Find or create your support group. I wouldn’t be here, writing this article for you, if it wasn’t for the amazing coaches and mastermind communities I am part of and participate in each week. In fact, a mastermind group is such an important part of the self development and entrepreneurship journey I started my own for online entrepreneurs called Overcome Yourself and Thrive. Mastermind groups are important to help you diffuse shame, celebrate wins, and even talk through some of the tough situations that come up when you start establishing boundaries. After all, people who were benefiting from your lack of boundaries are going to not like this new and improved boundary setting you. Having a supporting community to talk through these things can make all the difference in helping you establish and maintain healthy boundaries.
In today’s society, the tendency to prioritize others’ needs and expectations over one’s own can lead to significant emotional and psychological challenges. In this series, we would like to explore the complex dynamics of people-pleasing behavior and its impact on individual well-being and relationships. We would like to discuss the root causes of people-pleasing behavior, its effects on personal and professional life, and practical steps for cultivating healthier relationships and self-esteem. We hope that this series can provide insights, strategies, and real-life experiences that can help individuals navigate and overcome the pitfalls of being a people pleaser. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Nicole Tuxbury. At 21, Nicole faced a life-changing revelation when she discovered she had the back of a “disabled elderly woman”. Overcoming adversity, she transformed her life and became an Author, Speaker, and Mindset & Business Consultant & Strategist, empowering online business owners to leverage their knowledge and stories to create profitable systems. With over a decade of experience in mindset development and marketing and business development, Nicole, named one of 5 Top Women to Follow for Inspiration Of a Better Life in Buzzfeed. She is also a summit producer and Meta-Certified Community Coach, as well as the producer and host of Overcome Yourself The Podcast, which was named in Buzzfeed as one of 5 “Must Listen To” Podcasts To Create A Better YOU! Her expertise and personal journey make her an invaluable asset to entrepreneurs looking to elevate their lives and businesses.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
Of course. First and foremost, thank you so much for having me!
As for my origin story, my mom died minutes after giving birth to my brother. He was born when I was one, and we had the honor and privilege of being raised by a diverse village, including our Cuban grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts and uncles, Colombian Nanny, and American dad. I was born and raised in Miami, hablando Español, going to the beach, and dancing Salsa And Merengue.
When I was 9 my dad married my stepmom and a few years later I had a baby sister. When I was about 9 was also when I had an accident on a boat that left me with the invisible disability of chronic back pain, which came to a head when I went to the doctor at 21 years old and found out I had the back of a “disabled elderly woman,” as he put it.
By the way I love how you asked about my origin story since one of the big themes in my book is discovering the superpower hiding in what you consider to be your greatest weakness. Something I thought was interesting when I was a little kid was having had such a big thing in common with so many Superheroes and Princesses- a dead parent. By the logic of the Superhero story, I always knew there was a seed of greatness in my story.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
I am a speaker, author, business consultant, mindset coach, podcast and summit producer and host. When I found out about how badly my back was hurt I was working as a server in a restaurant, and the doctor basically told me I wasn’t going to be able to do that anymore.
So I was like, ok, but now what?
I ended up trying a few things, like working as a personal assistant and even a personal vacation planner at a major cruise line. I also tried a few MLMs and even got my financial licenses. But I had a calling to the online space. In my 5 minute piece that I perform on open mics I mention how I saw all of these mommy bloggers making money online and figured if they could do it, with kids, then what the heck was my excuse?
The first thing I remember ever wanting to be was an author. And one week, I hurt my back doing something and ended up bed bound. Like, I couldn’t even walk to the bathroom or the kitchen on my own. As I was about to turn on the TV to watch something like The Price is Right, like we did when we would stay home from school back in the day, I thought, well why not take this chance to finally write your book? So I grabbed my phone, a bluetooth keyboard, and I started typing, instead.
Since then, I started my podcast, named after my book, Overcome Yourself, started hosting summits to showcase the incredible guests I got to interview on my podcast, taught myself website design, got certified in SEO,and more recently, Meta certified as a community manager, and I even got to work with a grammy nominated celebrity along the way! Now I love speaking, writing, hosting events, and working with my clients with VIP days, one-on-one consulting, and in a mastermind community, to implement profitable systems and funnels. As I mentioned earlier, in 2024, I was even named as one of “5 Top Women to Follow for Inspiration Of a Better Life” and my podcast was named as one of 5 “Must Listen To” Podcasts To Create A Better YOU! In separate articles in Buzzfeed!
Thank you for all that. Let’s now turn to the main focus of our discussion about People Pleasing. To make sure that we are all on the same page, let’s begin with a simple definition. What does “People Pleaser” mean to you?
I remember when I first started talking with my ND/communication coach, I told him I was sick and tired of feeling like a doormat. Feeling like people were constantly walking over me to get where they wanted to go. Cause that’s how being a people pleaser can feel.
The most ironic part of being a people pleaser is, in the end, no one ends up pleased with you anyway. I once heard someone say that if you were balancing yourself on a fence, anyone on the left would criticize you for going right, and anyone on the right would criticize you for going left, but if you stay on the fence, both sides will call you lazy and indecisive. You can’t win long term trying to please others.
On the surface, it seems like being a person who wants to please others is a good thing. Can you help articulate a few of the challenges that come with being a people pleaser?
Wanting to help and please others isn’t a bad thing in itself, but doing it to your own detriment, consistently, is.
The problem with being a people pleaser is there is no sure fire way to please everyone. One of the things I break-down in my book is the diffusion model for ideas, which shows us that some people are innovators, some are mainstream and follow the innovators, and a small percentage are rebels and will resist or completely reject new ideas. Not only does this work for ideas, it’s the same for viruses as well. It’s a natural pattern of the world.
Making one of your goals to please everyone is setting yourself up for failure, mathematically speaking.
It’s literally impossible.
It can also be overwhelming to try to be a people pleaser. You get so busy doing things for other people you end up neglecting doing things for yourself or those who are most important to you.
It’s a recipe for burnout and resentment.
And even beyond the personal toll, this people-pleasing approach can also hurt your effectiveness in actually helping others. By spreading yourself too thin, you probably end up doing a sloppy job at everything you are trying to get done at once instead of focusing your energy where it can make the biggest positive impact.
But the challenges go even deeper than that. Chronic people-pleasing can also lead to a lack of authenticity and self-expression, as you find yourself constantly suppressing your true thoughts and feelings in order to avoid upsetting someone.
This stunts your personal growth and makes it incredibly difficult to cultivate strong, fulfilling relationships.
It’s a vicious cycle — the more you sacrifice your own needs, the more resentful and burned out you become, which further erodes your ability to show up as your authentic self. Learning to set healthy boundaries and prioritize self-care is so crucial for breaking free of this trap.
Does being a people pleaser give you certain advantages? Can you explain?
Well I think we learn a lot when we go through being people pleasers, and that’s where the advantages come from. I mean, at the heart of being a people pleaser is someone who wants to make other people happy. Someone who wants to help and be of service to others, and there are certainly advantages in that perspective. But like with any great Superhero tale, it’s all about learning to use your superpower for good. You’ve got to train, practice, and learn more about your powers so you can use them to help others effectively.
One of the key superpowers that can come from being a people pleaser is heightened emotional intelligence and interpersonal skills. By constantly reading social cues and adapting your behavior, you develop an exceptional ability to understand and empathize with others. This is an invaluable asset, especially in roles involving a lot of collaboration, customer service, or relationship-building.
In my work as a mindset coach and business consultant, I’m able to quickly pick up on my clients’ communication preferences and tailor my approach to make them feel truly heard and supported. However, I’ve also learned you can’t please everyone, no matter how hard you try. There will always be some resistant holdouts, as the diffusion model shows.
Rather than trying to win over those skeptics, I’ve found it much more effective to focus my people-pleasing superpowers on the clients who are most open and eager to implement my recommendations. That’s why I’ve set up different content and service tiers in my business. I host free online events and conferences allowing me to provide valuable resources to a wide audience for free or at a very low cost. But then I also offer premium VIP experiences where I can dedicate more intensive, customized support to the clients who are ready and able to commit and see results.
This way, I get to leverage my innate empathy and service orientation, but in a sustainable, boundary-setting way that prevents burnout. It’s all about finding that sweet spot — using your people-pleasing tendencies strategically to make the biggest positive impact, without compromising your own needs and priorities in the process. When managed thoughtfully, those core strengths, AKA your superpowers, can become real competitive advantages.
Can you describe a moment in your life when you realized that your own people-pleasing behavior was more harmful than helpful?
When I was little, once my step-mom yelled at me for “helping” my little brother with his homework. The only problem was my “help” was answering the questions for him. Even though the homework got done faster so we could go play, I was unknowingly robbing my brother of the chance to work through it to learn. So my brother was pleased, but I ended up doing double homework and he ended up not learning the lesson of the homework (although you can probably tell my brother has always been pretty smart!)
More recently, I get to help my own clients with people pleasing in their businesses. Something that’s very common among entrepreneurs is having people asking to ”pick your brain”. At first, it might only take 5 minutes to answer the question. But what happens if you get one of those messages everyday? Or when your audience grows and now you have 100 5 minute messages to answer? What are you taking those 5 minutes away from? Your paying clients? Your spouse/friends/kids? Your hobby or rest time?
Instead, you can set up a membership or one-off call where your audience can pay you for your time. That’s a boundary.
Something else I learned from a mentor is to set up a simple form where you send anyone who wants to “pick your brain”. Then anytime someone asks you a question you can direct them to the form, and you can review it on your own time, and bonus, you can answer the questions in your content to help others who might have the same question.
People-pleasing, even when coming from a good place, can ultimately be more harmful than helpful. It robs you of the time and energy you need to focus on your most important priorities and commitments. But by learning to set boundaries and channel your people-pleasing tendencies strategically, you can leverage those innate strengths to create true, sustainable value — for both yourself and your clients. The key is finding the balance, where you’re able to help and serve others without sacrificing your own wellbeing in the process.
In your opinion, what are the common root causes of people-pleasing behavior?
I think at the root of people-pleasing is a lack of confidence, which means people pleasing isn’t the problem we have to deal with, it’s a symptom of the larger imbalance. We all have a longing to belong, to be loved and appreciated by those around us. Somewhere along the way, though, we were taught saying no meant something else, like “saying no means you don’t love me”, for example. There is a story we have associated with saying no. Like when we tell ourselves that saying no to volunteering means we don’t care, or saying no to a project at work would make you look irresponsible.
As we peel back the layers, at the root, there’s a lack of confidence in ourselves. Lack of confidence in our accomplishments, our sense of belonging, our relationships, whatever. And at the root of all of these things is a lack of self-worth, a fear of rejection or abandonment, or even family conditioning. When we work on these things and our confidence grows, it will become easier to let go of those people-pleasing tendencies.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact personal relationships?
Something I like reminding my clients to help them in this journey and learn to say no more is saying “no” isn’t negative. Saying “no” to something means saying “yes” to something else. Like when we say “no” to working late, we might be saying “yes” to our workout routine, or family time, or cooking dinner instead of ordering takeout, whatever it means to you.
People pleasing behavior is detrimental to any of our relationships, whether it’s family, romantic, friendly, or work relationships. When we are taking away from ourselves to help others, we are not able to operate at our best, which ends up being detrimental to everyone.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact professional relationships?
“Scope creep” is a popular term in my industry referring to the tiny little things clients might start requesting after a contract has been agreed to. It can start with asking you to do a small favor at first, and before you know it, it’s turned into 19 different jobs and counting since they add something new every time you meet. Setting and maintaining clear boundaries from the beginning of the consultant/client relationship is imperative to prevent this from happening.
One of the things I help my clients do is implement clear boundaries so they can perform at their best. In your onboarding process, let your clients know how and when they can get in touch with you. Tell them from the start whether you answer things on the weekends. And if you don’t, don’t. If they want weekend access to you, give them a price for it. A very premium price if you want to.
Otherwise, resentment will start to creep in, and it will affect your work, your relationships, and even your bottom line.
How can long-term people-pleasing behavior impact an individual’s mental health?
At first, these small people-pleasing tendencies are just a minor inconvenience. You have to stay at work for an extra hour, you take a “quick call” on your time off, you take on an extra project without charging your rate. Before you know it, it’s evolved into a monster, consuming all of your time and preventing you from making more money or enjoying time off.
This leads to spiraling in shame, overwhelm, and eventually could lead to burnout. Not only that, straying away from your dreams, goals, and purpose can lead to all kinds of things including depression and/or anxiety, if you are prone to it.
In your experience, what is the role of self-awareness in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies, and how can individuals cultivate it?
One of the main themes of my book, Overcome Yourself, is practicing gratitude. It’s something that seems too simple to work. But learning to practice gratitude is what helped me change my life. Since people-pleasing is a symptom of a larger confidence issue, self awareness is at the core of overcoming it. Cultivating your self-esteem, self-worth, and perspective overall is the first step in confidently being able to set boundaries and eliminate people-pleasing behaviors.
Beyond just gratitude, there are other key practices that can enhance this vital self-awareness. Regular reflection, journaling, and self-inquiry can help uncover our deepest values, desires, and drivers. Mindfulness meditation develops the presence, emotional regulation, and observer consciousness needed to recognize our patterns. And actively seeking feedback and diverse perspectives sheds light on our blind spots.
The more we invest in this process of self-discovery and self-acceptance, the more we can break free from the restrictive people-pleasing mindset. We start to trust our internal compass rather than constantly deferring to external expectations and validation. It’s a profound shift — from living for the approval of others, to living authentically from a place of inner abundance and self-love. And it’s the essential foundation for being able to set healthy boundaries and eliminate those codependent tendencies for good.
Here is the primary question of our discussion. Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Strategies Or Techniques That Can Help Individuals Break Free From The Cycle Of People-Pleasing”? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.
1 . Practice Gratitude Daily. One of the most simple, yet most powerful, habits I used to help me reframe my perspective, Overcome Myself, and stop my people pleasing tendencies was practicing gratitude daily. This helped me build up my self-confidence and self-worth which made it easier to say “no” as needed. Practicing gratitude looks like writing down 3 things you are grateful for each day. You can do different themes to help you get creative, like 3 things I’m grateful about myself/my job/my business/my clients. It’s all about learning to shift your perspective to notice, and appreciate, the little things.
2 . Start Small and Celebrate your wins. Start small instead of trying to overhaul your entire life in one shot. The more we practice something, the easier it will be to do, so start with practicing saying no in some lower stakes situations to be ready when you need to be for higher stakes stuff. And don’t forget to celebrate your win when you do stand up for yourself!
3 . Think about what you are saying “no” to when you’re thinking of saying “yes” to something you don’t really want to do. Before agreeing to take on an extra task at work or saying yes to something you don’t really want to do, take a moment to think, if I say yes to this, was gets told no? One of the most important lessons I help my clients understand is that saying “no” isn’t of itself, negative. When you do say “no” you are saying yes to something else. If you say “no” to staying out late and partying, it’s easier to say “yes” to waking up the next day to be productive. Saying “no” to something you don’t want to eat means saying “yes” to something you do.
4. Find or create your support group. I wouldn’t be here, writing this article for you, if it wasn’t for the amazing coaches and mastermind communities I am part of and participate in each week. In fact, a mastermind group is such an important part of the self development and entrepreneurship journey I started my own for online entrepreneurs called Overcome Yourself and Thrive. Mastermind groups are important to help you diffuse shame, celebrate wins, and even talk through some of the tough situations that come up when you start establishing boundaries. After all, people who were benefiting from your lack of boundaries are going to not like this new and improved boundary setting you. Having a supporting community to talk through these things can make all the difference in helping you establish and maintain healthy boundaries.
5. Have lots of grace on yourself.
Setting boundaries isn’t something that just happens once and then it’s over.
It’s a process.
You will slip up sometimes, you may end up saying “yes” and realize later you didn’t want to, or have someone get upset because you said no. It’s important to remember through it to have grace on yourself, don’t beat yourself up for messing up, and get back on track as soon as you can. Take notice of the negative self talk that comes up and consider how you can reframe it. Once I heard that mercy was forgiving the person in line in front of you for having 12 items in the 10 items or less line. Grace means not counting the items in their cart at all, so stop keeping a running list of all the mistakes you might have made.
What steps should people pleasers take to establish healthier boundaries?
Establishing healthier boundaries starts with believing you are worthy. I recommend starting with practicing gratitude because it helps you adjust your perspective.
It also means understanding your priorities and your non-negotiables. Take some time to think about your goals and what that means for the things you will make time for- and those you won’t. Decide if those things you don’t want to do need to get done at all, and if they do, how can you automate or outsource them? There may be things you won’t be able to avoid, but having healthy boundaries allows these instances to be less overwhelming overall.
Remember, also, to set aside some time for self-care. Maybe that means sitting quietly with your coffee in the morning, making your favorite dinner, or even simply taking a quick nap. It doesn’t have to be time consuming or expensive, but it should be something you enjoy and helps you rest and recharge.
How can someone who is naturally empathetic maintain their compassion while becoming more assertive?
Of course! Having boundaries doesn’t mean you have to be disrespectful or aggressive. Setting boundaries is all about having empathy and compassion, starting with yourself.
Again, if you don’t take care of yourself, at some point you won’t be able to take care of anyone else.
We can be assertive and still be loving and helpful. It’s all about how we respond. And how we respond can stem from what we are overflowing with. If you are loving and helpful, that’s what will overflow out of you even when you are being assertive and setting or maintaining boundaries. For example, I don’t generally answer emails or messages from clients over the weekend or if I am on vacation. My clients know it’s not because I don’t love them- they know I do! But if I don’t take time to rest and spend time with my family and friends. They know when I do answer, I will go above and beyond to help them. This is made clear during onboarding, and it’s reinforced when they send me a message on the weekend and I answer it when I’m back at work, emergencies aside.
What are the most common misconceptions about people pleasers, and how do these misconceptions affect their journey toward recovery?
I think one of the biggest misconceptions about people-pleasing is that it makes you weak. But in reality, people-pleasers are often highly empathetic, intuitive, and deeply service-oriented — these are strengths, not flaws. The real issue isn’t that we care too much, but that we’ve been conditioned to believe saying “no” or prioritizing ourselves is selfish.
Growing up, one of my nicknames was Chatty Cathy, and my report cards consistently read talks too much. I was told over and over again that talking was one of my weaknesses. So for a while, I shut down — keeping to myself, bottling things up, thinking that being quieter would “please” others. But in doing so, I wasn’t being true to myself. The irony? It didn’t please anyone. People still had opinions, and I wasn’t any happier. Meanwhile, the very thing I was told was a flaw — talking — is now one of my greatest strengths. I get paid to speak.
That’s what people-pleasers need to realize: the very qualities that make you a people-pleaser — your empathy, your desire to help, your ability to adapt — can be strengths when used intentionally. Like any superpower, it’s not about getting rid of it — it’s about learning to use it for good. The goal isn’t to stop caring about others — it’s to start caring about yourself just as much.
When you set boundaries, you don’t lose your kindness; you make it more sustainable. The goal isn’t to stop helping — it’s to help in a way that doesn’t come at the expense of your own well-being. People-pleasing doesn’t make you weak. It just means you have a superpower that needs to be trained so it works for you, not against you.
What role can therapy or counseling play in helping individuals overcome people-pleasing behavior?
Therapy and counseling can be pivotal in helping us overcome being a people pleaser, as this can help us in peeling back the layers of our insecurities and trauma that may be keeping us stuck in these tendencies. It’s important to have someone who is equipped to help us navigate the emotional work of setting boundaries and healing.
Therapy has been an important part of my journey. It was learning to practice gratitude after my miscarriage which allowed me to get to the point where I was able to ask for help. To understand that I am worthy of getting help. And when I finally did, I discovered that a simple vitamin imbalance was causing psychosis symptoms including crying and panic attacks- all those depression and anxiety symptoms I’d been experiencing for so long.
Getting help is the strongest thing you can do. You deserve it. Going to therapy doesn’t make you crazy. In fact, it could help you be a better leader, spouse, parent, friend, mentor, overall contributing member of society.
As we heal and grow in our confidence and self worth, it becomes more natural to stand your ground and ease out I’d our people pleasing tendencies.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
Gratitude is the foundation of everything I do because it is such an important, and often overlooked, part of all areas of life. Practicing gratitude is what allows us to adjust our perspective, which in turn affects how we see and interact with the world. When we operate from gratitude, we are able to more thoroughly enjoy the good times, and be able to survive the hard times without losing ourselves in the process.
Dr. Brene Brown talks about how our world is starving for joy and the solution to that is gratitude. Gratitude cannot solve everything, but it can allow us to take on a perspective that helps us find meaning, resilience and contentment, even amidst life’s challenges.
If I could start a movement that would bring the most good to the most people, it would absolutely revolve around cultivating a culture of gratitude. And through my podcast, book, and live events, that is exactly what I hope to create. The ripple effects of such a widespread shift in mindset could be profound.
On a personal level, gratitude helps us savor the good moments, build resilience, and maintain a positive, hopeful outlook. In our relationships, it fosters deeper connection, empathy and mutual care. And in our communities, workplaces and society at large, a spirit of collective gratitude could inspire more acts of generosity, kindness and service.
Gratitude has the power to counter the tendencies towards comparison, cynicism and consumerism that leave so many people feeling unfulfilled. By reorienting us towards what truly matters, it has the potential to bring more joy, purpose and compassion into the world. The impacts are impossible to fully predict, but I believe starting with this simple, accessible practice — and sharing it through my various platforms — could catalyze profound, lasting change.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
You can listen to Overcome Yourself the podcast for free at nicoletuxbury.com/podcast. Hang out with me on social media by following me at facebook.com/nictuxbury or @nicoletuxbury on IG. You can also get a free copy of my gratitude prompts to help you practice gratitude in different areas of your life, like family and business, at nicoletuxbury.com/prompts
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
This has been great! Thanks for having me!
Nicole Tuxbury Of Overcome Yourself Book & Podcast On How to Recover From Being a People Pleaser was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.