Sexuality Expert Kaamna Bhojwani On How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love

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Don’t take things personally — especially if things don’t work out. Sometimes it’s truly not about you. Your job is to continue to work on yourself so that you can be the best partner to someone deserving.

In today’s fast-paced and interconnected world, finding and maintaining meaningful romantic relationships can be a daunting task. From navigating dating apps to managing expectations in a digital age, there are numerous challenges individuals face in their quest for love. Through this series, we would like to explore the complexities of modern dating and relationships, offering insights, advice, and strategies for navigating the often confusing landscape of love in the 21st century. In this series, we are talking to experts in psychology, relationship coaching, sociology, matchmaking, and individuals with personal experiences navigating the modern dating scene, to share their knowledge, perspectives, and stories. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Kaamna Bhojwani.

Kaamna Bhojwani is a sexuality researcher, educator, coach, and thought leader. Kaamna specializes in sexual shame which she studied most recently at Columbia University. For the past four years, Kaamna has tackled uncomfortable topics such as sexless marriages, infidelity and sexual stigma head on in her online talk show, KaamnaLive. Kaamna is a regular on NBC and has offered relationship and sexuality advice on innumerable podcasts and publications. Kaamna’s life philosophy is simple — nothing in the human experience is profane, so let’s talk about it.

Kaamna lives in California with her two kids, aged 12 and 15, and her dog, Masti (means “mischief” in Hindi).

Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?

I grew up in Mumbai, India, to an unconventional family by any standards. Dating and sexuality was assumed to be a normal part of development so no one made a big fuss about my sister and I as we came of age. It was actually when I came to America for college that I realized that sexuality around the world was kind of a big deal, and a tricky subject. I carried on with my life though, studying psychology, got married, had kids, lived in Australia and the UK, and always pondered the question: if sexuality is such a big part of who we are, why are we so ashamed of it?

I didn’t know I was going to hit that question head on, until I did. In 2018, I released my first video online called “Everything You Need To Know About the Female Orgasm”. I wanted to combine my psychology knowledge with my media presence and bring in experts to help people unstick their sexual blockages. Six years and thousands of viewers and videos later, I am a well-known sexuality expert tackling taboo topics like infidelity, sexless marriages and gender stereotypes, daily.

I am fundamentally an academic, and I wanted to study the science of sexuality. In 2021, I enrolled at Columbia University during the pandemic, and set off to investigate sexual shame formally. What I found was fascinating — how it’s instilled in us from childhood, how college girls feel a double standard but college boys don’t, how men experience shame around their bodies, their porn usage, and more. I began to do my own research — interviewing men and women from around the world, about their experiences of sexual shame and this is the data I now share with the world.

What I know so far is that our experiences around sexual shame are more similar across the world than we think. Every major institution that touches our lives, from our parents to our churches to our employers, is implicated in how ashamed we feel about who and how we love and make love. So how do we undo those messages and patterns? Consciously and carefully. I’m going to show you how.

Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?

Today, I am a sexuality researcher, coach, educator and author. I teach people about the nature of sexual shame and help them track its effects in their lives. On stages, podcasts and in print, I share my research on cross-cultural experiences of sexuality in men and women across the world and I reveal my tried and tested antidote — a strong spiritual mindset and practice. Finally, as a thought leader in the field, I am looking ahead to AI and other advances in technology and how they are going to impact our ability to connect with ourselves and one another.

You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?

  • Deep expertise — In an age of influencers, it is important to stand out as an authority. All of my work is grounded in science and data, as much as one can pin down complex topics such as human relationships and sexuality. I conduct my own research, keep up with respected professionals in my field and try to read as many books as possible that can expand and challenge my perspective.
  • Passion — I believe unabashedly in what I do and the importance of my work. This tenacity has held me in good stead in a field where people are still quite reticent to have open dialogues and take risks. I know I’ve chosen an unconventional path and I have to blaze the trail for people who come behind me. I also derive great pleasure from what I do — sitting at home and reading a research paper is exciting!
  • Time management — This sounds mundane, but it is critical. If you’re an entrepreneur you need to be able to structure and prioritize your time and energy for maximum efficiency. This means saying no when you must, outsourcing when you can and factoring time for strategic thinking to complement frenetic action. It’s a delicate balancing act.

Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?

I am in the process of writing my first book entitled: Sex, Shame, and Spirituality, sharing stories people have shared with me about how they overcame sexual shame in their lives. I continue to run a coaching practice and create cutting edge and provocative content for social media. In 2024 I am doing a lot more speaking around the world, particularly on relevant topics like sex and AI. You can keep track of where I am through my newsletter by signing up on KaamnaLive.com

For the benefit of our readers, can you briefly tell our readers why you are an authority on the topic of dating and finding love?

My life’s work is at the intersection of psychology, sexuality and spirituality. Everyday I help people see themselves for who they are so they can show up for others in their relationships.

Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love’. Based on your experience, what is a common root cause of the “inability to find love”?

I think the root of our “inability to find love” is our impatience.

Let me explain. In our modern, technology-enabled world, we are used to everything at our fingertips, to the instant gratification of wanting something and getting it delivered to our door two hours later. We think this paradigm should apply to our dating lives.

It doesn’t and it shouldn’t.

First of all, intimacy takes time and it deserves complete and dedicated mindshare.

In a world that glamorizes multi-tasking, when was the last time you completely focused on anything?

I am not blaming us, I am highlighting that this frantic pace and the idea that the next thing might be better is shooting us in the foot if we want a meaningful relationship. It’s an invitation to get off the hamster wheel, at least in your personal life.

What are some common misconceptions or myths about finding love in the modern world, and how can they be debunked?

Many people say that dating in the modern world is doomed. I don’t believe that it is. I believe that first you have to do the inner and honest work with yourself to answer questions like: What kind of relationship do you want? What trade-offs are you willing to make to get it? What are your non-negotiables? Have you dealt with some of your own relationship baggage? (Don’t kid yourself, we all have some).

Once you do a little internal housekeeping, you’ll have a clearer idea of who you want to share your home and heart with.

What advice do you have for individuals who feel overwhelmed or disillusioned by the challenges of modern dating, and how can they maintain hope and optimism in their search for love?

Time, baby, time. And take the pressure off. You know how they say that people find love the minute they stop looking for it? It’s a pure energetic thing. When you’re “desperately” looking for someone to complete you, you’re signaling scarcity and lack to the universe and that’s what you attract. Make yourself whole, complete yourself, love yourself and that’s what will come back to you.

Let’s explore how the rise of social media and dating apps has impacted the way individuals approach and experience dating and relationships. Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use social media to find love?

Social media sites are less about finding love and more about telling your story. I would use various platforms to hone in and refine your personal brand. Instagram is the summation of your life and experiences, LinkedIn is your professional footprint and Threads can be an indication of what you’re interested in, intellectually. Remember the niche that each of these serves and for heaven’s sake, don’t be that person that’s propositioning someone romantically or sexually on the wrong platform.

Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use dating apps to find love?

Dating apps have risen tremendously in popularity over the past decade, so much that they are considered the default and primary way to meet new people. The good news is that depending on where you are in your journey, there is, literally, an app for that. Some apps are dedicated to casual hookups, others to serious relationships. Some offer the opportunity for sexual exploration, others for religious connection. Dating apps cut by ethnic group, social group and activities. So how do you decide which ones to get on?

By being crystal clear on what your goal is for that moment.

And then recognizing it may change over time.

The second most important thing about dating apps is to decide whether you want to project something you think people want to see, or if you want to share your authentic self.

The answer seems obvious, but you’d be surprised how many people overshoot, in an effort to “sell” themselves. Yes, you want to be appealing, and you want to be yourself.

Instead of letting writing your dating profile be an intimidating prospect, use it as an opportunity for reflection and try to answer these 5 questions honestly:

  • What do I love most about myself?
  • What am I looking for in a partner/relationship IN THIS MOMENT?
  • What are my absolute non-negotiables?
  • What would a really fun first date look like?
  • What are some areas I know I need to work on myself (you don’t have to share these — but think about them)

Remember on a dating app — you don’t want to attract everyone. You want to attract the right one (s). So better you’re clear up front about who you are, and what you want.

Can you share a few dos and don’ts about looking for romance in real-life physical spaces like congregations, bars, markets, and conventions?

My number 1 tip for real-life romance is to be very aware of the nonverbal cues your body is giving you. Attraction is after all, energy. If you’re drawn to someone, try not to overthink it and go with the flow, and if your gut is throwing up red flags, try not to dismiss them without regard.

Secondly, never go to a place “on the prowl”. It gives off a prey-predator energy that you definitely don’t want in your dating life. Go out to enjoy yourself, regardless of whether or not you meet anyone.

My third rule is — don’t follow arbitrary rules. There are so many silly unspoken norms that people buy into simply because they don’t have the courage to be themselves. If you are adhering to ideas like women shouldn’t approach men or don’t sleep with someone too soon, at least take a moment to understand where those beliefs come from. Are they even yours? If not, it might be worth letting them go as they might be holding you back.

What are your thoughts about the challenges and opportunities that come with workplace romances?

I’m usually a “follow your heart” kind of girl, but I am not a big fan of workplace romances even though I know that given how much time we spend at work, they are likely and common. First of all, it must be acknowledged that certain workplace relationships like dating someone in your direct chain of command are often forbidden by companies, and many others are frowned upon.

Professional implications aside, workplace relationships can also be problematic because they could be a distraction at work and make the environment uncomfortable in the event of a break up. Finally, while it could be fun for a couple to have a common context to talk about outside of work, it can also get monotonous.

Overall, my recommendation is to keep your dating life separate from your professional one.

Can you discuss the role of vulnerability and authenticity in forming meaningful connections and finding lasting love?

I don’t think you have any real relationship with vulnerability and authenticity, romantic or otherwise. Vulnerability is the courage to be seen and authenticity is showing your true self; they go hand in hand. In a world where there’s such pressure to “normalize” everything, it takes strength to stand out. But take it from me — there is nothing more validating than being loved for who you are versus who you’re trying to project to be.

Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Things You Need To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love”?

1 . Get clear on your goals — what type of relationship do you want?

2 . Know thyself — what are your must-haves and non-negotiables?

3 . Be selective about dating apps. Learn about their value proposition and culture. I recommend being on no more than 3 at a time.

4 . When it comes to dating profiles, you’re not selling, you’re presenting. You want to showcase your best, most authentic self, not some false image you think someone else will like. That’s going to be your best shot at meeting someone compatible.

5 . Don’t take things personally — especially if things don’t work out. Sometimes it’s truly not about you. Your job is to continue to work on yourself so that you can be the best partner to someone deserving.

Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?

You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂

I am all in on the sexual revolution. I truly think honoring your sexual identity and allowing it free expression without judgment and shame is the ultimate act of self love. I want to help as many people as possible get there as possible.

How can our readers further follow your work online?

Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!

Thank you for letting me weigh in on this important topic!

Sexuality Expert Kaamna Bhojwani On How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.