Navigating love in today’s world isn’t easy. We’re bombarded with choices, pressured by unrealistic standards, and tempted by the allure of something better. But perhaps by acknowledging these challenges and prioritizing authenticity and resilience in our relationships, we can find the genuine connections we crave. It’s about recognizing that healthy relationships take work, patience, and a willingness to navigate the complexities of modern love with grace and understanding. Real love and real relationships take time, effort and patience to build.
In today’s fast-paced and interconnected world, finding and maintaining meaningful romantic relationships can be a daunting task. From navigating dating apps to managing expectations in a digital age, there are numerous challenges individuals face in their quest for love. Through this series, we would like to explore the complexities of modern dating and relationships, offering insights, advice, and strategies for navigating the often confusing landscape of love in the 21st century. In this series, we are talking to experts in psychology, relationship coaching, sociology, matchmaking, and individuals with personal experiences navigating the modern dating scene, to share their knowledge, perspectives, and stories. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Zaahirah Adam.
Zaahirah, is the founder of the revolutionary new dating app — hati. She is also a dedicated dog mom, a British Championship bikini athlete, a former consultant, and currently Head of Strategy & Analytics for a UK Bank. Oh, and she’s also single. After enduring the frustrations of apps like Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, and the League while juggling a demanding career and personal life, Zaahirah became convinced there had to be a better way. That’s why she’s on a mission to revolutionize dating and create a dating app for intentional daters — where every single match turns into a date.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
My “Origin Story” is definitely a complex one. I grew up in London, but it wasn’t your typical childhood. I was raised in a violent household, and things only got more challenging from there. At the age of 15, I was diagnosed with a brain disorder, and a few years later, I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. A bit of a wild ride as you can see.
Growing up was far from easy. I haven’t spoken to my parents in over a decade, and I had to work three jobs to put myself through university. It’s been a long road, marked by years of therapy on and off since I was 15. Learning to talk about my experiences without breaking down, processing the emotions behind them, and facing the long-term implications on my life has been a journey in itself.
But I like to think of myself as a survivor. As Arnold Schwarzenegger once said, “Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.” Despite the challenges I’ve faced, I strive not just to survive, but to thrive — to channel my experiences into fuel for my ambitions. When I got diagnosed with my brain disorder I decided to do 5 AS levels over the usual 4 that was done. At each hurdle life has given me I try and hit back harder.
As Vivian Greene beautifully put it, “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.” Life isn’t easy, growing up for me was pretty traumatic but I’ve learned to find joy and resilience in the midst of adversity. Hopefully by being open and honest about my life and the journey to get here I will inspire others to do the same or — to find strength, courage, and beauty in their own struggles and to keep dancing through life’s challenges or at least know that they aren’t alone.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
So, I’m currently juggling two completely different worlds professionally. By day, I am the Head of Strategy and Analytics for a bank. But by night, I’m fully immersed in building a startup aimed at revolutionizing the modern dating scene.
Now, if you asked me about my career aspirations when I was younger, I would’ve told you I was dead set on becoming a lawyer. I’ve always had this innate drive to fix problems and understand the ‘why’ behind everything. I was that kid who constantly found themselves in the headteacher’s or head of year’s office for questioning the status quo. I mean, why should we brave the cold during break times when the school could’ve invested in heating the place up, right?
As I grew older, those questions became more profound. Why do people hurt each other, especially when it comes to their own kids? What is the purpose of education if it doesn’t prepare us for the realities of life beyond the classroom? How can we find love and relationships in an easier and kinder and less emotionally traumatising way? I was drawn to law initially because it seemed like the ultimate problem-solving career, but it wasn’t exactly what I envisioned. I craved a deeper understanding of how businesses operate and how to fix their issues.
So, I pivoted towards consulting, which turned out to be an incredibly enriching experience and a solid foundation for the career I’ve built. Along the way, I’ve had the privilege of working with some phenomenal CEOs who’ve not only mentored me but championed my growth. I’ve also encountered my fair share of less-than-stellar CEOs who tried to stifle my ambition and pigeonhole me into a background role. But you know what they say, you learn just as much about who you want to be from those who inspire you as you do from those you want to be nothing like.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
- Empathy: In leadership and business, it all boils down to people. Understanding others is essential because without that understanding, true leadership is impossible. I firmly believe that genuine leadership involves helping those around you become the best versions of themselves. It’s about tuning into their needs, recognizing when they’ve had a tough day, and adjusting your approach accordingly. But empathy goes beyond that; it’s also about being vulnerable and showing your authentic self to those you lead, acknowledging that you’re not perfect but striving to connect on a human level.
- Resilience: Life and business are rarely smooth sailing. Leadership requires weathering storms, taking hits for your team, and shouldering their burdens when they can’t bear them alone. It’s about falling down multiple times but summoning the strength to get back up, even stronger than before. In leadership, you’re often faced with uncomfortable conversations and challenging situations. Resilience means not only enduring these hardships but also finding ways to turn setbacks into opportunities for growth.
- Adaptability: While focus is crucial for leadership, so is the ability to recognize when you need to pivot. A good leader knows when they’re heading in the wrong direction and has the courage to change course, even if it means making tough and unpopular decisions. Adaptability is about being open to new ideas, embracing change, and having the conviction to lead your team in a different direction when necessary. It’s about being agile and flexible in your approach, always ready to adjust to new circumstances and challenges when the data tells you to.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
Right now, all of my energy and focus is going into building hati, it’s a game-changer in the dating scene. We’re not just another run-of-the-mill dating app; we’ve thrown the standard dating app concept out of the window and re-thought it from first principles. We’re laser-focused on fostering real connections, not just mindless swiping. We’re committed to helping people find real love and actual relationships.
With hati, we’re flipping the script. We’re prioritizing meaningful conversations over superficial interactions, that’s why every single match turns into a date with us. Plus, we’re rolling out some seriously innovative features to combat dating app fatigue. Think a strict no-ghosting policy, absolutely zero messaging and built-in mental health support — pretty groundbreaking stuff, right? Bio’s and about you’s will all be voice notes, what other dating app’s call advanced filters (things like family plans, religion, pretty basic stuff if you ask me) are all included for free with us.
I truly believe that hati is going to shake things up in a big way. By tackling the common challenges people face in modern dating, we’re aiming to create a platform where users feel respected, valued, and empowered to find genuine connections. Our mission? To redefine the whole dating game in the digital age, promoting healthier interactions and more fulfilling relationships and help people find love.
For the benefit of our readers, can you briefly tell our readers why you are an authority on the topic of dating and finding love?
Look, I’m just like any other person out there — I’ve spent the past 12 years diving headfirst into the world of dating by just trying to date and meet my person. Like anyone else who is single and tried to date or find love you become an authority in the topic because it’s 50% of the conversations with your friends. I could write a book longer than War and Peace about all of our dating mishaps, heartbreaks and near misses.
Instead of writing a book, maybe that’s my next venture, I’m taking all that knowledge and pouring it into building a dating app. It’s not just about my experiences though; it’s about the collective experiences of people around me. I’m merging my firsthand insights with the stories and struggles of others to create something truly impactful.
Ultimately, my goal is twofold: to help people find love and to help them love themselves and understand themselves better through therapy. It’s about combining my passion for connecting people with my drive to promote self-discovery and personal growth.
Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love’. Based on your experience, what is a common root cause of the “inability to find love”?
We’re in a period of real flux right now. If you think back to our parents’ era, life followed a pretty straightforward path: school, university, work, marriage, kids. They didn’t have the internet like we do today. Travel wasn’t as accessible, and going out to dinner was a luxury reserved for special occasions.
But our world today? It’s vastly different. We’re bombarded with an illusion of unlimited choice — between finding someone and staying single, between committing to our current partner or exploring the endless options out there. We’ve become a generation of instant gratification plagued with unrealistic expectations.
Plus, growing up with divorced parents? That’s added a whole new layer of complexity. It’s changed our views on love and family dynamics. We might have this underlying fear of commitment or uncertainty about what a healthy relationship looks like. It’s not just our parents’ relationships that impact us, it’s our own. We have more romantic relationships now than ever before and most of us take our baggage and trauma from each relationship into the next. Even when relationships end amicably these can impact the way we show up in our next relationships.
Before the internet, meeting someone required real effort and commitment. But now, with dating apps and constant connectivity, forming genuine connections has become more elusive. We’ve become more comfortable living through our screens than engaging face-to-face. This makes forming real connections harder.
Dating apps, in particular, offer a quick escape when things get tough. Instead of working through issues, it’s become all too common to swipe left and move on. Even among those in relationships, the temptation to seek greener pastures at the first sign of trouble is real. I recently had dinner with a friend who, despite being in a relationship, jumps back on dating apps after every argument. I think the traditional dating apps have a lot to answer for. They incentivize the completely wrong behaviour and have a huge impact on our mental health which is what I am trying to fix.
Social media only adds fuel to the fire. Platforms like Instagram and TikTok feed us a distorted image of love and life, making us believe that relationships should be effortless and that there’s a perfect match out there for everyone and love happens in an instant.
I had a firsthand experience that encapsulates the struggles of modern dating and actually hit me quite hard. I was seeing a guy I was actually excited about (pretty rare and hard to find these days!) — we were really compatible, had amazing chemistry, and shared the same values. I could see him becoming a best friend that I was attracted to, which is the holy grail right? But after just two months, he abruptly ended things, claiming he wasn’t “in love”, and he wasn’t ‘infatuated with me the way’ he thought he should be. I was bemused, perplexed and also really sad to realise how deeply ingrained these unrealistic expectations have become, amongst all ages (he was 38, you would have thought he would know a bit better).
Navigating love in today’s world isn’t easy. We’re bombarded with choices, pressured by unrealistic standards, and tempted by the allure of something better. But perhaps by acknowledging these challenges and prioritizing authenticity and resilience in our relationships, we can find the genuine connections we crave. It’s about recognizing that healthy relationships take work, patience, and a willingness to navigate the complexities of modern love with grace and understanding. Real love and real relationships take time, effort and patience to build.
What are some common misconceptions or myths about finding love in the modern world, and how can they be debunked?
Myth: Love should be effortless and perfect: It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that true love should be like a fairytale — effortless and flawless. But the truth is, all relationships take work. There will be ups and downs, and that’s okay. Arguing is normal as long as it’s respectful. It’s the effort you put in and the hiccups you overcome together, you against the problem not one of you against the other that really strengthens your bond.
Myth: There’s only one soulmate for everyone: I used to believe in the idea of a single soulmate, but the reality is much more nuanced. There are plenty of potential partners out there who could be a great match for you. It’s about finding someone who complements you and shares your values, rather than searching for a mythical perfect match.
Myth: Love should complete you: I think this is a dangerous myth because it suggests that you’re somehow incomplete without a romantic partner. But the truth is, you need to be whole and happy on your own before you can truly share your life with someone else. Self-love and independence are key.
Myth: Relationships should follow a predetermined timeline: Society often dictates that relationships should progress in a linear fashion — meeting, dating, moving in together, getting engaged, and so on. But every relationship is unique, and there’s no one-size-fits-all timeline. Some couples may take things slow and others may move quickly, and that’s perfectly okay. What matters most is that both partners are comfortable with the pace and direction of the relationship.
Myth: Love conquers all: While love is undeniably powerful, it’s not a magic fix for every problem. Relationships take more than just love — they require communication, compromise, and mutual respect. Sometimes, even the strongest love isn’t enough to overcome significant differences.
What advice do you have for individuals who feel overwhelmed or disillusioned by the challenges of modern dating, and how can they maintain hope and optimism in their search for love?
I’ve been there — I’m still single, and there are days when I feel completely disillusioned by the whole dating scene. It can be tough out there, and it’s easy to lose hope. But here’s the thing: you’re not alone. So many of us have felt overwhelmed and disheartened by modern dating. Knowing that others understand what you’re going through can be a small comfort in itself.
Firstly, it’s okay to feel that way. Dating can feel like an uphill battle, and it’s perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed by it all. One thing I’ve learned is the importance of acknowledging those feelings and allowing yourself to sit with them. Sometimes, I’ve found it necessary to take a step back, hit pause, and delete all the dating apps. Giving yourself a break and focusing on self-care can be incredibly empowering.
Remember, none of the failed dates or relationships matter until you find the one that does. You only need one person to make it all worthwhile. I have a close friend who went through years of terrible dates and almost gave up hope, especially as she approached her mid-30s and wanted to start a family. But then, she met an amazing man, and now they’re talking about moving in together and starting a family. Her journey has been a source of inspiration for me, reminding me that love can still find us when we least expect it.
In the meantime, until I find my partner in crime, I am focusing on the things that bring me joy and happiness; my dog, my friends, my business and travel. Find the things other than love that makes you feel alive and do those when things feel bleak.
Let’s explore how the rise of social media and dating apps has impacted the way individuals approach and experience dating and relationships. Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use social media to find love?
I only recently joined social media when I created the hati Instagram and TikTok accounts a few weeks ago, and I still don’t have my own personal one. So, I might not be the most experienced person to comment on this. However, there are a couple of things I’d like to share.
Firstly, let’s talk about LinkedIn. It’s not a dating platform — it’s a professional network. So please, let’s not use it as one! It’s really uncomfortable when someone tries to approach you romantically or sexually on a platform meant for professional connections.
In general, when it comes to social media, my advice is simple: don’t feel pressured to be on it if you don’t want to. Life happens off the screen, not on it. For years, all my friends kept pushing me to join Instagram, but it just didn’t feel right for me, and that’s okay. So, don’t let anyone pressure you into being on social media if it’s not your thing. It’s essential to stay true to yourself and your preferences, whether that means being active on social media or not.
Also, remember to take everything you see with a pinch of salt. What you see on social media isn’t always the full truth. I know couples who have the most perfect-looking relationship on Instagram, but I know their relationship personally, and it is nothing like what it appears online. I knew one influencer who, on the face of it, had the most jet-set incredible lifestyle, but the reality was her parents almost entirely financially supported her, she had very few friends, and she was really lonely. So, it’s important to remember that social media often portrays a curated version of reality.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use dating apps to find love?
Do:
- Use hati: It might sound a bit tongue-in-cheek, but if you’re tired of the traditional dating apps, give Hati a try. You might be pleasantly surprised by how much better the experience is compared to the rest.
- Be Honest: I’ve learned the hard way that pretending you’re not looking for a serious relationship doesn’t make things easier. Be upfront and honest about what you’re seeking. Authenticity is key to forming genuine connections.
- Be Yourself: We’re all unique, and that’s what makes us attractive. Don’t try to mold yourself into what you think someone else wants. Be true to who you are, and you’ll attract someone who appreciates you for you.
- Focus on What Matters: Cut through the noise and figure out what truly matters to you in a relationship. Superficial qualities often pale in comparison to deeper values and compatibility. Prioritize those aspects when connecting with others.
- Take a Break: It’s okay to take a step back if it all becomes too overwhelming. Being single doesn’t mean you have to be constantly active on dating apps. Give yourself permission to take breaks and focus on other aspects of your life when needed.
Don’t:
- Don’t Spend Forever Messaging: While it’s important to establish a connection, don’t get stuck in endless messaging. If there’s a spark, consider moving the conversation to a phone call or meeting in person sooner rather than later. Real-life interactions can provide a better sense of compatibility. On hati we have completely gotten rid of messaging. It’s video and phonecalls only.
- Don’t Ghost: It’s tempting to ghost someone when you’re not interested, but it’s not fair or kind. If you’re not feeling a connection, be upfront and honest about it. Respect the other person’s feelings by communicating openly. On hati we have a ghosting penalty.
- Don’t Pressure Someone: Respect boundaries and never pressure someone into doing something they’re not comfortable with. Whether it’s moving too quickly in the relationship or engaging in certain activities, always prioritize consent and mutual respect.
- Don’t Try to Change Someone: Accept people for who they are, flaws and all. Trying to change someone to fit your ideal image of a partner is not only futile but also unfair. Embrace differences and focus on building a relationship based on acceptance and understanding.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about looking for romance in real-life physical spaces like congregations, bars, markets, and conventions?
Dos:
- Put Yourself Out There: Take risks, say hi, and give someone the look. Sure, the fear of rejection is real, but I’m a big believer in pushing through it. The best things in life are just outside your comfort zone. So, if you’re reading this, consider it the sign you’ve been waiting for to say hi to that girl or guy and start a conversation. The first time might be the hardest, but I promise it gets easier from there.
- Take No for an Answer: If someone says they aren’t interested, walk away with your head held high. Not everyone is meant to be for everyone, but it’s crucial to respect a person’s boundaries and decisions.
- Remember to Enjoy Yourself: Dating should be fun! Focus on making meaningful connections and embracing new experiences. So, have fun and enjoy the process.
Don’ts:
- Don’t Let Rejection Dishearten You: Rejection is redirection. If someone isn’t interested, don’t take it personally. If everyone found everyone attractive the world would be chaos.
- Avoid Overwhelming with Persistence: While showing interest is important, don’t overwhelm someone with persistence if they’ve already shown disinterest. Respect their boundaries and give them space.
What are your thoughts about the challenges and opportunities that come with workplace romances?
I have been there, done that and gotten the t-shirt. Would I do it again? Absolutely I’ve seen some incredible relationships start in the workplace and blossom into long-lasting partnerships, even marriages. Having a deep understanding of each other’s professional lives can be a strong basis for a successful relationship, but it’s not without it’s challenges.
Opportunities:
- Natural Bonding: We spend about 20% of our lives at work, so it’s only natural that we develop bonds with our colleagues over time. Sharing experiences, challenges, and successes can lead to meaningful connections and potentially, romantic relationships.
- Shared Industry: Working in the same industry or field can be a great foundation for relationships. Having common interests, goals, and challenges can make it easier to connect and relate to each other.
Challenges:
- Navigating Dynamics: Workplace romances can get complicated, especially if there’s a hierarchical or power dynamic involved. Managing these dynamics while maintaining professionalism can be tough and may lead to accusations of favoritism.
- Separating Work and Personal Life: It’s hard to keep personal and professional spheres separate when dating a colleague. Workplace tensions or disagreements can spill over into the relationship, and vice versa, impacting both work and personal dynamics.
- Dealing with Breakups: Ending a workplace romance can be particularly tricky. Seeing an ex regularly at work can be uncomfortable and emotionally draining, affecting productivity and morale for everyone involved.
Can you discuss the role of vulnerability and authenticity in forming meaningful connections and finding lasting love?
Vulnerability and authenticity are deeply personal and often intertwined, especially for someone like me who has grappled with these concepts personally, particularly due to my challenging childhood.
Growing up the way I did, to two parents who never accepted me or loved me taught me the importance of being authentic — it became a non-negotiable for me. However, it’s something I’ve learned with age, through years of self-reflection and introspection. I’ve come to understand that I want to be loved for my authentic, messy, less-than-perfect self, or it’s not real love at all.
But being authentic doesn’t always come easy, especially when you’re unsure of how much to share and when. It’s a delicate balance of protecting yourself while also putting yourself out there. I’ve found that vulnerability, on the other hand, often happens naturally over time.
Opening up about my past and my vulnerabilities isn’t something I do on the first date — it’s a gradual process that unfolds as trust and intimacy deepen. And that’s okay. Vulnerability requires trust and a sense of safety, and it’s something that develops organically as a relationship progresses.
So, for me, authenticity is about being true to myself, flaws and all, while vulnerability is about gradually letting someone into the deeper parts of my life. Both are essential for forming meaningful connections and finding lasting love, but they unfold at their own pace, guided by trust, mutual respect, and genuine connection.
Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Things You Need To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love”?
Know Thyself: You need to meet yourself before you can meet your person. I am a massive fan of therapy it drives self awareness around your triggers, needs, and desires and it also helps you learn how to effectively communicate. By knowing yourself and how to communicate, you lay a solid foundation for building healthy relationships.
Embrace Authenticity: In a world of filters and facades, honesty is refreshing. Be genuine about your intentions and values, and don’t shy away from expressing your true self. Authenticity fosters genuine connections and ensures that you attract partners who appreciate you for who you are.
Know When to Hold ’Em, Know When to Fold ’Em: Not all relationships are meant to last. Recognize when a relationship isn’t serving your growth or happiness and have the courage to walk away. Sometimes, letting go is the most empowering choice you can make even though it hurts like hell.
Embrace Rejection as Redirection: Rejection sucks, but it can also steer you toward the right path. Don’t let fear of rejection paralyze you — instead, view it as a signpost guiding you toward where you’re meant to be. Take risks, pursue your passions, and be open to new connections. Every “no” brings you closer to the “yes” that’s meant for you.
Find Joy in the Journey: Love isn’t just about reaching a destination; it’s about relishing the journey. Embrace the highs and lows, the twists and turns, knowing that each experience enriches your life story. Everyone you dates becomes part of the rich tapestry that is your life. Some of the people I have dated have gone on to be my closest friends. They won’t all work out but they all have something to teach you.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?
Esther Perel has been a real inspiration to me. Two of her quotes have particularly resonated with me over the years: “The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives,” and “Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?” If you haven’t read her books or listened to her podcast, it’s definitely a must.
Another figure who has left a lasting impression on me is Simon Sinek. His podcast, “A Little Bit of Optimism,” covers a wide range of subjects with incredible guests. While it may not focus solely on relationships, Sinek’s honesty and insight resonate deeply with me. He speaks candidly and addresses topics with clarity, including the concept of a life of service, and how to navigate difficult conversations which really strikes a chord with me.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I wouldn’t say I am a person of great influence but hopefully my work will have great influence. The movement I’m passionate about starting aligns perfectly with what I’m doing with hati. We’re in the midst of a loneliness epidemic, and I firmly believe that dating apps, as they currently exist, are contributing to a mental health crisis. That’s why I’m so committed to fixing this issue. I’m entirely self-funding the business right now because I’m determined to make a difference.
hati isn’t just about creating another dating app; it’s about revolutionizing the way people connect and fostering genuine relationships. Our goal is to combat loneliness and prioritize mental well-being in the world of online dating. By prioritizing meaningful conversations and implementing innovative features, we’re striving to create a platform where people feel valued, respected, and empowered to find love in a healthy and fulfilling way.
I truly believe that by addressing these issues head-on, we can make a significant impact on the lives of countless individuals. And who knows? Perhaps our efforts with hati will inspire others to join the movement and create positive change in their own ways.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
If you’re interested in keeping up with my work, you can find me on LinkedIn, I would love to hear from anyone who has any thoughts or wants to start a business but doesn’t know where to start. Additionally, you can follow hati on LinkedIn, Instagram, and TikTok for updates, or if you’re single sign-up for the app! I’ve also just started a new podcast, ‘She Starts Here: From Scratch to Success.’ Each week, my friend and a fellow founder Charlie and I share the highs, lows, and funny moments of building our businesses from the ground up. It’s a candid look at the entrepreneurial journey, with helpful lessons for those starting their own businesses such as what is SEIS and EIS!”
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
Zaahirah Adam of hati On How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.