A true leader must be herself, and to achieve that she must embrace her vulnerability. Honesty matters. She draws her strength from that openness, it gives her the ability, the talent to listen, connect, relate to her fellow human beings.
As part of my series about “authors who are making an important social impact”, I had the pleasure of interviewing Michelle Taja Miller.
Michelle Taja Miller makes for a fascinating interview — an expert on Primal Therapy. In her fascinating new book: The Invisible Self: Broken Childhood, Primal Healing she explains one of the most powerful and least understood therapies to unwrap childhood trauma. About the book: Our journeys to adulthood are punctuated with unexpected events, often fraught with emotional or physical danger. Too many of us grow up with our nightmares, demons, and skeletons in the closet; and children are still the largest oppressed minority. “The Invisible Self” is a story of survival that is so intense, reaching adulthood was an achievement in itself.
Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive into the main focus of our interview, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?
I grew up in Paris, France in the early 1950s. I have early memories, the magical sounds of music my father played on his classical guitar at night, by my crib, rocking me to sleep, feeling blissfully safe, the leathery smell in his workshop as he carried me around explaining things I could not possibly understand, but bathing in the warmth in his voice, the daytime sounds of work filtering in from the backstreets of our neighborhood.
By the time I was 9 months old, I was left in the care of a foster mother. I remember her long black dresses, her kind attention and care, and more than anything the peal of her laughter that delighted my ears. There was a garden where I spent a lot of time, running, playing, a carefree little girl communing with nature.
Looking back, the peacefulness and loving attention of these early times gave me the inner strength for what was to follow.
A couple of years later, I was taken away from her and left in one foster home after another until age six. Then the pendulum swung from sunshine to darkness and from peace to chaos.
There, I discovered a world that made no sense, a world of sarcasm, mockery, extreme brutality, emotional, physical and sexual. Looking back, I do not think I would have survived it if it had not been for the precious time in my earlier life. It gave me the strength to hang on. I kept hoping to be rescued, but when my mother came to visit very occasionally, and left me there, the despair I felt was too much. Being repeatedly abandoned by her broke our bond forever.
The foster home period came to an end. I returned to live with my mother and the man who would later become my stepfather.
Although not physically violent, I feared his demeaning and belittling behavior towards me. Overwhelmed by imposed domestic chores, school became a reprieve. In my mid-teens, music helped to free me from a controlled and subservient existence, restoring some brightness and joy.
When you were younger, was there a book that you read that inspired you to take action or changed your life? Can you share a story about that?
It was “The Interpretation of Dreams” by Sigmund Freud.
I became fascinated by the idea that our dreams could be “translated” to reveal what is hidden behind repression. I began to record my dreams, trying to decipher the true meaning behind the symbolism. For me, it was the beginning of a journey of discovery taking shape, bringing the unconscious to consciousness by interpreting the symbols.
When I was nineteen, this led me to seek a Freudian psychoanalyst I met regularly for a couple of years, hoping to better understand my inner world of panic attacks and ongoing roller coaster of emotions.
I remember distinctly lying on a couch in his office, bearing my soul, while all along I could feel rising tension in my entire body, and then total exhaustion. Eventually, I realized that merely describing something in words felt like scratching a wound, inflaming it, with no balm to soothe and allow healing to take place. It was all an intellectual exercise that never led to resolution of symptoms.
I felt there had to be a way to be fully reactive in the expression of painful emotions and it could not be achieved using only words and cognition. I became preoccupied with finding a therapeutic approach that integrated the expression of emotional distress in all its intensity. The image I had was that of a child having a temper tantrum, the expression of frustration, anger, rage with screams, pounding fists, kicking, etc.
It was clear to me that, when the explosion had passed, tears would take over, the tears of the inconsolable child feeling the hurt of an unmet need.”
Reading Arthur Janov’s “The Primal Scream”, in 1977, ended my search. Someone out there had found the answers I was looking for. This was for me the beginning of a long and arduous journey, which “The Invisible Self” describes, exorcising the demons of the past through reliving childhood traumas which when fully integrated, completely changed me in ways I could never have imagined.
It has been said that our mistakes can be our greatest teachers. Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
It is only funny because it is about times when people are unable to contain their hurt that erupts in the most inappropriate of circumstances, which can lead to laughter.
Many years ago, back from the States, I taught English to young adults, teenagers and kids who were reluctant to learning the language. I became popular, they called me “the American” 🙂
Desperate teachers brought me their own kids hoping they would learn with me. English being a curriculum requirement, they could not afford to fail. It really worked out beyond my wildest dreams.
One day, a 12-year-old girl who had been my student for a while, a smart, attentive and sweet kid, was that day unusually quiet and obviously distracted. I paused and gently pointed out that she was not being her usual self that day. She turned to me and hesitated, so I encouraged her to tell me what was on her mind. Big tears began to roll down her rosy cheeks and she told me she wanted so much to go to the hairdresser! But her mom did not want to take her. So, I asked her why.
“She works too much; she does not have time…” she replied
A thought crossed my mind, and I said:
“When your mom comes to get you, we’ll ask her and with her permission, I’ll take you.”
She began to cry deeply, sobbing without reserve -watching her distress brought me close to tears, as I could hear that this was about a lot more than a visit to the hairdresser. I sat with her and when she was done, she looked up at me her big clear eyes swollen by the tears and gave me a big smile I will never forget. It was as if she had let go of a heavy burden.
The lesson it taught me is that everyone has access to their deepest feelings when it is safe to go there. It is not a technique. It is about humanity, really seeing, hearing and listening. And about kindness.
By the way, her mom said yes, and we went to the hairdresser together. There was a story about a boy she liked … a lot, behind all that.
Can you describe how you aim to make a significant social impact with your book?
The therapeutic process had offered me alternative solutions to a life of despair. By uncovering the origins of my panic disorder, fear of abandonment, and relentless search for validation, I uncovered the true story, that of my invisible self, devastated by the effects of early childhood trauma.
We are to a greater or lesser degree, a society of walking wounded trying to adjust to norms that imprison us and impede our natural healthy development.
As children, forgetting is the only tool we have to save our lives and our sanity. But it is not without consequences. When the needs to be touched, held, reassured and cared for are unfulfilled, these unmet basic needs have a lifelong impact on our ability to bond, to develop healthy relationships, to take good care of ourselves and others.
So, unveiling repressed unconscious hurt, remembering, realizing that how it drives our behaviors and our thoughts, reliving it until it loses its grip on us, and discarding it seems to be a way to move forward while transforming, healing one step at a time.
Primal THERAPY is about learning a process, how to recognize triggers, use the emotions that come up and let them lead the way to our long-buried repressed hurt. It is about making the connection between present and past hurt, about realizations that will lead to small life changes, one baby step at a time. Then it’s no longer therapy, it’s about integrating the process in our lives, we can call it emotional cleansing.
As a survivor, a social writer and a healer, I am throwing out a lifeline, an overhanging branch to those who may still be in the river and my book hopefully will show people who suffer and are ashamed of it that it is not their fault that they’re not alone. It is a way to not abandon them.
There is hope for healing with people who care because they have healed to some extent, they can listen, really listen and in so doing, make it safe for their hurt to reappear and be resolved.
If this therapy is recognized and applied on a larger scale, it might transform a person’s life, then another. One at a time. The way they change will have an impact on their loved ones and immediate social circles. And the more people recover and change, the more I would expect to see changes mushrooming overtime in a society that would gradually move away from its focus on profit, value feelings, creativity, critical thinking and happiness of living in the moment rather than in its pursuit.
This hope for societal transformation fueled my belief in the importance of sharing my experiences and insights, that I view as a contribution towards a brighter future for humanity. I shared my story of healing in the hope of attracting readers from many walks of life, including midwives, nurses, pediatricians, psychologists, and therapists, all experts in various modalities, with the common goal of helping their patients.
Can you share with us the most interesting story that you shared in your book?
It is the story of my birth. Not as I was told, but as I re-lived it over decades of deep feeling work.
In his book, “Birth without Violence” (1974), Frédérick Leboyer, a French obstetrician advocated for a gentler approach to childbirth. He believed the practice of modern medicalized birth to be a series of traumatic events for the newborns and describes the unnecessary agony and suffering they experience. He proposed the use of gentle methods to ease the newborn’s transition from the womb to the outside world. by creating a darker, more peaceful environment during delivery and by placing the baby on the mother’s stomach immediately after birth — as well as delaying the cutting of the umbilical cord, infant massage, and a warm bath.
As I relived many sequences of my birth, I understood that all of them, whether it be the peaceful bliss floating in amniotic fluid, the disruption, the fight for being born, being strangled by the umbilical cord, the kinked cord cutting off our oxygen supply, being pulled out, hung upside down, the noise, the lights, all of it leaves in us imprints. It is like a collection of recorded moments that never get erased, but that we do not remember. Why? Because terrifying sensations and extreme vulnerability along with the most devastating sense of helplessness and hopelessness are part of the experience.
I think we need to forget because at the time we are being born, we come closer than ever to death.
But more interesting than the re-experience of birth itself are the mind-bending and life-changing insights that come with it. It is not an intellectual understanding, it is from deep within, like a progressive slow rewiring of the brain.
Because the way we were born drives most of our thoughts, feelings, perceptions and behaviors for a lifetime, I believe that if there is one way to change the world, it is to change the way we are born.
That’s where it all begins.
What was the “aha moment” or series of events that made you decide to bring your message to the greater world? Can you share a story about that?
Primal therapy, in its application, has often been in opposition to its own original concepts, as it often failed to provide a nurturing therapeutic environment. There have been mistakes, and tragedies caused by those mistakes, which in my opinion, were the direct consequences of unresolved therapists projecting, judging, and limiting their patients progress while completely unaware of it.
Additionally, its flawed implementation has prevented it from gaining acceptance as a conventional therapeutic method within the psychological community. I came to realize that what I wrote was not solely the journey of my healing; it transcended that. It illustrated how Primal therapy when done right offers hope to others …
Additionally, its flawed implementation has prevented it from gaining acceptance as a conventional therapeutic method within the psychological community. I came to realize that what I wrote was not solely the journey of my healing; it transcended that. It illustrated how Primal therapy when done right offers hope to others, and I wanted to share that hope, offer inspiration, by showing sufferers that healing is possible and that they are not alone on their journey.
Despite its challenges, I came to recognize its unique ability to alleviate human suffering, by helping individuals access, relive, and resolve deep-seated traumas. The hurdles I encountered did not lead me to reject the therapy, but instead inspired me to find my own path within it.
Delving into our unconscious traumas enables us to fulfill our potential, it breaks the cycle of perpetual trauma and prevents its transmission to future generations.
It also reveals the root causes of societal issues like conflict and environmental degradation, paving the way for a more harmonious existence. This hope for societal transformation fueled my belief in the importance of sharing my experiences and insights.
Without sharing specific names, can you tell us a story about a particular individual who was impacted or helped by your cause?
My book has touched and had an impact on a few people who have commented and reviewed it.
I am hoping that it will help all those who fell through the cracks over decades. They need to know how untrained and inexperienced so many “therapists” were. Art Janov introduced them as highly trained and competent, which was unfortunately more of a sales pitch than a reality.
As patients we did not know better, we assumed they were “resolved” individuals so when they acted in ways that were at times brutal, and inappropriate, it only re-created our past circumstances, but we were none the wiser.
As kids we blame ourselves for the way we are treated, and in therapy it is very much the same. These patients are still out there. They left with the belief that they had failed. It is not they who failed; it is the therapy that failed them.
As a Primal Healing Coach, I might feel that I am helping my clients, but I think it is not for me to say. Only my clients know.
Are there three things the community/society/politicians can do to help you address the root of the problem you are trying to solve?
I call on any who can to raise the consciousness of those who can fund counseling for the distressed among us.
Many work in solo practices, where possibilities are limited. A geographical center, a supervised training program for “would-be therapist” could be created.
With a research team and some real resources, I believe Primal therapy phase 2 could be launched, setting something in motion that might lead to profound individual and societal changes over time.
We have to start somewhere and “travel hopefully.”
How do you define “Leadership”? Can you explain what you mean or give an example?
A true leader must be herself, and to achieve that she must embrace her vulnerability. Honesty matters. She draws her strength from that openness, it gives her the ability, the talent to listen, connect, relate to her fellow human beings.
Leaders often feel that they cannot show weaknesses, they must project the image of someone who knows. But to me a true leader has the knowledge that she does not know what she does not know.
So, it is about having the courage of her convictions while remaining open to learning and discovering that what she previously thought was inaccurate, simplistic, misinformed, etc. She must have the emotional flexibility to keep learning and keep changing.
She has no investment in being right, no neurotic need for recognition because when it is the neurotic expression of being in search of the love never received from parents, her focus is no longer on those she wishes to lead or help. The integrity of her pursuit to help others is compromised.
A true leader has no need for arrogance, or a sense of self-importance, or judgmentalism.
In my specialty, it means she must keep on healing herself to keep on being a healer.
What are your “5 things I wish someone told me when I first started” and why? Please share a story or example for each.
5 things and more are what a caring human would have said to the girl, the teen, the young woman to counteract the messages I read in the behavior of crazy adults towards me.
When I was little, I had no choice, but later it would have felt good to hear things like:
– Trust yourself, your intuition
– Follow your dreams but live in the moment. Both are precious.
– Ask for help, there is no shame in needing it.
– Choose your family, the ones you will love and trust as they will you.
– Walk away from those who have no interest in you, who hurt you, use you. You owe them nothing.
There are illustrations and stories from cover to cover.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
It has to be the words of Krishnamurti:
“There is hope in people, not in society, not in systems, but in you and me”
I feel it is something I have known for as long as I can remember. As youngsters we are schooled to fit the mold. We are not raised to have a mind of our own.
Traumatized children are often desperate to fit in because for them, it means being accepted, seen, heard, and ultimately loved. This is nevertheless an illusion in a society where acceptance and success are defined by material wealth and power.
Well-being, joy, creativity, and happiness are left in the dust.
In the never-ending pursuit of achievement, the precious moment of now becomes elusive, even blurred. Our salvation lies within, away from the ever-present noise around us.
“There is hope in people, not in society, not in systems, but in you and me”
Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. 🙂
In my darkest hour, two friends whose words saved me when I was about to fall into the abyss. I recently unearthed a letter each of them wrote to me. It took me back to that time, back in 1984. Unfortunate circumstances separated us. There was tenderness, so much tenderness in those pages and today, I wish they were here. I wish I could tell them what they meant to me. Sven & Julie. I forgot their last names.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
By reading my blog at integrated primal .com where I will keep posting articles that explores the deeper impacts of Primal therapy. As well as articles about what works and what does not, depending on individual set of circumstances, and early preverbal imprints.
This was very meaningful, thank you so much. We wish you only continued success on your great work!
Social Impact Authors: How & Why Author Michelle Taja Miller Is Helping To Change Our World was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.