An Interview With Brooke Young & Yitzi Weiner
Start Small: Taking tiny steps to change your behavior is important. It is like going to the gym, a 50lbs weight does not get lighter, over time you get stronger.
In today’s society, the tendency to prioritize others’ needs and expectations over one’s own can lead to significant emotional and psychological challenges. In this series, we would like to explore the complex dynamics of people-pleasing behavior and its impact on individual well-being and relationships. We would like to discuss the root causes of people-pleasing behavior, its effects on personal and professional life, and practical steps for cultivating healthier relationships and self-esteem. We hope that this series can provide insights, strategies, and real-life experiences that can help individuals navigate and overcome the pitfalls of being a people pleaser. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Natasha Deen from Divine Es Sense.
Natasha Deen is the founder of Divine Es Sense. Her deepest intention is to set people free and to help them own their authenticity. Her mission is to help others become more aware and conscious so that with that awareness they can transform their lives and find healing. She is a certified Meditation and Yoga Nidra Teacher with over 200+ hours of coursework. She is a trained Usui Reiki Practitioner helping people to see the truth of themselves, and teaching them how to transform their emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual pain with sacred energy messages. Her passion is to help and teach others around the world how to own their truth and allow their inner divine beauty to shine. Bringing beauty back to life.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
My deepest intention is to set people free and to help them own their authenticity. I love to help others become more aware and conscious so that with that awareness they can transform their lives and find healing. My passion is to help and teach others around the world how to own their truth and allow their inner divine beauty to shine. Bringing beauty back to life.
Thank you for all that. Let’s now turn to the main focus of our discussion about People Pleasing. To make sure that we are all on the same page, let’s begin with a simple definition. What does “People Pleaser” mean to you?
A people pleaser refers to someone who constantly is looking out for approval and validation from others at the expense of their own needs, boundaries and personal desires. They will go out of their way to accommodate others and prioritize their own wellbeing to make sure everyone around them is happy.
On the surface, it seems like being a person who wants to please others is a good thing. Can you help articulate a few of the challenges that come with being a people pleaser?
Being there for others is always a great characteristic to have but pleasing people can cause some negative impacts. Some major ones are
- Burnout: Constantly putting everyone over yourself can lead to emotional and mental health issues.
- Lack of authenticity: Suppressing who you truly are to accommodate others can cause self-esteem issues and lower one’s confidence.
- Difficulty with boundaries: Not being able to say ‘no’ can cause resentment towards others and put oneself in a place where they never get any self-care or rest.
Does being a people pleaser give you certain advantages? Can you explain?
Yes, for sure.
Many ‘people pleasers’ are well liked and depended on in the workforce. They are usually very well liked because they will accommodate the needs of others over themselves. A lot of people please can move up in their workplace because of their hard work ethic and having a tough time saying ‘no’
Can you describe a moment in your life when you realized that your own people-pleasing behavior was more harmful than helpful?
I found not only in business but with my family, I was a big people pleaser. Only when I started to feel that I was never doing what I wanted to do and it started to deplete my self-esteem, my hair started to fall out, I was losing weight, and I realized at that moment I had to make a change. I also didn’t feel like I was happy anymore and I was just trying to please everyone but myself.
In your opinion, what are the common root causes of people-pleasing behavior?
I think a lot of people’s pleasing behaviors come from our upbringing, traumas, and perfectionist personalities. I see a lot of clients that have this trait because it has been passed down from generation to generation.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact personal relationships?
Resentment can build for the person who keeps giving their all and having expectations that many will not be able to fulfill. It could then lead to a massive rift and relationships can be destroyed.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact professional relationships?
They might not express their own feelings or opinions if they believe it will lead to disagreements or disappointments. They may take on too many responsibilities and “pick up the slack” for others because they want to help or be liked. Which in time can lead to burn out and resentment.
How can long-term people-pleasing behavior impact an individual’s mental health?
They might continuously volunteer or accept additional responsibilities, even when they’re already overwhelmed with their workload. This can cause an individual to get depressed and lack self-care due to wanting to please everyone over their own mental health.
In your experience, what is the role of self-awareness in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies, and how can individuals cultivate it?
Self-awareness is listening to that little voice in your head that knows it is overexerting itself. It is being present with one’s feelings and emotions and listening to the body. And setting boundaries to ensure that they are not trying to please everyone.
Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Strategies or Techniques That Can Help Individuals Break Free From The Cycle Of People-Pleasing”?
1 . Start Small: Taking tiny steps to change your behavior is important. It is like going to the gym, a 50lbs weight does not get lighter, over time you get stronger.
2 . Practice Saying No- When you do not want to do something, it is ok to say no. It is allowing yourself the space to do what you want to do and not feeling guilty about it.
3 . Accept yourself- loving who you are is a huge part of the process. Being okay with who you are and how you want your life to be is part of finding true happiness.
4 . Journaling: allows you to really give yourself a moment to write down your emotions and feelings when you notice your people pleasing ways. Allow yourself to reveal what exactly is going on internally.
5 . Stop apologizing- whenever you set boundaries or say no. You must accept that some people could be upset but the win is that you stood up for yourself and did what you wanted.
What steps should people pleasers take to establish healthy boundaries?
Set Goals and Priorities
Consider where you want to spend your time. Who do you want to help? What goals are you trying to accomplish? Knowing your priorities can help you determine whether you have the time and energy to devote to something.
If something is sapping your energy or taking too much of your time, take steps to address the problem. As you practice setting those boundaries and saying no to things you don’t really want to do, you’ll find that you have more time to devote to the things that are really important to you.
How can someone who is naturally empathetic maintain their compassion while becoming more assertive?
It all comes in the way someone communicates and their tone. There is a polite way to say no to a task or situation in a way that does not offend anyone and shows diplomacy. Everyone will respect that person based on their authenticity.
What are the most common misconceptions about people pleasers, and how do these misconceptions affect their journey toward recovery?
Some misconceptions are that people pleasers are weak and cannot stand up for themselves, which is not true. People pleasing comes from a truly kind individual that wants to make everyone else feel valued even if it overlooks themselves.
Another is that a people pleaser is unhappy and wants to gain happiness from validation of others. People pleasers can naturally be happy and does not mean their giving nature means they are unhappy. It can just be a trait they watched growing up that made them think this is how they should be to get acceptance.
What role can therapy or counseling play in helping individuals overcome people-pleasing behavior?
Counseling can help individuals look at their patterns and help acknowledge steps to avoid repeating those same mistakes. Counseling can also help you deep dive into the individual’s past to see where the root of people’s problems started.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
Being a full-time caregiver to my mother who is currently diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer (Stage 4) really showed me that there are not a ton of helpful resources and step by step programs that help a caregiver from the moment they find out their loved one has cancer. I think there really needs to be a guide that helps provide strong coping skills during the process. I would love to build a program/community to help others on how to prepare for this huge transition in their lives.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
Yes, they can. They can check out my website: www.divineessense.ca for more information around mindfulness, meditation practices, and personalized programs around regaining your inner power and finding your most authentic self.
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
Natasha Deen of Divine Es Sense On How to Recover From Being a People Pleaser was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.