An Interview With Brooke Young & Yitzi Weiner
Start trusting that other people have what they need: When we perceive people as strong and capable, our interactions with them change. If we view others as lacking, they can sense it in our communication. For example, when asking a waitress for a glass of water and ketchup, approaching it with deep gratitude and respect enhances the interaction, making the waitress feel appreciated. It’s essential to reflect people’s goodness to them instead of fearing that we must withhold our needs because they can’t handle direct communication.
In today’s society, the tendency to prioritize others’ needs and expectations over one’s own can lead to significant emotional and psychological challenges. In this series, we would like to explore the complex dynamics of people-pleasing behavior and its impact on individual well-being and relationships. We would like to discuss the root causes of people-pleasing behavior, its effects on personal and professional life, and practical steps for cultivating healthier relationships and self-esteem. We hope that this series can provide insights, strategies, and real-life experiences that can help individuals navigate and overcome the pitfalls of being a people pleaser. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Xandra Hawes, MA, LPC.
Xandra Hawes is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the owner of Soul Essence Psychotherapy in Boulder, Colorado. She specializes in working with sensitive and empathic people who struggle with people pleasing and communicating their needs. Xandra earned her Masters in Contemplative Psychotherapy and Buddhist Psychology from Naropa University where she also received her Meditation Instructor training. Before attending Naropa, she earned a graduate certificate in Holistic Health Studies from St. Catherine’s University. To learn more about Soul Essence Psychotherapy, click here.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
I am from the Midwest and grew up in a middle-class family in a small farming community. Throughout childhood and adolescence, I faced significant challenges in regard to finding satisfaction and ease in life because of my extreme sensitivity. While adults often admired my empathy and maturity, it felt like these very qualities that they praised were also barriers to forming deeper connections with other children.
Despite having loving and engaged parents, I was constantly preoccupied with what other people thought of me. This led me to seek solace in taking care of others and avoiding expressing my true thoughts and feelings. I excelled in academics and had a strong passion for humanitarian causes, which naturally drew me to fields like social justice, psychology, and holistic health. Throughout my life, I’ve been known for being extremely hard on myself. It wasn’t until I embarked on a journey of personal healing that I recognized how my sensitivity and empathy had become neurotic, ultimately disempowering me in various aspects of my life.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
I am a licensed professional counselor in private practice, and I specialize in supporting sensitive, empathic, and intuitive individuals in reclaiming their vitality, confidence, and empowerment. As you can probably infer, my own healing journey significantly influenced my career path and the individuals I work with. My clients often have big hearts but grapple with feelings of guilt or selfishness when it comes to addressing their own needs.
Thank you for sharing that. Now, let’s delve into our main topic of discussion: People Pleasing. To ensure that we’re all on the same page, let’s start with a straightforward definition. What does “People Pleaser” mean to you?
A people pleaser, in my view, is someone who avoids expressing their thoughts, feelings, and emotions to others in the hope of seeking validation and avoiding conflict. They often carry feelings of guilt, selfishness, or wrongdoing when it comes to articulating their needs, which can lead to harboring resentment towards themselves or the individuals they strive to please.
On the surface, it seems like being a person who wants to please others is a good thing. Can you help articulate a few of the challenges that come with being a people pleaser?
People pleasing is a learned behavior. To illustrate this, consider babies who instinctively express their feelings and desires without hesitation. They gradually learn which expressions and needs are met and deemed acceptable by their caregivers.
People pleasers are often looking for acceptance and validation from others, which can stem from childhood depending on how parents or caregivers responded to them when they expressed needs. For example, people pleasers may have difficulty understanding their own needs due to a learned tendency to withhold their true thoughts and feelings. This internal conflict can make it challenging for them to track their desires and openly express their thoughts without fearing negative consequences or conflict.
People pleasers frequently neglect their own needs because they haven’t learned that they can be loved and validated simply by being themselves. For individuals who grew up in demanding households where conforming to specific behaviors was enforced, or where they faced shunning, neglect, abuse, or other forms of mistreatment for being authentic, people pleasing can evolve into a survival strategy.
As a result, people pleasers often experience intense fear when it comes to expressing their opinions, dreading the possibility of rejection. This fear can be particularly overwhelming for those who are sensitive or empathic, as they tend to pick up on other people’s energies, body language, and emotions more keenly.
Does being a people pleaser give you certain advantages? Can you explain?
Being a people pleaser can provide certain advantages, but these benefits are often short-lived. By consistently putting aside your own needs, you may initially advance in your career because you are willing to say yes to tasks and responsibilities that others might decline. Similarly, you may find yourself surrounded by a large group of friends who frequently rely on you because you are an excellent listener. Generosity and empathy are admirable qualities, but when taken to the extreme of people pleasing, they can lead to challenges.
However, over time, people pleasers tend to experience the buildup of resentment towards the people and situations they strive to please. They may appear agreeable on the surface, but internally, they often struggle to trust those they are trying to please. If genuine trust existed, there would be no need to hide their own needs or grapple with expressing their true feelings openly. Unfortunately, long-term people pleasing can result in feelings of isolation, being unseen, unmet, harboring resentment, and feeling overwhelmed by the burden of continually sacrificing their own needs for the sake of others.
Can you describe a moment in your life when you realized that your own people-pleasing behavior was more harmful than helpful?
There was a significant moment in my life when I realized that my own people-pleasing behavior was doing more harm than good. It had reached a point where I would avoid responding to text messages, answering my phone, or making plans with others because I had depleted my emotional bandwidth from constantly supporting other people. However, I carried a heavy burden of guilt for my inability to be available.
The mere thought of spending time with people felt utterly exhausting, and this inner conflict of wanting to be a good friend but feeling overwhelmed and unseen had taken a toll on me. I was also embarrassed that I was terrified to express myself because I still felt responsible and selfish for having my own needs.
Then, during a meditation session while exploring the grief I held towards a relationship that had faded away, I had a profound realization. I noticed that I often refrained from saying no to people or expressing my true opinions because I didn’t trust that they had what they needed. Despite my deep love for people and a personal mission to serve humanity, I had fallen into a pattern of helping others out of a belief that they were lacking. This led me to imagine how uncomfortable it would be if a friend helped me solely based on their perception that I wasn’t strong or capable enough.
It was at that moment that I recognized how deeply my early childhood programming had influenced my behavior well into adulthood. Determined to change, I devoted several years during grad school to understanding how my sensitivity and empathy had inadvertently turned me into a disempowered people pleaser. Today, I feel much more equipped and attuned to this pattern within myself, and I’m grateful for having supportive friends who help me recognize when I slip into old habits of not expressing my true self.
In your opinion, what are the common root causes of people-pleasing behavior?
In my opinion, there are four common root causes of people-pleasing behavior: childhood trauma related to parenting, relational wounds (resulting from someone close or important walking away), unreasonably high expectations set by caregivers that lead to perfectionistic tendencies, and low self-esteem.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact personal relationships?
As mentioned earlier, people-pleasing behavior may initially lead to close personal relationships, but in the long run, it tends to foster mistrust and resentment. It becomes challenging to respect someone who neglects their own well-being and struggles to recognize their own needs. Consequently, people pleasers may unconsciously recreate unhealthy relationship dynamics in adulthood that resemble those with caregivers or parents who neglected them.
People pleasers may also attract individuals who drain their energy or seek excessive attention. These individuals often engage in gaslighting and manipulation, causing the people pleaser to doubt their own perspectives and ideas. This can further erode the people pleaser’s self-esteem.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact professional relationships?
In a professional setting, having a people pleaser on your team can lead to increased harmony and empathy, but it can also create challenges if the individual consistently overcommits to tasks they don’t genuinely want to undertake. Additionally, they may struggle to ask for assistance when needed and find it difficult to receive feedback without feeling personally attacked.
It’s important to note that people pleasers often possess the valuable trait of sensitivity. However, when this sensitivity is disempowered by people-pleasing tendencies, it can result in poor communication skills and emotional imbalances within the workplace.
How can long-term people-pleasing behavior impact an individual’s mental health?
Long-term people-pleasing behavior can significantly impact an individual’s mental health throughout their entire life if they fail to recognize how it disempowers them. It often goes hand in hand with anxiety, and if someone continues to say yes when they want to set boundaries, it can lead to depression. Moreover, it can result in burnout and compassion fatigue in the workplace, which may also contribute to physical health problems, such as adrenal fatigue and hormone imbalances.
In your experience, what is the role of self-awareness in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies, and how can individuals cultivate it?
Self-awareness plays a crucial role in helping individuals overcome people-pleasing tendencies. To express their needs and feelings authentically, they must become more attuned to their internal world and be willing to take brave steps to speak up, even when their instinct is to freeze or shut down. In my practice, I assist people in working through these challenges by encouraging them to take small steps in their everyday lives. For example, a person pleaser might struggle to signal a waitress in a restaurant for water or correct a barista’s mistake with their order.
I challenge my clients to identify 2–3 opportunities to go against their natural tendencies, and we focus on mindfulness awareness, emotional regulation, and positive affirmations to support their mental and emotional well-being when they encounter significant emotions during these interactions. Building self-trust and realizing that others won’t fall apart or criticize them for having needs is a vital first step.
Once someone becomes comfortable with this practice in public situations, we extend it to personal relationships and the workplace. Consistently following this process helps create new neural pathways in the brain and allows individuals to practice releasing their fear of rejection, abandonment, or guilt in various situations.
Here is the primary question of our discussion. Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Strategies Or Techniques That Can Help Individuals Break Free From The Cycle Of People-Pleasing”? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.
1 . Start trusting that other people have what they need: When we perceive people as strong and capable, our interactions with them change. If we view others as lacking, they can sense it in our communication. For example, when asking a waitress for a glass of water and ketchup, approaching it with deep gratitude and respect enhances the interaction, making the waitress feel appreciated. It’s essential to reflect people’s goodness to them instead of fearing that we must withhold our needs because they can’t handle direct communication.
2 . Recognize the old tapes of guilt and shame: Some individuals grew up in households where they were shunned or abandoned for speaking their truth. Engaging in inner child work with a therapist and staying attuned to emotions when these strong feelings arise can actively help shift these old thinking patterns. These “tapes” may be causing people-pleasing behaviors. Examples of old tapes include thoughts like, “This person will reject me if I say anything” or “they might leave me if I’m honest.”
3 . Practice, practice, practice: Embrace opportunities that challenge you and choose to be courageous. For example, in my early days of practice, it was challenging for me to put my hand over a glass of water at a restaurant when a server tried to refill it and express that I didn’t want more. I had to learn that the person wouldn’t be upset with me for setting a boundary.
4 . Bring in humor: People-pleasers are often hard on themselves, and recognizing the areas where they need to express or say no can initially feel daunting. If you say yes and later realize it should have been a no, take a deep breath, resist self-criticism, and credit yourself for recognizing it. Then, find a way to add humor to the situation. For example, when I made a mistake, I would say to myself, “Whoops — silly me, caretaking other people again.” Not making a big deal out of it helped me move on faster and trust that it wasn’t the end of the world.
5. Recognize that you might be making wrong assumptions about people: People-pleasers are often sensitive, empathic, and intuitive. However, this sensitivity can lead to making assumptions about what others need based on your perspective rather than theirs. For instance, I have a friend from a large family who learned to ask for her needs early on due to the competition for attention. Initially, in our friendship, I didn’t realize that she didn’t expect me to fulfill all her needs when she asked for something. She trusted that I would say no if I didn’t feel like it without taking it personally. However, I didn’t recognize this at first when she would express her perspective, and I typically gave in. Fortunately, she’s also an empath and sensed my underlying discomfort, leading to valuable discussions about personal responsibilities and authentic expression. I had assumed she needed all her needs and perspectives validated, which was incorrect. Additionally, by always giving in and never offering my opinion, she perceived me as inauthentic and devoid of personality.
What steps should people pleasers take to establish healthier boundaries?
For individuals who are highly sensitive people pleasers, practices such as meditation, mindfulness, or enrolling in energy medicine classes can be incredibly beneficial. These practices help you gain a deeper understanding of your emotions, thoughts, and energy. Additionally, it’s essential to prioritize self-care and actively seek opportunities to challenge your people-pleasing behavior to foster consistent personal growth.
How can someone who is naturally empathetic maintain their compassion while becoming more assertive?
Compassion for others entails having profound empathy for them while acknowledging their inner strength. When we perceive individuals as capable and equipped to help themselves, we view them as equals rather than providing support based on presumed inadequacy. This blend of compassion and self-awareness creates a powerful synergy that fosters self-trust and self-love. Those who genuinely love themselves and are unafraid of acknowledging their own needs often become the most giving individuals because they cease to fear the needs of others.
What are the most common misconceptions about people pleasers, and how do these misconceptions affect their journey toward recovery?
Some common misconceptions about people pleasers are that they are spineless or incapable of independent thinking. However, people pleasers often possess a rich inner world and do receive inner messages about their needs. Unfortunately, they have learned to suppress these needs in exchange for validation or acceptance. People pleasers are frequently generous individuals who prioritize harmony and deeply care about humanity. Additionally, people pleasers are often perceived as rule followers. In my experience as a therapist, I often observe people pleasers seeking alternative outlets to express their true selves because they yearn for authenticity. Healthy outlets may include connecting with nature, engaging in creative activities like making music or art. Unhealthy outlets may involve excessive substance use or engaging in high-risk behaviors.
What role can therapy or counseling play in helping individuals overcome people-pleasing behavior?
While I could delve into extensive details about how counseling can assist people pleasers, the key point to highlight is that people-pleasing behavior can manifest in various aspects of one’s life. The process of rewiring your brain and body to heighten awareness of these tendencies across different areas can be challenging and emotionally taxing. Therefore, having the guidance of a therapist or counselor to strategize practices, develop emotional resilience, foster authentic expression, and rebuild trust in your own voice becomes essential for the journey of recovery.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I aspire to establish an online platform offering free courses and meditation resources accessible to everyone, aimed at assisting individuals in overcoming emotional obstacles and fostering authentic expression. My vision is to materialize this endeavor in the coming years, driven by a profound belief that the convergence of mental health practices and principles from Buddhist psychology holds the potential to usher in a significant transformative wave within our society.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
Blogs and more information can be found at www.soulessencepsychotherapy.com
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
About the Interviewers:
Brooke Young is a multipassionate publicist, public speaking mentor, and communication consulting. She works with a wide range of clients across the globe, and across a diverse range of industries, to help them create, develop, and promote powerful messages through heart-centered storytelling. She has formerly worked On-Air with FOX Sports, competed in the Miss America Organization, and is the Author of a Children’s Book. She frequently works with children as a professional speaker where she educates on Volunteering and Therapy Dogs. She has over a decade of professional performing background and finds joy in sparking creative passions for her clients.
Yitzi Weiner is a journalist, author, and the founder of Authority Magazine, one of Medium’s largest publications. Authority Magazine is devoted to sharing in depth “thought leadership interview series” featuring people who are authorities in Business, Tech, Entertainment, Wellness, and Social Impact.
At Authority Magazine, Yitzi has conducted or coordinated thousands of empowering interviews with prominent Authorities like Shaquille O’Neal, Peyton Manning, Floyd Mayweather, Paris Hilton, Baron Davis, Jewel, Flo Rida, Kelly Rowland, Kerry Washington, Bobbi Brown, Daymond John, Seth Godin, Guy Kawasaki, Lori Greiner, Robert Herjavec, Alicia Silverstone, Lindsay Lohan, Cal Ripkin Jr., David Wells, Jillian Michaels, Jenny Craig, John Sculley, Matt Sorum, Derek Hough, Mika Brzezinski, Blac Chyna, Perez Hilton, Joseph Abboud, Rachel Hollis, Daniel Pink, and Kevin Harrington
Yitzi is also the CEO of Authority Magazine’s Thought Leader Incubator which helps business leaders to become known as an authority in their field, by interviewing prominent CEOs, writing a daily syndicated column, writing a book, booking high level leaders on their podcast, and attending exclusive events.
Xandra Hawes of Soul Essence Psychotherapy On How to Recover From Being a People Pleaser was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.