Rebekah Jones of Dr Jones Counseling On How To Support A Loved One Who Is Struggling With An Eating Disorder
Share your concern in a non-judgmental way. One of the things I hear from clients, and I personally felt, is that they feel invisible in their suffering. Speak up. Tell them that you love them and are concerned for them but do so in love not condemnation. Don’t comment on their looks at all, instead ask if they need to talk. Tell them that you’ve noticed that they do not appear to be meeting their body’s needs and let them talk.
Eating disorders are complex mental health conditions that affect millions worldwide, transcending age, gender, and cultural boundaries. They are not simply about food but involve a range of psychological, physical, and social issues. Supporting a loved one through this struggle can be challenging, requiring understanding, patience, and knowledge of the right approaches to truly make a difference.
In this series, we aim to shed light on the most effective ways to offer support, understanding, and hope to those battling an eating disorder. We are talking to psychologists, nutritionists, doctors, therapists, and survivors, who can provide valuable perspectives on nurturing recovery, fostering resilience, and promoting healthy relationships with food and body image. As a part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Rebekah Ruth Jones Ed. D., LPC, LCDC.
Dr. Jones is a first-generation college graduate with a B.S. in Psychology, a M.S. in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, and an Ed. D., in Community Care Counseling: Traumatology. She spent the first six years of her career working in dual diagnosis facilities. During this time, she developed and implemented group curriculum for family programs, spiritual development, eating disorders, survivors of human trafficking, military trauma, first responder trauma, process groups, psychoeducation, core-beliefs, life skills, and meditation groups. In early 2020, Dr. Jones opened a private practice and began seeing a wider range of clients using her experience working with trauma, eating disorders, and addiction to develop a thriving practice. Since then, she has branched out into publishing books and working as an adjunct counseling professor. Dr. Jones also has experience working with the neurodivergent population particularly in correlation with her work with addiction, trauma, and eating disorders as she has found a significant overlay in these categories.
Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series. Before we dive into our discussion, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you share with us the backstory about what brought you to your specific career path?
I was raised in an environment that did not foster the pursuit of mental health resources. Not out of fear or hatred of them, but from a lack of awareness of the existence of mental health resources. As a result of my parents’ upbringings and their community service activities, I was exposed to a significant amount of hurt people. I learned to love people who were difficult to love and to have compassion for people who other people appeared to actively pretend did not exist. Unfortunately, a byproduct of these experiences was that I experienced my own trauma and developed some maladaptive coping skills too. Unfortunately, when I was 16, I lost my older brother due in part to a lack of awareness of mental health resources and support programs. These experiences worked together to help me develop a strong desire to understand human behavior and how it is associated with unmitigated suffering. Once I became aware of counseling as a field of practice, I fell in love. This was my opportunity to understand the world better while actively being part of the solution. I fell hard for the field and have continued falling ever since.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
“You are talking about someone God loves.”
I had a terrible habit of dismissing myself and speaking ill of myself growing up and in early adulthood. This contributed to my own struggle with mental health concerns and disordered eating patterns. At times, I felt truly unlovable and unworthy. I had a family member quip back at me once, after saying something disparaging about myself, that I was talking about someone that God loves. Although we have different belief systems, that rang true to me. I didn’t have to prove that I was worthy of love, my existence made me worthy of love. In a similar light, I began to see myself as art instead of air. Similarly to art, and in contrast to air, I wasn’t meant for everyone, and I wasn’t going to be appreciated by everyone. Once I changed the way I thought and spoke about myself, the way I felt about myself quickly followed, my behaviors naturally changed as a result.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
Lately, I have been especially focused on developing workbooks, journals and books. I have three guided journal and workbook combos on Amazon right now Interactive Workbook and Journal for Grief, Interactive Workbook and Journal for Anxiety, and Journey Within: Personal Discovery and Growth Journal. Additionally, I am actively writing two full content books with a third in the illustration stage. The first book is on the importance of sitting with your anger and how to effectively process it. The second book concerns emotions from a spiritual perspective and discusses the harm that is done when emotions are treated as bad or sinful and how to rectify these concerns. Finally, I have a series of children’s books that is part of my emotional intelligence curriculum I developed for elementary aged children. The My Friends Emotions is in the process of being illustrated and should be available on Amazon soon.
My hope is that these resources will help people understand themselves and their emotions better so that they can better support and love themselves. That’s the beginning of how we treat others really, if I am loving toward myself and I am kind to myself, it is a natural next step to be kind and loving to others. Ultimately, I hope to have a quiet legacy of changed people. If I can help a single person change unhealthy patterns and that person changes how they interact with their family and friends, then that washes down through future generations. No one may ever know that I was part of that process, and that is perfectly fine as long as it happens.
According to this study cited by the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, at least 30 million people in the U.S. of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder. Can you suggest 3–5 reasons why this has become such a critical issue recently?
Externalization of pain: Although suffering is not a new experience, human suffering has greatly increased over the course of the past five years. With the occurrence of the pandemic, social unrest, and the numerous wars and conflicts we have experienced, it is no wonder that people are suffering both directly and vicariously. A side effect of the drastic increase in suffering is an associated feeling of helplessness. When a person is unable to process the feeling of helplessness it can surface in a variety of unhealthy ways including as an eating disorder. Disordered eating patterns grant the person a sense of control over their own body and the degree of suffering they experience. It can temporarily help them feel empowered which alleviates feelings of helplessness. This relief is inherently temporary, and the individual quickly ends up experiencing a deeper sense of helplessness as the disorder builds out of control.
Escape: We live in a society that is constantly on display. Even if I am not recording myself engaged in an activity, I have no guarantee that someone else is not. I recently found I video of myself online that I was unaware existed. I was in full office clothing chasing a bug, to catch and release it, in a squatted position. Needless to say, not my best moment. For me at this stage of my life, it was slightly embarrassing but mostly amusing. However, had I been younger or experiencing body image issues the sight of myself goblin crawling after a bug may have been sufficiently embarrassing to cause me to seek an escape. The constant fearfulness of always being watched or judged is a pressure that the younger generations are exposed to daily. The need to look perfect at any moment and the fear of being caught in a less than flattering position increases their need to seek an escape.
Over or under eating can offer an escape from current stressors or emotional experiences. If a person eats until they are sick, the sickness becomes their full point of focus for the moment. If they starve themselves, the feeling of hunger prevents them from allocating resources to their underlying emotional experiences. However, these are temporary escapes as the mind will overcome these distractions quickly. At which time, the individual will be presented with the original source of distress and the new concerns associated with the eating disorder.
Feeling inadequate: A sad but common theme that I have witnessed as a therapist is the nagging sensation of inadequacy. The individual may feel as though they do not deserve to consume the resources as they would be better used by someone else, or they may feel as though their appearance is inadequate. Though this can affect all genders, I have worked primarily with women who were raised to idealize exceptionally thin figures. These women were praised for being thin and chastised for growing up. They may have been exposed to comments from their mother, aunts, grandmother, or even father about watching what they eat or praising them for eating so little. Girls are often praised for their appearance and are told to go show a family member when they are dressed cute. This sends the message that the child is meant to be visually appealing to those around them. A message that is reinforced by the way they are treated as they enter their teens and early adulthood. Thankfully, it is not my responsibility to be sexually appealing to everyone I walk past. Nor is it anyone else’s.
Based on your insight, what concrete steps can a) individuals, b) corporations, c) communities and d) leaders do to address the core issues that are leading to this problem?
Individuals: As individuals we can start asking ourselves why being thin is more important than the health of others. Often, I sit with clients who are tearfully sharing their dread concerning attending a family gathering because they have gained weight. These are often clients who are still underweight or barely within a healthy range. Being thin is valued more than safety and health in some family units.
If you have a loved one who is suddenly losing or gaining weight, it is appropriate to voice concern or to ask if they are feeling well, depending on your relationship with them, but commenting on their size in a positive or negative way is potentially problematic.
Furthermore, it is not only the way we comment on the bodies of others, but how we interact with our own body. Are we explaining our own food choices or publicly discussing our refusal to eat a treat or certain food while others are eating? Normalizing restricting patterns of eating, or indirectly pressuring others to restrict through the open discussion of our own diets or perceived acts of self-control can greatly impact a person with an eating disorder’s recovery efforts.
Instead of discussing food as a necessary evil, discuss it as what it is fuel for our bodies and brains. Some fuels help me maintain the energy to move and work like proteins and vitamins, others help me relax and enjoy a potentially stressful visit like dairy and simple carbs. It is important that we focus on healthy choices for the entire person not just for the visual pleasure of looking at the person.
Ask if you can do something to assist the individual. Create a space where emotions are valued and not dismissed or punished. This is partially accomplished by not using dismissive comments such as “it’s not that bad.” “Look on the bright side” anything that starts with “at least” or that compares their suffering to someone else’s.
Corporations: Companies can prioritize self-care through incentive programs. Instead of offering prizes for the employee that takes the most steps or loses the most weight, offer recognition for personal accomplishments and achievements in other areas. Did the employee utilize a mental health day before having a crisis? Did they accomplish a personal goal of publishing a book or finishing a project or certificate program?
Set dedicated time aside for lunch. Strictly prohibit work during this period and create an environment that supports healthy relationships with food and body. This may be accomplished by not overly focusing on posting signage that pushes the narrative of good and bad foods. Use images of employees of varying levels of conventional attractiveness in their advertisements and in-house communications.
Offer access to EAP services that includes mental health care and group meetings. Provide time off as needed to access these services to reduce the burden of seeking help.
Communities: create inclusive spaces with a variety of seating sizes, use images of people of different sizes, races, ages, and levels of conventional attractiveness. As a community, avoid the commercialization of things such as themes that promote getting summer ready or that prey on a person’s desire to be good enough. This may mean limiting competitions that are aimed at physical prowess or offering alternative community engagement opportunities when a physical competition is held.
Provide a space in the community center for advertisements for mental health resources, promote appropriate groups and self-help meetings in publications and within the community center or town hall.
Create a program within the local school system to help young people become more educated with the natural growth process that happens within their bodies and the healthy development of fat deposits that occur.
Offer safe lunch spaces in schools and in public spaces where food sensitive people can eat in a smaller, less visible environment.
As you know, one of the challenges of an eating disorder is the harmful, and dismissive sentiment of “why can’t you just control yourself”. What do you think needs to be done to make it apparent that an eating disorder is an illness just like heart disease or schizophrenia?
When we can see an eating disorder for what it is, we may be better equipped to treat people with the same measure of kindness that we would someone suffering from a physical ailment.
Eating disorders are an expression of suffering. An eating disorder is the symptom not the cause. A person develops an eating disorder for a plethora of reasons, none of which is because they lack self-control.
Some of the reasons a person may use an eating disorder are:
To show that they have the ability to control themselves or their body.
To prove that no one can harm them more than they can harm themselves. Thereby offering themselves a sense of safety.
To punish themselves for perceived wrongs or failures.
In response to trauma.
Or to externalize the internal suffering they are experiencing.
As a result, it is important not to take a one size fits all approach to interacting with an individual suffering from an eating disorder. Instead, it is essential to understand their unique circumstances and to respond accordingly.
We can help people increase their awareness of the severity of eating disorders and the nature of them through educational materials in school, work, and social media environments. The acts of publishing information, talking about it, sharing personal stories, or presenting data related to eating disorders may help increase awareness.
It is important that we start at home. Start educating parents when they are pregnant and in the pediatric doctor’s appointments on how to discuss food with their children. Forcing a child to ignore their internal hunger cues through the use of feeding schedules or forcing them to “clean their plates” lays the foundation for potential eating disorders in the future. Furthermore, these meetings may help the parents develop a clearer understanding of the causes of disordered eating patterns.
Can you please share with our readers 5 ways to support a loved one who is struggling with an eating disorder? If you can, can you share an example from your own experience?
1 . Share your concern in a non-judgmental way. One of the things I hear from clients, and I personally felt, is that they feel invisible in their suffering. Speak up. Tell them that you love them and are concerned for them but do so in love not condemnation. Don’t comment on their looks at all, instead ask if they need to talk. Tell them that you’ve noticed that they do not appear to be meeting their body’s needs and let them talk.
2 . Do not attempt to control them. Instead, offer to be a source of support to help them process their thoughts when a desire to engaged in disordered eating hits. Do they need help selecting a food item, do they need help discussing their thoughts and feelings? Develop a plan before it is needed together as a team. Attempts at control can intensify the symptoms of an eating disorder.
3 . If they are open with you about having an eating disorder, do not comment on their size. Do not say “I wish I could have an eating disorder for a little while” these sort of comments are terribly hurtful. Instead, validate their experience by stating that you can see that this is difficult for them and reassure them that you are a safe person to talk to about their concerns.
4 . When they are ready, sit with them as they go through their belongings and remove the items they no longer fit, if they are in recovery, or the items that helped them maintain their eating disorder such as scales, binge foods, and supplements.
5 . Help them find mental health resources once they are ready and once they express an interest. If the situation is life-threatening, you may have to make decisions for them, whenever possible this should be avoided.
How do you navigate the balance between offering support and respecting the autonomy of a loved one with an eating disorder?
Is there a message you would like to tell someone who may be reading this, who is currently struggling with an eating disorder?
You are far more than the experiences that have occurred in your life. Yes, perfection is a beautiful idea, but many things are far more precious as ideas than reality. It is the soft pursuit of perfection that brings joy not a dogged desperation to obtain perfection. The latter brings suffering and feelings of inadequacy.
Your body is a beautiful gift. It allows you to feel the world around you, to interact with all of the things that you love and the things you don’t, it brings you new possibilities each day. Repay it with kindness not punishment. In the same way that you wouldn’t hit someone for crying, don’t beat yourself up for hurting. It is okay that you love yourself right now, would you love someone who said the things you say to yourself? If not, change the way you talk to yourself. You are talking to someone deserving of love. For today, practice honoring your body by giving it the fuel it needs to continue serving you, honor yourself by acting like you love yourself. We protect what we love. Protect yourself.
In your experience, what are the most effective strategies for building resilience and a positive self-image in individuals recovering from an eating disorder?
Identify and work on the underlying concerns that grew into an eating disorder. Sit with your emotions and listen to what the emotion is attempting to teach you. Emotions are there to highlight an unmet need. They do not always do this in a healthy manner, as a result it is necessary to sit with them until you understand them. Write down what you are thinking, what you are feeling, and what urges you are experiencing. Is there another way to satisfy that need or urge? What unmet need is this process revealing?
Talk to yourself like you love yourself without arguing or dismissing your own comments. It doesn’t have to be 100% true it just needs to be true in the moment. A good way to start is to use the same rules you do when discouraging yourself. If you call yourself stupid for spilling a drink, call yourself talented, accomplished, or intelligent for successfully pouring or drinking a drink without spilling it.
Go to therapy. No matter how self-aware you are, you are still stuck with your own thought patterns. It isn’t that the therapist is smarter than you or better than you, they are simply outside of the situation and are trained to help you sort through it in an unbiased way.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that have helped people with this struggle? Can you explain why you like them?
Self-exploration journals: I do not have a specific book that I love as I offer different suggestions to my clients based on their independent needs. I encourage my clients to work on identifying these needs and underlying causes. This was the concept behind the guided journal I published. Although it is not directed specifically at healing eating disorders, it is designed to help address many of the underlying factors that contribute to the development of an eating disorder. Journey Within: Personal Discovery and Growth Journal.
The Recovery Warrior Show: I appreciate the open discussion and dialogue that is engaged in with professionals and people with lived experiences. It offers multiple layers of perspectives and helps those suffering with an eating disorder and their loved ones a sense of support and normalcy.
Resources: Individual counseling, recovery groups such as Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous, Food Addicts Anonymous, and online communities that are geared toward recovery. This is another area where I consider the specific demographics and needs of my clients before providing a direct suggestion.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the largest amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I would love to explore the concept of building quiet legacies. We as a society appear to be feeding on out in the open acts of kindness or movements of change. Although I agree that these big movements are necessary, many people will not have the ability to engage in such overt actions. Instead, I would love to work on helping people identify what power they have and how they want to use it in smaller ways that promote long-term change. Breaking maladaptive patterns, breaking generational trauma, changing norms in their family units and friendships, and other related changes.
How can our readers continue to follow your work online? https://rebekahjones1.tribesites.com/
Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!
Rebekah Jones of Dr Jones Counseling On How To Support A Loved One Who Is Struggling With An Eating… was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.