…The more we honor and respect our energy levels, boundaries, and truths, the better our relationships. When we clearly state what we need, say yes when we mean yes, no when we mean no, and maybe when we mean maybe, the more this will reflect in our interactions with others. When we push our true feelings down in order to please others, or out of fear of their reactions, the more resentful we get. I’m not saying that it is always easy to speak our truth. Many times I was shaking in my boots, delivering what needed to be said authentically and wholeheartedly. The outcome was always worth it. I have found that when we speak our truth from the heart, the other person can hear it. They may not like it, and that’s okay. Sometimes we need to put on our warrior cape and stand strong as we speak our truth. This strengthens our confidence in protecting ourselves and having our own back, which are elements of self-love…
As a part of our series about “How To Learn To Finally Love Yourself” we had the pleasure to interview Petra Beumer. Petra is a mindful living expert and founder of the Mindful Eating Institute in Santa Barbara, holding a master’s in clinical psychology from the University of Hamburg. She is a pioneer in blending Eastern and Western therapeutic approaches, specializing in emotional eating, weight management, and emotional self-care. As a keynote speaker for the American Heart Association and a self-care specialist who has worked with prestigious resorts, Petra has dedicated two decades to promoting holistic well-being and positive lifestyles.
Thank you so much for joining us! I’d love to begin by asking you to give us the backstory as to what brought you to this specific career path.
I’ve always been interested in human behavior, personal growth, and healing. I loved studying psychology at the university and working at a clinic in Bavaria. After transitioning to the corporate world and becoming a human resources specialist, I followed my heart and left Germany in 1994. I packed two bags and landed in Santa Barbara, which I consider my “true home.” I found employment within our local neighborhood clinics, teaching smoking cessation classes and helping smokers quit nicotine.
This was followed by facilitating weight loss support groups, which were based on a strict behavior-change model. I was considered an effective and assertive weight loss coach. I am no longer that person. I work quite differently now and consider myself to be a self-care and mindfulness counselor. I realized that the emotional component in behavior change is absolutely critical for creating healing from within.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you hope that they might help people along their path to self-understanding or a better sense of wellbeing in their relationships?
I continue to write inspirational content on the importance of slow living, mindfulness, emotional self-care, and self-kindness. I teach workshops, share my insights as a podcast guest, and, of course, help my clients “come home to themselves.”
With regard to improving relationships with others, I truly believe that the most important relationship we have is the one with ourselves. When we live from the heart, honor our energy levels and boundaries, speak our truths authentically and kindly, it will affect how we interact in our relationships, be it at work or in our personal lives.
Do you have a personal story that you can share with our readers about your struggles or successes along your journey of self-understanding and self-love? Was there ever a tipping point that triggered a change regarding your feelings of self acceptance?
When a relationship ended, and my heart broke, my life changed. When my heart broke, it also broke open and allowed the light and love in (metaphorically speaking). It changed the way I work and live, with much kindness for myself and others.
This was about eight years ago. I sought counsel and was blessed to find a therapist who was able to help me heal and grow. She was the mentor I needed, and we worked together for quite a while. She introduced me to Dr. Kristin Neff’s self-compassion research. I learned over time to take good care of my inner child, and to treat myself with self-compassion and warmth. These invaluable teachings had been passed on by her mentor and teacher, and now I do the same for others.
According to a recent study cited in Cosmopolitan, in the US, only about 28 percent of men and 26 percent of women are “very satisfied with their appearance.” Could you talk about what some of the causes might be, as well as the consequences?
These are indeed sad statistics, and I am not surprised. Many people were infused with negative beliefs and messages about their looks at a very young age. Society’s unrealistic ideals, combined with retouched (fake) images on social media, create pressure on how one should look, rather than promoting loving ourselves the way we are: uniquely beautiful, not dependent on size or shape. After all, we are more than our appearance. Why not highlight the beauty of one’s smile and the kindness of their heart instead? That’s the paradigm shift I am hoping for.
*I highly recommend watching the touching 2016 body image documentary called: “Embrace” by body activist Taryn Brumfitt.
To some, the concept of learning to truly understand and “love yourself,” may seem like a cheesy or trite concept. But it is not. Can you share with our readers a few reasons why learning to love yourself it’s truly so important?
Loving ourselves does not mean being narcissistic or self-absorbed. It means advocating for ourselves, speaking our truth, honoring our energy levels, and protecting our personal boundaries — without apology. It also means having our own back and “parenting” ourselves.
Question for the reader: How would you soothe and comfort a small child in distress? Now apply the same compassion and kindness to yourself. Too often, people beat themselves up after making a mistake or “failing.” Their inner critic is very much alive and gladly provides harsh negative self-talk. Buddhist philosophy refers to this as “throwing the second arrow.” When we are hurting and suffering, the last thing we need is more pain and judgement. Self-kindness and self-forgiveness are key.
Self-love can also mean taking ownership of our behaviors and actions, fully and wholeheartedly. This is an empowering act and can lead to a more self-confident way of living and being.
Why do you think people stay in mediocre relationships? What advice would you give to our readers regarding this?
I believe that the reason people stay in mediocre (or even toxic and abusive) relationships is because that’s where they are at on their personal growth journey. I stayed in a relationship with a narcissist only because this seemed familiar to me at the time. Only after healing the original relationship with my mother within myself was I able to no longer repeat this pattern.
I feel that we may subconsciously date or marry people who resemble either our mothers or fathers in order to re-enact our childhood trauma, repeating our relationships with our parents, hoping that our partners will give us what we needed the most when we were growing up. Of course, this is a futile attempt. Our relationships with others reflect our relationship with ourselves.
That’s where the self-love and self-compassion aspects come in. We need to become the person we needed the most. It’s a courageous act to go back into our childhood, revisit painful scenarios, and heal old familiar patterns. The more we allow ourselves to speak up when something is or feels wrong, the more we honor our truth and our feelings, the higher the chances of having fulfilling and mutually respectful relationships.
When I talk about self-love and understanding I don’t necessarily mean blindly loving and accepting ourselves the way we are. Many times self-understanding requires us to reflect and ask ourselves the tough questions, to realize perhaps where we need to make changes in ourselves to be better not only for ourselves but our relationships. What are some of those tough questions that will cut through the safe space of comfort we like to maintain, that our readers might want to ask themselves? Can you share an example of a time that you had to reflect and realize how you needed to make changes?
Absolutely. There was a time in my life when I withered away in a window-less office, not being able to shine, utilize my unique skills, and fulfill my purpose. It was depressing and draining. It was a safe job with benefits, and I had a hard time of giving up this so-called security blanket. My soul was screaming at me! Thankfully, my mentor mentioned a TED talk by Anita Moorjani: “Dying to Be Me.” After watching it, I thought that I didn’t have to die to be me, that I could live to be me! I quit my job that day, decided to follow my soul’s calling, and started my own business. That was eight years ago. It hasn’t been an easy road, but it is mine. I have not regretted my decision even for a second.
So, the tough questions could be: “If nothing could hold you back, what would you do?” “If you truly followed your heart, what would life look like?” “What is your intuition telling you that you are trying to ignore?” “What is the price of staying stuck? What are the benefits of breaking free?”
Ask yourself those questions the same way you would ask a good friend or family member, with warmth and kindness. Seek counsel. Get support. You don’t have to figure this out alone. Find your tribe, your team, your cheerleaders. Read “Callings” or “Vital Signs” by Gregg Levoy. Start journaling about your vision. Meditate and be still. I truly believe that we carry the answers we are looking for deep inside of us.
So many don’t really know how to be alone, or are afraid of it. How important is it for us to have, and practice, that capacity to truly be with ourselves and be alone (literally or metaphorically)?
As a young woman, I was completely unable to be alone and often felt a void and restlessness, which was unbearable. Throughout my own healing self-nurturing journey, I have learned to be alone and feel at peace. The need to self-regulate with activities, social outings, and shopping has vanished. It is possible to truly feel at home with oneself. It’s a longer process and can’t be mastered overnight. Giving ourselves what we need without looking to others is not an easy task; however, with every self-loving act, this inner muscle grows.
Of course, there is a fine line between being alone and feeling lonely. The goal is not to be a hermit in a cave but to feel at peace with our own company. We can experiment with small rituals, which we enjoy, and treat ourselves to some precious alone-time. There’s no need to push into full discomfort but to investigate the restlessness and the underlying needs, which emerge in the absence of distraction. It’s important to become curious, not to judge, to explore, and to practice in smaller time chunks.
Spending too much time alone is also not healthy. So, finding the right balance between time with ourselves and others is key. This is different for everyone.
How does achieving a certain level of self-understanding and self-love then affect your ability to connect with and deepen your relationships with others?
I touched on this earlier. The more we honor and respect our energy levels, boundaries, and truths, the better our relationships. When we clearly state what we need, say yes when we mean yes, no when we mean no, and maybe when we mean maybe, the more this will reflect in our interactions with others. When we push our true feelings down in order to please others, or out of fear of their reactions, the more resentful we get. I’m not saying that it is always easy to speak our truth.
Many times I was shaking in my boots, delivering what needed to be said authentically and wholeheartedly. The outcome was always worth it. I have found that when we speak our truth from the heart, the other person can hear it. They may not like it, and that’s okay. Sometimes we need to put on our warrior cape and stand strong as we speak our truth. This strengthens our confidence in protecting ourselves and having our own back, which are elements of self-love.
In your experience, what should a) individuals and b) society, do to help people better understand themselves and accept themselves?
It would be highly beneficial to teach children that their feelings are valid and unique. Of course, adults have to model those behaviors first. Unfortunately, many of us were not allowed to express ourselves fully when we were children.
How can one teach and practice self-acceptance? Suggestion for the reader: Whenever you feel you are dismissing a feeling or an intuition, pause and become curious. Give yourself permission to explore and investigate. Journal about your discoveries. Talk this over with a trusted friend. Share your true heart more often. I have found that when we show up as our true authentic self, others relax into this energy and are able to let go of their armor.
Here is the main question of our discussion. What are 5 strategies that you implement to maintain your connection with and love for yourself, that our readers might learn from? Could you please give a story or example for each?
1. Start Your Day With An Intention
I start my day by setting an intention, i.e., “May I be kind and gentle with myself today.” “May I give myself permission to pause and rest.” “May I cruise through the day with joy and ease.” I do this daily while enjoying my morning coffee on my patio.
2. Give Yourself Permission To Say No
I give myself permission to say no, cancel events, and say yes to myself. I have been honoring my energy levels for a long time and have allowed myself to cancel engagements in order to replenish and recharge — without guilt.
3. Unplug From The External World
I unplug from the external world when needed. As an intuitive empath, I need more alone-time than others; I allow myself to go within, turn off my phone for a little while, relax, and focus on my breathing.
4. End Your Day With Gratitude
I end my day by listing three things I am grateful for, three things that I am proud of, and revisiting my favorite moment of the day.
5. Book A Date With Yourself
I date myself regularly: I buy myself flowers, cook a beautiful meal for myself, go for long beach walks, and let my “soul dangle.” “Die Seele baumeln lassen” is a German phrase. It means to completely relax and unwind, do nothing, and be free.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources for self-psychology, intimacy, or relationships? What do you love about each one and how does it resonate with you?
Dr. Kristin Neff’s self-compassion research: Her work and insights reinforce my dedication to living life with self-kindness and self-empathy.
Brené Brown’s work on “Daring Greatly”: Her work resonates with me as it serves as an antidote to shame, as we honor our vulnerability and dare to be ourselves.
Pema Chödrön’s books “Living Beautifully” and “Comfortable With Uncertainty”: I am very drawn to her Buddhist teachings as they remind me of “living in the middle” rather than grasping for pleasure and avoiding pain.
Tara Brach’s mindfulness teachings: They serve as gentle reminders to incorporate mindfulness into daily life. I love her little book “Trusting The Gold.”
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? Maybe we’ll inspire our readers to start it…
I’m big on slow living and down-shifting and learning from the Italians and their “Dolce Far Niente” — the sweetness of doing nothing. Let’s unplug from social media, take collective pauses more often, and tune in to each other. Let’s meet in coffee shops, leave our phones behind, talk to each other, and really listen. Let’s all slow down and live more in the present moment.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote” that you use to guide yourself by?
Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life and how our readers might learn to live by it in theirs?
“True self-care is not soft baths and chocolate cake; it is making the choice to build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from.” — Brianna Wiest
This quote resonates with me because it serves as a reminder to not wear myself out and rush through the day, only to collapse into “numbing” behaviors such as having that extra glass of wine or binge-watching Netflix. It inspires me to create life-giving rituals instead.
Thank you so much for your time and for your inspiring insights!
Petra Beumer Of Mindful Eating Institute On How To Learn To Finally Love Yourself was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.