i.e., focus on what matters most in a long-term partner), and Damona Hoffman’s “F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story ”.
The only way to find out what works for you is to step into the arena and date. Every date is practice to help you visualize the right partner for you. You can say, “that was a waste of my time and hour I’ll never get back”, or you can flip your mindset to “it’s only an hour of my life and at the very least, I’m meeting someone new and may have a good story to tell”. To quote Michelle Obama during her DNC speech, get up and “do something”!
What advice do you have for individuals who feel overwhelmed or disillusioned by the challenges of modern dating, and how can they maintain hope and optimism in their search for love?
From personal experience, take some time to get clear on what you’re looking for… a good time? a long-term committed relationship? marriage? This will help you stay focused and cut through the noise. Working with a dating coach or matchmaker can help you accelerate this process and be your accountability partner throughout. It can be tough to stay open-minded and optimistic that you WILL find your person. Sometimes being “out there” is so discouraging that sitting at home on the couch with your favorite pint of Ben & Jerry’s is a much more appealing option.
Your dating coach will help you rationalize and realize that you are worthy of love and by taking action, you will eventually find your person. Activity begets activity. It’s OK to take breaks from the apps and dating, though I encourage my clients to never give up if finding a long-term committed relationship is what they really want.
Let’s explore how the rise of social media and dating apps has impacted the way individuals approach and experience dating and relationships. Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use social media to find love?
I first want to say to those who have not dated in a while, dating apps are a reliable and efficient way to start dating again. In today’s modern dating world, dating apps can be one of several ways to get some first dates under your belt. In my view, dating apps are like having the “Background App Refresh” option on your phone turned ON. The apps are always there when you want to engage. And it’s minimal effort to create a profile these days.
DO:
- Limit your time on the apps, whether it’s amount of time per day or week. The apps have become gamified to draw you in, which can add to your discouragement.
- Try different tactics. Update or add more details to your profile that might spark someone’s interest. Use new prompts to start a conversation. Switch your main profile photo.
- Set up an in-person date (or video chat if long distance) as soon as possible. Engage in a bit of banter via the app to establish rapport, and then make a plan to meet.
- Use quality recent photos including some close-ups of your beautiful face and at least one full body shot. If you don’t have any on hand, hire a photographer.
DON’T Post photos wearing sunglasses, group shots, you in the distance, or any bathroom or gym selfie shots. Also no bikini photos.
DON’T Ghost after the first date. Ghosting sucks. Be a stand-up human and send a short message saying it was nice to meet you, but you didn’t feel a romantic connotation and wish her/him luck with their search.
DON’T Give up! After taking a year-long break from the apps, I reactivated my Bumble account and within a month met my now husband. In today’s modern dating world, a large portion of the population met their significant other online. As tedious and frustrating as it can be, the apps can work.
A survey from OnePoll/Forbes Health conducted in August 2023 polled 5,000 U.S. respondents who have actively dated in the last five years, and looked into how people date, how they prefer to date, online and app-based dating and more. Nearly 70% of individuals who met someone on a dating app said it led to a romantic, exclusive relationship, while 28% said it did not.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about looking for romance in real-life physical spaces like congregations, bars, markets, and conventions?
Again, the DOS are about practice. Practice making eye contact. Practice saying hello to people you pass on the street, even if they don’t say hello back. Practice chatting with the barista or server at your local cafe. Get more comfortable being uncomfortable. Say YES and show up when you’re invited to a party, event, or gathering. Try new things and bring a friend to make it more fun.
If your dating life is a priority and your goal is to find your person, don’t stay home and do nothing.
What are your thoughts about the challenges and opportunities that come with workplace romances?
The workplace has historically been a great place to meet new people, spark new romances, and even meet your future spouse. With the rise of hybrid and fully remote work environments, it’s more of a challenge to develop deep connections with coworkers.
Personally speaking, I’ve had a few office romances early in my career. At first, it can make work more exciting. Knowing you’ll be spending time with your crush or love interest is a bonus reason to bounce out of bed each morning. Interestingly, it can boost engagement and a level of caring about your work and the company.
If things work out for the lovely couple, life is grand. If things go south, it can be really really hard and awkward. Even if you remain friendly, it’s awkward being around your ex on a regular basis and not a situation most people would proactively choose. You’re also taking a risk which could impact your career in a negative way.
To sum it up, don’t go there. It’s just not worth it. Plus there are so many other fish in the sea!
Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Things You Need To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love”? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.
- Self-Awareness — Know who you are and have a sense of how others perceive you. These pieces are key when defining what you’re looking for in a romantic partner.
- The Right Mindset — Be open to the process, knowing there will be highs, lows, and everything in between. Be prepared to feel frustrated, impatient, and annoyed at times. If a long-term committed relationship is what you want, you need to trust the process.
- Time and Space — There are a million things and people vying for your time and energy. You’ll need to dedicate time to find the love you’re seeking and make space to let someone into your life to build a long-term relationship with.
- Get Clear and Stay Open — Speaking from personal experience and working with my clients, many of us are not 100% clear on what we’re looking for. What type of person will bring out the best in me? How do I want to feel when I’m with this person? What does a healthy long-term committed relationship look like for me? Taking the time to go through this process, on your own or with the guidance of a dating coach or matchmaker, is a critical early step in the process to find your person.
- Be All In — Once you start the process to find your person and commit to letting someone into your life, be ready to ride the wave.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?
YES! There are so many smart humans sharing their expertise, insight, and guidance to help singles navigate this complicated modern dating world. I’ve immersed myself in this growing industry for the last nine months — reading, listening to podcasts, meeting with and learning from trailblazers — and it’s tough to create a short list. Right now, these are my top sources for inspiration:
Logan Ury’s best-selling book, How to Not Die Alone.
- Logan also has an incredible social media presence and I encourage you to follow her on Instagram. I’ve also heard she’s working on a Netflix series!
Maria Avgitidis, CEO of Agape Matchmaking, Ask a Matchmaker podcast.
- I saw Maria speak during the NYC 2024 Global Love Institute Conference, and I’d love to be her friend and hang out in her orbit! She’s so cool and constantly drops insight bombs. You can also follow her on Insta @matchmakermaria
Damona Hoffman, Dating Expert, Author, and Podcast Host
- Her book, F the Fairy Tale, “rewrites the outdated myths holding you back and offers a fresh, empowering approach to love”, and is the bomb! I absolutely love her no nonsense podcast, Dates and Mates, and learn something new with each episode.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I’d gather all the single people in the world — who at times may feel lonely, isolated, “less than”, love stuck, unmotivated, unworthy and ready to give up on finding love — to create a community and sense of “you’re not alone”. We’ll come together and lift each other up, knowing there are others across the globe who feel like we do.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
Visit my website: https://www.lisaratnermatchmaking.com/
Drop me a line: [email protected]
Find me on FB and Insta:@lisaratnermatchmaking
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
Lisa Ratner On How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.